Coming up next on the Celebrity Idiot Apprentice President: Live Free and Die

By Ida Tarbell
Spy Washington Bureau

President U Bum is threatening to reopen America without adequate testing and contact screening.  The inevitable result, according to people who actually know what they're talking about, would be catastrophe: hundreds of thousands of needless deaths, following by even worse economic calamity:

Rather than ramping up a massive national testing regime, the federal government has been signaling to states that they’re soon going to be on their own. And as for contact tracing  . . .  to track down every contact of a person who tests positive — well, there’s simply no sign whatsoever that either project is even in the works, let alone ready for an early May rollout. And if the government doesn’t have the capacity to quickly identify and isolate new cases, relaxing social distancing will simply lead to renewed outbreaks.

So is the Grifter-in-Chief starring in a Washington version of the road to Jonestown, when hundreds of clueless cult followers committed mass suicide at the direction of their charismatic evil leader, Jim Jones?

With an Administration this demented and malicious, you don't want to dismiss any possibility no matter how terrifying or repugnant, but we think something else is at work.  Let's start with the stupidest explanation, which is the Occam's Razor for the Tangerine-Faced Grifter.

Keep in mind that to President PAB, there is nothing besides the performance.  This has been true of his entire wretched, failed career.  It didn't matter how many times his crapcan casinos went bankrupt or he had to be bailed out by his father, as long as he could play the role of real estate tycoon/swinger/B list celebrity.

One thing about Republican Presidents: 
they're consistent

Today, it doesn't matter how many thousands die, how many doctors and nurses are needlessly exposed to a potentially-fatal disease due to his inept handling of protective gear, how shambolic his government's response to this public health crisis is, or what qualified experts are telling him.  All that matters is the next episode of his current smash reality-TV hit, The Celebrity Idiot Apprentice President,  weeknights at 6 Eastern (check local listings to find which stations owned by Sinclair or Fox are still broadcasting this crap).

Since he has nothing useful or newsworthy to say, President Tiny Toadstool has to offer a cliffhanger to get the rubes to tune in tomorrow.  What better than when can you attend your favorite monster truck rally?  Will it be Easter?  May 1?  June?  Tune in tomorrow and find out!  Of course, if you do, you still won't find out because then you would stop watching.  So watch anyway and find out that the Grifter-in-Chief has punted the decision (supposedly) to an all-star panel including his gormless daughter, his incompetent son-in-law, Sean Hannity, Kid Rock, and an exciting surprise panelist!  You won't believe who it is!  Maybe they'll come out in a mask and make us all guess.

So that's the first reason.

The second reason also aligns perfectly with every past disaster the Bankrupt-in-Chief has ever been involved with, from Trump University to enlisting Russian help in stealing the 2016 election to obstructing justice by extorting the Ukrainian President.  His response to every failure: blame it on someone else.  Why did real President Obama who left office in January, 2017 fail to order tests for a virus that didn't spread to humans until 2019?  Why didn't Governors buy ventilators they didn't know they would ever need when they were cheap?  Why did a pair of dallying FBI agents allegedly create the irrefutable evidence of his campaign's involvement with Russian agents?

So far, it's worked just fine for him.  To a mind as primitive as his, that can mean only one thing: let's do it again!

Start with the fact that despite his vision of himself as the Great and All-Powerful Wizard, in fact the decision to end stay-at-home orders rests not with him but with the Governors of the several states.  That's insane enough when you think about it but, given the incompetence of the current occupant of the White House, probably a blessing:

 In actuality, the decision on when and how to reopen is not entirely Mr. Trump’s to make because he never ordered it closed. The stay-at-home edicts that have kept the vast bulk of Americans indoors were issued by governors state by state.

In reality, the clueless celebrity apprentice President is contemplating the following scenario:

1.  Set a ridiculous date for the reopening, based on sage advice from Jared, Art Laffer, and Francis the Talking Mule.  Just kidding – it turns out President U Bum is getting advice from hedge fund grifters and finaglers:

Paul Tudor Jones made an impassioned push to reopen the economy on a conference call organized by Mr. Kushner several weeks ago, these people said, and the investor Nelson Peltz was said to be influential in Mr. Trump’s since-aborted plan to begin reopening by Easter.

2.  Forty or more Governors ignore him, except for the ten or so southern and plains-state Republicans who have drunk the hydroxychloroquine.

3.  The country remains on lockdown.

4.  The economy remains stagnant.

Would she lie to you?  Ask the IRS!

5.  President U Bum now blames the economic crises not on his own incompetence (which would be correct) but on those coastal elite Governors keeping people home for no reason.

6.  This absurd line is propagated night and day through the Schlox News disinformation cannons.

7.  A majority of white people buy it.

Add a collapse of the electoral system like Wisconsin, a Supreme Court determined to extend Republican power, some half-assed third party pinko spoiler (like Jill Stein), Russian subversion, and, presto, you've got a re-election!

You've also got plenty of death and suffering.  To find out how the Celebrity Idiot Apprentice President handles that, tune in tonight!

 It's entertainment to die for!