Editors' Note: A new era dawns in Washington. The broken glass and Cleveland steamers have been swept out of the U.S. Capitol. The Tangerine-Faced Loser has been exiled to await impeachment and indictment. What better time to consult the Spy's peerless political prognosticator, David Bloviator, who has covered every Inauguration since 1960? The Spy caught up with our celebrated political savant, exiled from his usual listening post at the National Press Club bar, in the comfort of his den in an undisclosed location somewhere inside the Beltway [Annandale – Copy Ed.]. And for only a modest honorarium of a case of Chivas Regal [I said a bottle – Ed.], he was willing to share his wisdom with you, the humble reader.
TMS: Mr. Bloviator, it's a pleasure to welcome you in the first week of the Biden Administration.
DB: Yes, it is. Get me my ice bucket.
TMS: I can't Mr. Bloviator. This is a virtual conversation.
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| The Spy's peerless political prognosticator David Bloviator says we need unity |
DB: Damnation and hellfire. Yet another intolerable restriction on my freedom. Next thing you know, I won't be able to go to the Post Office without a mask on.
TMS: Actually, you won't. That was in one of President Biden's first Executive Orders.
DB: It's just like slavery. Or Nazi Germany. Or the Chinese Communist Party. Or all three.
TMS: What about the rule requiring you to wear pants? Is that also an intolerable assault on liberty?
DB: That's completely different.
TMS: Why?
DB: Because Republicans wear pants, you jackanape!
TMS: Let's talk about the Inauguration.
DB: Let's. It portends.
TMS: What does it portend?
DB: It portends a new era in American politics.
TMS: Isn't that true every time a new President is inaugurated?
DB: And your point is?
TMS: What can we expect from the new Administration?
DB: That is the key question all of Washington is mulling over.
TMS: Us too.
[Sound of Scotch poured into a tall glass]
DB: Ah, that's better. I was thirsty.
TMS: Speaking of thirsty, for what does America thirst?
DB: It thirsts for unity. It thirsts for a rededication to our common purpose. It thirsts for leadership.
TMS: What should President Biden do to slake this thirst?
DB: He must reach out. He must avoid dividing the country. He must be the Great Unifier.
TMS: Does that mean he should be working toward solving great national crises, like a raging pandemic, economic collapse, restoring America's standing in the world, and protecting the Republic from far-right insurrectionists?
DB: Of course not, you young whippersnapper.
TMS: What should he do instead?
DB: Whatever Mitch McConnell lets him do.
TMS: That's kind of a funny definition of unity, isn't it?
DB: There's nothing funny about it. Spending huge sums on bailing out states, cash payments to idlers, and welfare are controversial and divisive.
TMS: So the only way President Biden can unify the country is by adopting the Republican agenda and doing nothing?
DB: There is much to be done. I am sure that the Republicans would welcome a bipartisan effort to cut Social Security and Medicare.
TMS: But 81 million people voted for Biden because he promised to relieve the suffering of the poor and afflicted. Wouldn't he be in effect abandoning them?
DB: Unity has its price, young man. Sometimes we must all make sacrifices to bring our country together.
TMS: What sacrifice are Republicans being asked to make?
DB: They are being asked to accept a Democrat as President. That is a perversion of the natural order of things.
TMS: It is?
DB: That's how Republicans see it. That's why they look so glum.
TMS: How does the impending impeachment trial of the former President fit into this?
DB: Any effort to impeach a former President will only fan the flames.
TMS: What flames?
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Biden must reach out to very special people, says our ace pundit David Bloviator |
TMS: How do you know that?
DB: Because Alan Dershowitz and Lindsey Graham say so. Have they ever been wrong before?
TMS: Yes. Pretty much always.
DB: My point remains that the best way to unify the country is to put the past behind us.
TMS: You mean bury it?
DB: I mean move on.
TMS: Didn't we try that after the Civil War?
DB: And look how well it worked! We haven't had a bit of trouble since then?
TMS: What about the invasion of the Capitol and the attempted overthrow of the Legislative Branch of government?
DB: That of course was regrettable but an understandable reaction.
TMS: An understandable reaction to what?
DB: To the feelings of disappointment on the part of the Republican base. Also their concerns.
TMS: What concerns?
DB: Their concerns that the election fraud wasn't being investigated adequately.
TMS: There wasn't any election fraud.
DB: How do you know that until it's been investigated?
TMS: We know it because 64 courts and the former Attorney General agreed there was no fraud that affected the results.
DB: But leading Republicans said that concerns were not addressed.
TMS: Don't you think they were just essentially making crap up to stir up the base and promote their own electoral chances in 2024?
DB: Are you accusing distinguished Senators like Ted Cruz and Josh Howley of making false and unsubstantiated claims?
TMS: Yes I am.
DB: Are you aware that they were educated at America's most distinguished universities, including Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford?
TMS: Do you have any idea how many insufferable a**holes graduated from Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and Stanford?
DB: I'm sure there have been a few. But don't forgot how mean people were to Bari Weiss, so both sides!
TMS: We'll have to leave it there. Thank you Mr. Bloviator.
DB: How do you turn this f***ing thing off?
TMS: Here let me help you.
[Presses "End Meeting" button]
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| David Bloviator: Always right and never in doubt! |
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