[Editor's’ Note: Longtime devotees of the Spy will recall that its seasoned political reporter, David Bloviator, from time to time graciously consents to share his wisdom with you, the humble reader. Directly from his listening post — the bar at America’s Best Value Inn in Hooksett, NH — Mr. Bloviator agreed to slake our readers’ thirst for information.]
TMS: Based upon your decades of experience tell us where the Presidential nominating races stand.
DB: Based upon the Spy’s expense account, I’m telling you to get me another Chivas rocks.
TMS: Let’s start with the Republicans. What do you make of the Trump phenomenon?
DB: He will fade. Republican primary voters will want a serious candidate.
TMS: What makes the other candidates more serious? They all want to borrow trillions to cut taxes for the rich, make women bear their rapists’ children, and repeal universal health care and they all deny global warming.
DB: The voters will demand expertise in national security.
TMS: Which Republican candidate has any national security expertise? What ideas do they have other than bombs away and giving Putin a wedgie?
DB: They are playing on voters’ concerns on terror after San Bernardino and Paris.
 | |
| The Spy's famed pundit David Bloviator handicaps the Presidential race for the great unwashed |
TMS: How about voters’ concerns about 30,000 gun deaths a year?
DB: Oh no they’re not concerned about that.
TMS: The voters or the Republicans? Let’s go back to Trump. What is his appeal?
DB: He speaks to the concerns of average Americans.
TMS: Are average Americans concerned about whether billionaires can pass on their loot to their children tax-free?
DB: They worry that they are losing their country.
TMS: The country where black people couldn’t vote and we could turn our back on refugees because of their religion?
DB: Yes, that’s the one. Now get me another Chivas rocks so I can slime Hillary without dying of thirst.
TMS: How would you describe Hillary Clinton’s position?
DB: Unassailable. Or commanding. You can choose either one. But she has problems.
TMS: What problems?
DB: Do people love Hillary? Do they trust her after the e-mail scandal?
TMS: There was no scandal.
DB: So you say. But the accusations go to her credibility.
TMS: Given that her use of a personal e-mail address for unclassified communication was neither a crime nor a civil violation, how is it relevant?
DB: It goes to the perception of her credibility. You hear it everywhere.
TMS: Like where?
DB: In influential circles.
TMS: Which influential circles? Republican columnists? Maureen Dowd, who’s still pissed off about her husband?
DB: Bill’s past misdeeds are fair game.
TMS: What’s fair about it? He’s not running; she’s is.
DB: It raises questions about her.
TMS: What questions? He lied to her.
DB: It feeds into the concerns people have about the Clintons.
TMS: Which concerns? The same smears from 20 years ago?
DB: We still don’t know who killed Vince Foster. And what about the White House drapes?
TMS: Maybe we’d better talk about Bernie Sanders. He’s leading in New Hampshire and close in Iowa.
DB: His chances can be described in two words.
TMS: Which are?
DB: Slim and none. His views are too extreme.
TMS: Which views? The need to regulate Wall Street and reduce inequality?
DB: The man is a card carrying socialist. He says so. America will never elect a far-left candidate.
TMS: But they will elect a far-right Republican?
DB: What choice do they have? Speaking of choice, make this one a double.
TMS: Thank you Mr. Bloviator.
No comments:
Post a Comment