Dispatches from the War Fronts
VICTORY!
The jackal of Caracas
behind bars!
GLORIOUS FUTURE FOR VENEZUELAN OIL!
VENEZUELANS TO BE RETURNED TO ASYLUMS!
Department of Justice says Maduro trial will delay release of Epstein files to 2029
By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur with
Florida Correspondent Jenny Herk in Palm Beach
America rejoiced Saturday morning at the thrilling news of our magnificent victory over the tyrant of Venezuela, Nicholas Maduro, who was kidnapped in chains and flown to an undisclosed U.S. location to stand trial for crimes yet to be created.
The brilliant military success of the Mad King followed closely on his humiliating defeats at the Battles of Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, and Portland, Oregon, which ended this week with the unconditional withdrawal of defeated U.S. troops from those crime-ridden hellholes.
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| Iraq 2003: Another mission accomplished! |
But now the nation has forgotten all about those military humiliations, not to mention the continued illegal refusal to release the Epstein files and the crushing financial burden on 22,000,000 Americans who buy their own health insurance. Now who cares?
Instead, America basked in the glow of another tremendous U.S. military victory, following equally successful attacks on Iran, Yemen, and Nigeria and the murders of scores of sailors unknown on the high seas.
Americans can take pride in the decision to force regime change by kidnapping a foreign tyrant. They know, based on their extensive study of world history, that it's always worked out great before.
Considers these great U.S. victories that followed dispatching a foreign leader, tyrannous or otherwise:
Iran
In 1953, the CIA and British intelligence, angry about the nationalization of Iranian oil concessions, fomented a copy aginst the democratically elected President of Iran, Mohammed Mossadegh. The successful coup installed the Shah of Iran as the absolute dictator of Iran for the following 26 years.
The Iranians overthrew the Shah in 1979. Since then, Iran has been a model of democracy and stability in the Middle East and hasn't bothered anyone.
Guatemala
Just a year later, the same CIA, still basking in the glow of its successful Iranian coup the previous year, overthrew the democratically elected leader of Guatemala, Jacobo Arbenz, at the request of the United Fruit Company, because, why not?
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| They weren't killed in the Guatemalan genocide! |
Since that 1954 success, Guatemala has enjoyed a 70 year run as an idyllic tropical paradise, with only a few minor blemishes that seem hardly worth mentioning.
In the 1980's with the enthusiastic support of St. Ronald of Bitburg, Guatemalan dictator José Rios Montt conducted what he claimed was a war against Marxist insurgents.
In fact it was genocide:
The Mayan people were targeted during the conflict because of their ethnicity. It wasn’t because of their political affiliations or involvement in the guerrilla. Many of the survivors testified that, to this day, they don’t know why the army came to kill them. Army documents presented in trial outlined how the entire population was defined as the “internal enemy.” Being Mayan in the Ixil region of Guatemala during the dictatorship of Rios Montt was, quite simply, a death sentence.
One of the most damning arguments that supported the charge of genocide is that military forces targeted indigenous children. Soldiers cut unborn infants from their mothers’ wombs, threw babies into the air to spear them with bayonets, and swung children by their ankles, smashing their heads against trees until they were dead. Children were shot. Children were stabbed. Children were burned alive.
Why were the children killed? Because they were Mayan Ixil.
But other than that, regime change in Guatemala worked out great!
Vietnam
Lest you think that dispatching a country's leader at the whim of the CIA is an honor reserved for Republicans, let's remember that in 1963, Jack Kennedy, in between rogering Marlene Dietrich and Marilyn Monroe, faced the prospect that America's invented nation of South Vietnam would inconveniently collapse before the 1964 elections. His team of best and brightest had the brilliant idea to get rid of unpopular dictator Ngo Dinh Diem.
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| After Diem, the Vietnam War went great! |
That would solve all their Viet Cong problems, at least until his second term. So through the CIA the Kennedy Administration gave the green light to a bunch of crooked generals to take care of all the unfinished family business.
And it was a thoughtful and carefully considered decision as this memcon of an October, 1963 meeting with President Kennedy makes clear:
General Taylor cautioned against looking at the Vietnam situation as if it were a football game. He said a few key people are crucial to the success of a coup and are more important than total numbers.
The President asked that we try to find out who these key people are.
Nothing got by Jack Kennedy, especially if it was wearing a tight skirt!
It must have worked out great, because today Vietnam is a united, prosperous nation that seeks to ally itself with the United States. [Claude, Is this right? – Ed.]
Iraq
One of the stated, i.e., false, premises for the Bush Administration's decision to launch an unprovoked attack on Iraq was the supposed grave danger posed by Saddam Hussein and his apocryphal weapons of mass destruction and alliance with al-Qaeda.
So when Saddam was finally apprehended by U.S. forces in December, 2003, it represented total victory in Iraq and everything was hunky-dory after that, right?
Unrepentant Iraq warmonger Tom Friedman could barely restrain his enthusiasm:
The capture of Saddam merits celebration in and of itself, not only because this terrible man will be brought to justice, but also because it really does improve the chances for a decent outcome in Iraq.
Great. Really.
For those of you who have memory-hold the Iraq catastrophe, there was no decent outcome in Iraq. The war dragged on for nine more bloody years, and resulted in a weak, corrupt Iranian client state.
But there was a decent result for Hot Air Force stalwarts like Friedman: just this week, he was the star attraction on a very special edition of Washington Week in which he was interviewed as a foreign-policy savant by fellow unrepentant Iraq warmonger Jeffrey “Bombs Away” Goldberg.
Libya
Having learned nothing from the bootless capture (and subsequent lynching) of Saddam Hussein, in 2011 the Democrats back in power decided to rescue Libya from its loathsome strongman Muammar Qaddafi, urged on by then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
Clinton exulted in the news with her characteristic ability to say the most maladroit f***in' thing imaginable:
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton shared a laugh with a television news reporter moments after hearing deposed Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi had been killed.
"We came, we saw, he died," she joked when told of news reports of Qaddafi's death by an aide in between formal interviews.
Good one, Hillary!
In fact she had been pushing his ouster for months, according to a New York Times investigation. Back then you could rely on the Times for accurate headlines:
That about sums it up.
More specifically,
Her conviction would be critical in persuading Mr. Obama to join allies in bombing Colonel Qaddafi’s forces. In fact, Mr. Obama’s defense secretary, Robert M. Gates, would later say that in a “51-49” decision, it was Mrs. Clinton’s support that put the ambivalent president over the line.
The Times post-mortem was published in 2018. In the seven years since, the situation in Libya has become only more dire, with an endless Hobbesian nightmare of civil war and ineffective government, spiced by Libya's reputation for mistreating if not torturing desperate African refugees seeking to reach safety in Europe.
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You would think after these dismal examples of U.S. support for decapitating the leadership of a foreign sovereign state, the reaction to the current pointless outrage in Venezuela would be massive, immediate, and bipartisan.
Not so much.
It turns out, to steal Stephen Colbert's observation that history, like facts themselves, has a liberal bias. Which is why when the current stooges in charge of our Government wanted to brief themselves in real time while their latest debacle is unfolding, they turned to that unimpeachable source, X.
