In re Petition of Ana Navarro

Gonzo, J., presiding.  Now comes Petitioner Ana Navarro seeking readmission to the human race on the grounds that, although she is a longtime Republican political hack, she had the courage to tear Donald Trump a new one.

Navarro was expelled due to her long career as a GOP hatchet gal.   According to the Miami Herald,

She was among the first Florida Republicans to hammer then-Gov. Charlie Crist for backing President Barack Obama’s $700 billion stimulus plan. She revoked her endorsement of Bill McCollum in the 2010 gubernatorial campaign for adopting a hard line on immigration. She urged Gov. Rick Scott to prolong early-voting hours in 2012. She pounded Mitt Romney on his lackluster Hispanic outreach.

Navarro, who moved to Miami from Nicaragua when she was 8, has been a longtime Jeb Bush loyalist and was one of Marco Rubio’s early backers for the U.S. Senate. 

Petitioner: totes adorbs . . .

So let's see: she opposed President Obama's efforts to pull this country out of economic disaster, she worked! for Jeb! Bush!, and she helped slake Marco's thirst for power.

She advanced her case for readmission through a Daily Show interview during which Trevor Noah yukked it up with her.  Yes, it's still on the air.  When he ventured to ask how and why she embraced the Republican Party, she let it slip that she came from a family of Nicaraguan freedom fighters a/k/a contras.

According to the Tampa Bay Times: “ In the 1980s, the first-year law student at University of Miami campaigned for aid to the Contras in her native Nicaragua. The daughter of a well-off family in the agriculture business — her father was an early opponent of Anastasio Somoza who went on to fight against leftist revolutionaries — she moved to Miami at age 8 to escape the violence.”

Aid to the contras?  You mean these contras?

The contra commanders . . .  are men addicted to violence. Their brutality is indiscriminate - their victims include Government officials (health workers, agricultural specialists, teachers, all carefully selected targets for torture, rape and murder), rank-and-file soldiers in the Sandinista armed forces, few of them lucky enough to remain alive when taken prisoner, and local campesinos suspected of sympathizing with the Sandinistas. The rebel groups . . . remain for all intents and purposes semi-independent, each one headed by a minor caudillo bent on exacting total loyalty from his disciples (including many women) and prone to bouts of murderous fury at the slightest sign of insubordination. Mr. Dickey's portraits of these men, “who loved to kill,'' many of them bearing grim noms de guerre (“Suicida,'' “Cancer,'' “El Muerto''), reveal a world where political commitment is indistinguishable from the need to flaunt one's machismo, and where personal jealousies among the various commanders often erupt into bloody vendettas. Many Nicaraguans, including former Sandinistas, have joined the contras - some under coercion, . . . .those who want to leave find it nearly impossible: the penalties for attempted desertion are savage. Mr. Dickey's description of some of these incidents (including a particularly sickening description of El Muerto cutting the throat of a 13-year-old ''deserter'') is often based on the testimony of those few who have managed to escape, but it is altogether in keeping with the reports of various human rights organizations on the subject. (See, for instance, the Americas Watch Report, “Human Rights in Nicaragua,'' New York, July 1985.)

Are the leaders of the contras . . . aware of these atrocities? Mr. Dickey's book leaves no doubt about it. The manual “Psychological Operations in Guerrilla Warfare,'' prepared at the behest of the Central Intelligence Agency for use by the contras - to which Mr. Dickey devotes several pages - was produced, in Mr. Dickey's words, “to keep 'implicit and explicit terror' under control.'' Killings are discussed in the sections of the manual dealing with advice about the way the rebels can best “neutralize carefully selected and planned targets,'' which clearly refers to assassinations or executions of civilians, . . . (The New York Times, 1/26/86, reviewing With the Contras by Christopher Dickey)

. . . her contra war, not so much

That's quite a family history.  Going further back in history beyond last Monday, one can learn that these cutthroats were financed by the Administration of St. Ronald Reagan.  When the Congress could no longer stomach the bloodshed, it cut the money off, whereupon the Reagan Administration sold missiles to our staunch ally Iran and diverted most of the proceeds to support the contras.  (Ergo, “Iran-contra”).

So her petition for readmission must surmount a high hurdle, made up of the bodies of Nicaraguans killed and tortured by her beloved contras.  That might even be worse than supporting! Jeb!

After weighing the equities, we find that petitioner Ana Navarro should be readmitted to the human race on the grounds that any woman who says “pussy” to Trump supporters on national television has far bigger balls than the tangerine-faced groper.

It is so ordered.