GOP reassures black voters on blocking Scalia replacement

By Albert Fall
Spy Washington Bureau

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congressional Republicans are today reacting with fury and outrage to charges by black Americans that their stated intention to block any Supreme Court nominee put forward by President Barack Obama is based on racism.

“There is absolutely no reason for anyone to believe that we would block Obama's nominees as a sign of our disrespect for a black President,” huffed an obviously outraged Senate Majority Leader Yertle D. Turtle [Surely, Mitch McConnell? – Ed.]

“I want to reassure all Americans that we would block the nominee of any Democratic President in his or her last year in office, whether or not that President was a Kenyan-born Muslim,” he said.

Taking time away from an energetic morning of scaring babies on the campaign trail in South Carolina, Sen. Ted Cruz (R – Oily) agreed with the Senate Majority Leader. “The important thing is to make sure that the Supreme Court serves as a rubber stamp for the Republican agenda of empowering the rich and powerful.  That President Obama is an illegitimate usurper is besides the point.”

The television arm of the Republican Party, Schlox News, worked themselves up to a Force 8 gale of faux outrage over the allegations.  “How dare these people attack patriotic Americans with racist charges,” thundered second-string ex-bombshell Laura Ingraham, whose not-at-all racist book on the Obamas portrayed Michele Obama as a barbecue-eating slob.

Ingraham maintained that the GOP demand that Obama leave the Supreme Court seat open for the next white President to fill was simply an instance of the well-known “Thurmond Rule,” which holds that any white Southern Senator can impregnate a black teen-aged maid of his choosing.  [Surely, that the Senate need not confirm judges in the eighth year of a Presidential term? – Ed.]

“The next thing you know, these racial agitators will be claiming that the lead poisoning of the children of Flint was somehow a racist plot, rather than simply Republican contempt for and indifference to the plight of the poor,” she said.

She said it was time for “those people” to stop whining: “I mean, it's not like we're going to send the Cleveland Police out to shoot whomever Obama nominates.”