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| The prize |
Dispatches from the War Fronts
Editors' Note: We have been reporting on the Dear Leader's empire-building for weeks now, but there's yet another war he's planning from his Gold Flushing Throne at Merde-y-Lardo, in addition to the invasions of Canada, Mexico, and Panama. This time the Great White Dope has once again turned his attention to the frozen north, where it fell on the strategically vital Gateway to Iceland: Greenland. It actually happens to be a part of another country and its inhabitants want nothing to do with the Tangerine-Faced Fascist. But when has that ever stopped him before?
By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur with
Special Greenland Correspondent Katrine Fønsmark in Greenland City [That's not the capital of Greenland, you idiots – K.F.]
Having already lost the Battle of Bacon and Eggs before it started, the Tangerine-Faced Fascist is casting his insatiable eye at bright shiny objects to distract his base of racist poltroons. His latest: Greenland.
Greenland?
It's a big island in the, um, Arctic. That means it's basically cold and empty and covered with ice. So why would the incoming President-for-Life want it?
We have a few guesses. First, on the 99 cent Mercator projection he looks at from his Throne of Gold (only partly obscured by the classified documents stacked in front of it), it seems enormous:
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When you're packing a tiny toadstool, according to Stormy Daniels (who should know), ginormous is good.
On such a map, Greenland looks bigger than the entire continent of South America. There's only one problem: reality. In fact, Greenland is half the size of South America. On a map that compensates for the fact that the circumference of the Earth near the poles is far smaller than at the Equator (as predicted by the “Round Ball” hypothesis), the reality looks like this:
This Goode projection, in addition to having a cool '60s vibe, shows the true size of Greenland, albeit chopped in half. But it's fair to assume that the niceties of topology are lost on the Tangerine-Faced Fascist, unless the globes being mapped are attached to a porn star.
Another theory is that Greenland is full of minerals that could be exploited to make the TFF and his cronies rich, which as as 49.87% of the voting public has declared is the only point of the U.S. Government.
But perhaps the stupidest and most dishonest explanation is that the U.S. must take over Greenland to protect us from the threat of – well, we're honestly not quite sure:
👀 🌍 WATCH: Trump’s former National Security Advisor now admits climate change is real to justify Trump’s threats to take over Greenland— “a highway from the arctic to the United States… a critical battleground of the future as the climate gets warmer…”
— The Tennessee Holler (@thetnholler.bsky.social) December 29, 2024 at 11:20 AM
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Sure, turning Greenland over to climate change deniers and drill baby drillers will definitely protect us all from the imminent threat of the collapse of Greenland's ice shelf. That makes sense.
In fact, the threat of global warming on the Greenland ice shelf and thus anyone who lives on a coast is all too real. As sanewashed by the New York Times, it's not a threat, it's an opportunity:
Because of warming temperatures, an estimated 11,000 square miles of Greenland’s ice sheets and glaciers have melted over the past three decades, an area roughly equivalent to the size of Massachusetts. That has huge implications for the entire world. If the ice melts completely, Greenland could cause sea levels to rise as much as 23 feet, according to NASA.
Greenland’s retreating ice could open up areas to drill for oil and gas and places to mine critical minerals, a fact that has already attracted international interest and raised concerns about environmental harms.
Such an event would also inundate places like New York City and Miami, but just think of the money to be made by drilling after the catastrophe! And that's why the appropriate response to the imminent climate cataclysm is to seize Greenland.
The national security argument has been propounded by the Tangerine-Faced Fascist's hacks and shills, who insist that Denmark, who has lawful sovereignty over the place, cannot possibly defend it:
[Former TFF national security adviser Robert] O’Brien got the ball rolling on Saturday with a thread published to social media, insisting that Trump is “100% right again,” this time about Greenland. “If our great ally Denmark can’t commit to defending the Island, the US will have to step in, as [the president-elect] said,” he added.
The idea that Greenland is a undefended frozen peach, ripe for the plucking, is bats*** crazy for so many reasons, beyond the lack of any current threat to the frozen wasteland.
Point one: there is a U.S. military presence on Greenland today, which seems more than adequate to the task of defense of the island:
The base is currently part of Steve Carrell's Space Force but we're sure that big golf ball will protect Greenland from all foes, extraterrestrial and otherwise.
Point two: the United States is already committed to defend Greenland from attack by a third party by the NATO Treaty, until such time (probably the next six months) as the disloyal Tiny Toadstool blows up that alliance, handing Putin a victory 80 years in the making.
Inexplicably, our mainstream media is reporting this insane futile land grab as if it were both rational and part of a great national tradition:
Over the past two days, President-elect Donald J. Trump has made clear that he has designs for American territorial expansion, declaring that the United States has both security concerns and commercial interests that can best be addressed by bringing the Panama Canal and Greenland under American control or outright ownership....
But the president-elect’s statements — and the not-so-subtle threats behind them — were another reminder that his version of “America First” is not an isolationist creed.
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| Colonialism: what could go wrong? |
His aggressive interpretation of the phrase evokes the expansionism, or colonialism, of President Theodore Roosevelt, who cemented control of the Philippines after the Spanish-American War. And it reflects the instincts of a real estate developer who suddenly has the power of the world’s largest military to back up his negotiating strategy.
Mr. Trump has often suggested that he does not always see the sovereignty of other nations’ borders as sacrosanct. When Russia invaded Ukraine, his first response was not a condemnation of the blatant land grab, but rather the observation that President Vladimir V. Putin’s move was an act of “genius.”
We will concede that taking land that belonged to others is a great American tradition. But we can think of other traditions that prevailed in 1803 and we fought a Civil War that claimed 400,000 lives to make sure they wouldn't come back. Except in Alabama.
We knew Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt was a friend of ours. The Tangerine-Faced Traitor is no Teddy Roosevelt and it's not an act of journalism to compare the two.
What might constitute reporting would be to delve into what's behind the TFT's expansionism. To be fair, the Times piece hinted at a couple, like money and in the case of Panama, revenge for their government's cracking down on his crooked empire there.
But there are many other explanations the Times won't touch. The TFT's dementia could be so far advanced that he sees the entire world as a bucket of fried chicken, whose pieces he can devour at leisure.
A more sanguine view of his mental status would be that he knows he can't deliver on his oft-repeated promise to lower the prices of eggs and bacon and apples, which he said would be very easy before the election. Now he's got to come up with lots of flashy trinkets to distract his voters from his failure to do anything to actually improve their lives. But, hey, look over there, Greenland!
With the end of constitutional government only two weeks away, the most disturbing question is what else he will launch to entertain his angry racist base.
And when he unleashes the U.S. military under the Insurrection Act to round up undocumented (or other) immigrants and send them to desolate camps in the desert, look for our thoughtful mainstream media to tell us he is acting in the great tradition of President Franklin Roosevelt, who did the same thing to Japanese-Americans, many of whom were citizens, back in 1942.
