What's in Pecker's safe: A Spy exclusive!

By Ida Tarbell
Spy Investigative Unit

With passengers lining up to board the Immunity Express to Probation, the Grifter-in-Chief and his dwindling band of co-conspirators, apologists, and hangers-on are sounding ever more desperate and worried.  The latest blow to their cover-up is the announcement that David Pecker, President and Chief Bagman for the National Enquirer and related fish wrap, has grabbed a parlor car seat on the train and is ready to tell all.

Even more exciting, word has leaked out that Pecker has a safe containing all the dirty little secrets that he saw fit not to publish, on purely journalistic grounds, of course.

Definitely dead, according to David Pecker

But only the Spy has obtained the contents of that safe and, in a worldwide exclusive, will share them with you.  Among the bombshells contained therein are irrefutable evidence in support of the following earthshaking revelations:

• Documentary evidence including coroner's reports and death certificates proving that Elvis Presley is really, really dead.

• A confidential report from the Air Force and a prominent panel of astrophysicists concluding that UFO's have never visited the Earth, aliens have never landed in New Mexico or anyone else and subjected Earthlings to anal probes, and any reports to the contrary are “utter bollocks.”

• Photographs and credit card receipts proving that Jennifer Aniston is neither sleeping with 50 different movie stars nor crying herself to sleep every night.

• Medical reports stating that Hillary Clinton is in fine health, especially compared to the 299-pound stroke-in-waiting in the White House.

• More medical reports, this time confirming that no Kardashian is pregnant with the love child of any rapper or basketball player other than the ones she is married to.

But wait there's more!

• Peer-reviewed scientific studies confirming you can't burn off 25 pounds a day with steroid-laced smoothies.

• Report from Bill O'Reilly's rehab center containing his diagnosis: broken-down old alkie.

• Letter from Alan Dershowitz to O.J. Simpson entitled: “How to Shrink Leather Gloves”

• Collection letters on behalf of David Pecker's cosmetic dentists

• Rejection notice closing Rudy Giuliani's Tinder account on the grounds that he is “too creepy.”

• A huge sheaf of documents proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Michelle Obama is a smart, committed, compassionate woman interested in helping others and supporting her family

• Jeanne Dixon's signed confession that astrology is a “load of crap.”

Note:  This is a developing story.  More details will be provided as soon as Pecker creates them.