GOP trash talk terrifies Kremlin

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By Natasha Badenova
Moscow Bureau Chief

MOSCOW, Russian Federation – Sources close to the Kremlin report that the inner circle around Russian President for Life Vladimir Putin is growing increasingly apprehensive about the massive buildup of Cold War trash talk in the rhetorical arsenals of GOP presidential candidates.

"Putin is worried about having to negotiate with a President who managed to stiff his casino creditors four times and still persuades white people that he is a brilliant, ruthless businessman," one Kremlin insider told the Spy.  "What if President Trump tries to borrow billions from us?  How would we ever get it back?"

These insiders also told the Spy that the bald Putin is reportedly envious of Donald Trump's full head of lustrous, lifelike hair.  "Best hair wins.  That's how the world works," Putin is reported to have told his inner circle.

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Other GOP candidates are having a similar in terrorem effect on the normally unflappable Russian supremo.  He is known to be especially concerned by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, only partly due to Christie's endorsement by a New Hampshire newspaper closely read in the Russian capital.  "Putin's plan to build a bridge to connect Crimea to the Russian mainland might be in jeopardy," warned one source close to the Russian leader.

"What if Christie does to Putin what he did to the mayor of Fort Lee?  Christie could airdrop orange cones and create havoc for weeks or longer.  We would be defenseless."

But some Russian Government sources say that the GOP candidate most feared in the Kremlin is Texas Sen. Ted Cruz.  "I mean, the guy is such an a****** that Putin couldn't stand to be in the same room with him.  One minute into their first summit, it would be like take whatever you want but get me the f*** out of here," said a close Putin ally.

Cruz's election would be especially galling to Putin, who has carefully cultivated his image as the most insufferable head of state in the world.  "But come on, President Cruz?  No contest."

Although most reliable sources firmly believe that Putin is terrified about the GOP field, a few dissidents tell a different story.  According to Prime Minister Dmitri Medvedev, every time Putin sees a GOP contender on television, he "starts laughing his ass off."