This just in: Queen Elizabeth to abdicate

By Madeline Bassett
UK Correspondent

Queen Elizabeth shocked her subjects today by announcing that she would step down as their Queen, effective August 1.  According to the Queen's lengthy instrument of abdication, she told the United Kingdom that she “just can't f***ing take it anymore.”

The last straw, according to Her Majesty, was being forced by her Government to stand in the hot sun and be slagged off by U.S. President Donald J. Trump, whom the Queen described as a “f***ing clueless idiot.”

Media reports of U Bum's disastrous visit explained that he committed several serious breaches in his short visit to Windsor Castle, including showing up 15 minutes late whilst the Queen, aged 92, stood in the hot sun.

“He's what my cousin Louie used to call a real bulvon,” The Queen said.

Her statement recounted her long and dutiful service to her country, beginning with Britain standing alone against Nazi barbarism in 1940.  “I can assure you,” the Queen said, “that my father, mother, sister, and I did not dodge Schickelgruber's bombs during the Second World War so that I would be forced to debase myself and my realm by entertaining a wicked golem like Donald Trump.”

“I put up with losing the empire.  I put up with reducing the monarchy to a reality TV show.  I even put up with my idiot heir.  But sucking up to a Tangerine-Faced Grifter?  I am now so f****ing done.” 

The Queen has told her heartbroken subjects:
“If anyone wants to reach me down here after I
leave Britain, just dial 1-800-SOD-OFF”

“Can you imagine what Winston would have said if he saw how I was being treated by that grotesque grifter?  If he had been at Blenheim he would have cracked a magnum of Pol Roger '37 over that hideous combover,” Her Britannic Majesty said.

“I have put up with untold scores of grotesque Americans over the decades,” her statement continued.  “I had to have dinner with Richard Nixon.  Let me tell you, that guy was like Cary Grant compared to Donald F***ing Trump.  And we had to detail two equerries to help George W. Bush find his way to the loo.  But at least when you had a conversation with him you didn't feel like you were about to blow your bangers-and-mash.”

Her bill of particulars against the Grifter-in-Chief was long and terrible, but a few samples will suffice:

- “Not only did he keep me waiting 15 minutes; he couldn't even walk 100 yards in review of the honor guard without shoving me out of the way like I was the Prime Minister of f***ing Montenegro.”

- “I understand that he can't bow because it would cause his huge gut to spill out of his trousers, but then he shook my hand.  I suppose I'm lucky he didn't try to grab my p****.”

- “ He asked me why I didn't put that tar-baby Mayor of London in the Tower.  I had to explain to him I don't really control who gets sent there anymore.”

- “At the end he invited me to come play golf at his pisspoor course up in Scotland somewhere and said he would comp me the greens fees, but that I'd have to pay the cart rental because it's Eric's franchise.”

The abdication statement also referred to her post-reign plans: “I'm pleased to announce that I've been given a 10-million-quid advance for my memoir. I guarantee you – it's worth every penny.  Wait until I tell you about Bill Clinton and the scullery maid at Balmoral.”

Her Majesty said she would use the advance to buy herself an estate in the British Virgin Islands where she said she planned to lie in the sun and drink gin.  She concluded the instrument of abdication with the traditional valedictory of departing British monarchs:  “Bye, bitches!”