By Nellie Bly
Spy Washington Bureau
The Spy has learned exclusively that President Donald J. Trump will issue another pathbreaking Executive Order regarding climate change as part of his 100 days to chaos initiative, launched last week with the destruction of U.S. immigration and trade policies.
According to the Spy's source, the new climate change Executive Order was drafted by a small group headed by White House Counselor Jules Streicher [Surely, Stephen Bannon? – Ed.] and including Bannon's trusted associates Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. As was the case with previous orders, no effort was made to coordinate its drafting with the agencies and departments who will have to implement it and actually know something about the subject.
Bannon is said to be proud of his masterwork, which attempts to address the problem of climate change without imposing burdens on companies, consumers, or taxpayers. Attached below we have printed the final version of the EO, so our readers can judge for themselves how well they have succeeded.
TRUMPWHITEHOUSE
AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE™
I Donald J. Trump, being the duly elected by a landslide (including the popular vote which I won because I am so popular) President of the United States do hereby state as follows:
1. WHEREAS the problem of climate change is real folks, it really is and it's really important to me as the President whose Inauguration was attended by more people than anyone's else's ever; and
2. WHEREAS American business has been turned into a broken-down dumpster fire thanks to these incredible regulations that absolutely destroy business like the one that says I have to pay the Bohunks I import at Mar-a-Lago a minimum wage, which is just outrageous; and
3. WHEREAS my ratings as President are just incredible, as Sean Hannity will tell me whenever I ask;
NOW THEREFORE I HEREBY ORDER, PROCLAIM, AND DEMAND AS FOLLOWS:
4. One six-piece extra crispy basket, all white meat. None of that original recipe shit.
5. RISING OCEANS.
a. To combat the effect of rising ocean levels on fabulous fantastic oceanfront properties like Mar-a-Lago, I hereby order all oceans not to rise so as to lessen in any way the value of my properties
b. In the event the oceans do not obey my order not to rise I will have no choice but to put to work those caught sneaking across our incredibly weak, flaccid southern border digging a canal to drain all that water into Mexico. And I mean it folks.
c. Every six months the Department of Oceans and General Wetness will provide a report as to whether the oceans are fully complying with this order. If not Nikki Haley is going to kick ass and take names, I can assure you.
6. INCREASING TEMPERATURE. I actually like it a little warmer so I won't order any cooling of the world's temperature, although it does get a little humid at Mar-a-Lago in the summer but don't worry we're going to install the best coal-powered outdoor air conditioners you've ever seen anywhere.
7. CARBON DIOXIDE EMISSIONS.
2. WHEREAS American business has been turned into a broken-down dumpster fire thanks to these incredible regulations that absolutely destroy business like the one that says I have to pay the Bohunks I import at Mar-a-Lago a minimum wage, which is just outrageous; and
3. WHEREAS my ratings as President are just incredible, as Sean Hannity will tell me whenever I ask;
NOW THEREFORE I HEREBY ORDER, PROCLAIM, AND DEMAND AS FOLLOWS:
4. One six-piece extra crispy basket, all white meat. None of that original recipe shit.
5. RISING OCEANS.
a. To combat the effect of rising ocean levels on fabulous fantastic oceanfront properties like Mar-a-Lago, I hereby order all oceans not to rise so as to lessen in any way the value of my properties
b. In the event the oceans do not obey my order not to rise I will have no choice but to put to work those caught sneaking across our incredibly weak, flaccid southern border digging a canal to drain all that water into Mexico. And I mean it folks.
c. Every six months the Department of Oceans and General Wetness will provide a report as to whether the oceans are fully complying with this order. If not Nikki Haley is going to kick ass and take names, I can assure you.
6. INCREASING TEMPERATURE. I actually like it a little warmer so I won't order any cooling of the world's temperature, although it does get a little humid at Mar-a-Lago in the summer but don't worry we're going to install the best coal-powered outdoor air conditioners you've ever seen anywhere.
7. CARBON DIOXIDE EMISSIONS.
 |
| The Trump Administration did careful research on its latest environmental initiative |
(b) The Department of Air will provide a report detailing how we can reduce carbon dioxide emissions by preventing illegal aliens from exhaling until we dunk their asses back in the Rio Grande.
8. Next year I will hold a fantastic conference at the TrumpWhiteHouse™ to discuss the progress we have made in fighting climate change. All the A-list celebrities who love this climate shit will be there including Angie Dickinson, Don Rickles, and some of those skanks that Howard used to dig up for me.
9. This order does not contradict any other provision of applicable law yada yada yada except the part about not letting guys sneak into women's dressing rooms which is so worth it you wouldn't believe.
10. Who do I have to deport around here to get a fucking piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Sean?
Signed, the best President of the United States ever, ever
DONALD J. TRUMP
Sources close to Bannon's West Wing wet bar have said that although the Trump Administration didn't bother to consult their allies in Congress before issuing the order, they expect Congressional Republicans to support the initiatives in the order “because they are biggest bunch of pussies you never wanted to grab.”
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