A New Low Down Under

By Miles Franklin
Antipodes Correspondent of The Spy

You might think that a nation founded by convicts might appreciate a few new hose lines to replenish the old gene pool but, according to the usually authoritative New York Times, not so much:

On Thursday, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull proposed tough new requirements for would-be citizens, including stricter standards for English-language proficiency, an “Australian values” test and a four-year wait.

Apparently the local crocodile-skinners are worried about letting too many people who, notwithstanding their talents and contributions to building this dusty outpost at the end of the world, don't look exactly like the criminals of England who were transported to that distant shore as punishment by Her Majesty's Government:

“Citizenship and immigration policy is being used specifically for political ends,” said Henry Sherrell, a research officer in the Development Policy Center at Australian National University.

Ben Saul, the Challis chair of international law at Sydney Law School, agreed, saying there was no apparent need for the changes. “There is little evidence that the current Australian citizenship processes are being abused or admit the ‘wrong’ kind of citizens,” he said.

Included in the package is a rule that would permanently bar from citizenship any immigrant who failed the citizenship exam three times.  As part of the independence and industry I have shown throughout my brilliant career, I have taken the liberty of, in the great tradition of our First Settlers, purloining a copy of the test so that applicants can swot up.  Good luck to all!

---

Government of Australia

Citizenship Examination for  Anyone Who Looks Like an Abo  

1.  Which of the following is the greatest contribution that Australia has made to world culture?
 
a.  Mel Gibson
b.  Rupert Murdoch  
c.  Nicole Kidman

d.  Olivia Newton-John

2.  When pulled over by the old bill for driving under the influence of about 20 lagers and a speedball, what does a good Australian citizen do?
 

a.  Whip out his croc-skinning knife
b.  Offer the copper the backwash from your 21st lager

c.   Go on a drunken rant about how important you are and refer to any female officer as "Sugar Tits      

3.   Why was the swagman so jolly?

a.  He finally got to marry one of Mick Jagger's castoffs
b.  He had finished his cinematic masterpiece blaming the Jews for crucifying Jesus
c.  Unlike everyone else in his gang, he didn't die at Gallipoli  
d.  He had dumped his first wife to marry Linda Koslowski

4.  Who were the first white settlers of Australia? (choose all that apply)

a.  Convicts
b.  Hookers
c.  Beggars
d.  Drunkards
e.  Rupert Murdoch

5.  After Tasmania was settled by white criminals how many native-born Aborigines remained?

a.  A thousand
b.  100
c.   1
d.   0
e.   Who gives a toss?

6.     Australia is a states party to the United Nations Convention on Refugees.  To carry out its responsibilities, Australia must refrain from which of the following acts, if any?

a.    Intercepting refugees and detaining them in a third country
b.    Denying any refugee hope of entry to Australia despite a well-founded fear of persecution
c.    Dragging out asylum hearings for years while keeping asylum applicants locked up in a tropical hellhole
d.    Sucking up to Donald Trump

7.   What were Australia's strategic goals at Gallipoli?

a.   Fucked if we know
b.   Not a clue mate
c.   Launch Mel Gibson's movie career
d.   Do whatever Winston Churchill told them to do


8.  Essay question:  What the fuck was going on in Baz Luhrman's Australia?   

9.  Practical exam.  Make a Vegemite sandwich and eat it without gagging once.     

---