A Spy exclusive: Top-secret guidance re shithole inquiries

Editors' Note:  Apparently some whiny foreign countries are protesting being called “shitholes” by the President of the United States. When did we start being so PC we couldn't call shitholes “shitholes?”  That's the question, at least if you're bilious white man Tucker Carlson.  Some real journalists have asked what any remaining U.S. diplomats are supposed to say if called in by the governments of such “shitholes.”  Only the Spy has obtained from its sources within the Burning Clown Car [Surely, West Wing? – Ed.] the carefully crafted diplomatic talking points approved by POTUS himself. 

FROM: SECSTATE WASH DC TO: ALLPOSTS SUBJECT: GUIDANCE RE RESPONSE TO SHITHOLES CLASS: TS NOFORN/NOSTEVE/NOFLOTUS/OKFOX/  DRAFTEDBY: HHICKS EOP/COMM FOLLOWING TALKING POINTS HAVE BEEN APPROVED BY ALL USGOV AGENCIES INCLUDING POTUS AND JARED FOR USE RE ALL MTGS WITH FOREIGN GOVOFFS RE POTUS RECENT COMMENTS RE SHITHOLES. 1.  POTUS DENIES USING WORD SHITHOLE.  OR SHITHOUSE.  OR SHIT CITY.  OR SHIT STORM.  REPORTS TO CONTRARY ARE FAKE NEWS AND/OR TREASON AND/OR HILLARY'S FAULT 2.  USG PLACES GREAT WEIGHT ON MAINTAINING GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH [INSERT NAME OF SHITHOLE COUNTRY] 3.  POTUS SAYS SOME OF THE BEST WAITERS BUSBOYS AND GROUNDSKEEPERS  AT MAR-A-LAGO COME FROM [INSERT NAME OF SHITHOLE COUNTRY] 4.  POTUS EXTENDS LARGE STRONG MASCULINE HAND OF FRIENDSHIP TO [INSERT NAME OF SHITHOLE COUNTRY] 5.  POTUS INVITES HEAD OF GOV TO GOLF WITH HIM AT WORLD CLASS TRUMP GOLF COURSE OF POTUS'S CHOOSING AS GESTURE OF GOOD WILL BUT REGRETS UNABLE TO WAIVE GREENS FEES AND CART RENTAL. 6.  IN EXTENDING GOLF INVITATIONS EMBOFFS SHOULD EMPHASIZE POTUS IS A GREAT GOLFER AMONG THE BEST.  RUMORS THAT POTUS DOES NOT COUNT MULLIGANS OR KICKS BALL ONTO FAIRWAY FAKE NEWS 7.  IF HEAD OF STATE IS MALE OFFER ASSISTANCE OF POTUS IN OBTAINING TOP CLASS PORN STARS WITH BIG BEAUTIFUL JUGS TO JOIN FOURSOME BUT DENY POTUS HAS EVER PAID BLACKMAIL TO SUCH PORN STARS 8.  FOR UK ONLY: POTUS REGRETS UNABLE TO ATTEND WEDDING OF PRINCE TO BLACK GIRL BECAUSE HE IS VERY BUSY THAT WEEKEND IN IMPORTANT NEGOTIATIONS AT GOLF CLUB WITH FOREIGN HEAD OF STATE AND HOT PORN STARS WHO ARE NOT FLAT CHESTED LIKE YOUR BLACK GIRL AND TELLS PRINCE NOT TO BEG LIKE LITTLE BITCH 9.  FOR REAL COUNTRIES IN EUROPE LIKE NORMAY, OMAY, OR ARRYLAY: OF COURSE POTUS WASN'T REFERRING TO YOU 10.  FOR RUSSIAN FEDERATION:  EYES ONLY TO V PUTIN: COMPARED TO STORMY DANIELS THOSE BROADS YOU SENT TO MY ROOM LOOKED LIKE MEN - DON 11.  SECDEF AND SECSTATE DID NOT DRAFT TALKING POINTS 1-10 AND WILL DENY KNOWLEDGE THEY EXIST 12.  REMIND ALL FOREIGN OFFICIALS THAT EXXON GASOLINE CONTAINS INGREDIENTS THAT HELP KEEP YOUR ENGINE RUNNING LONGER. TILLERSON (IF CABLE SENT BEFORE 0000Z 01152018)