Chaos at the Border - Journalists Trapped for Days!

By Immigration Editor Emma Goldman

EL PASO, Texas – The termination of the transparently fraudulent “public health” ban to seeking asylum has as predicted resulted in chaos, catastrophe, and disaster on the U.S. Southern Border.

Hordes of journalists, politicians and cable news talking heads have descended on the border, overwhelming both desperate refugees and the resources of hard-pressed area residents.

Flood of refugees not spotted at border

“We can't even walk down the street without being accosted by a camera crew,” complained El Paso resident Jaime Burke. “They've taken over our city and we need help desperately,” he said.

As the expected flood of refugees seeking admission failed to materialize, the plight of TV reporters desperately seeking alarming video to stream around the world only worsened.  “I've been standing out in the hot sun for nine hours and I still don't have any usable footage of thousands of scary immigrants rampaging across the border,” complained three-time local Dayton Emmy winner Janet Cooke.

But she said that her plight was growing ever more desperate.  “This sun is ruining my foundation, I'm sweating like a pig and my photographer spilled his latte over the my blazer.  How am I supposed to survive this ordeal?”

Jacksonville weekend anchor Judy Miller described her suffering: “First I missed my connection in Dallas and then the airline lost my luggage so I had to get a new outfit at Target.  Target!”  She shuddered at the unbearable memory.

“And now that I'm here, I have to go from border crossing to border crossing looking for someone to interview.  If this keeps us I'll be forced to interview Ted Cruz!”  Gritting her newly-veneered teeth, Miller vowed to keep going no matter what.  “There's no turning back for me.  If you think I'm going back to the 5 a.m. traffic report in Jax, you're out of your mind.  I'm just hoping for a better life as a reporter.  Is that too much to ask?”

Desperate journalists try to find a story at the border

Despite all she had been through in her torturous journey to the border, Miller said she would still maintain her dignity.  “Katrina Pierson wanted me to interview her live and I told her I'm desperate, but not that desperate,” she said.

Adding to the plight of the thousands of reporters trapped without a story along the Rio Grande, the occasional refugee that does show up at the points of entry are getting wise to the media's need for scary looking brown people.

“I tried to interview some big scary looking Venezuelan yesterday and he told me that he wouldn't go on camera until I agreed to forward his proposal for a seven-part reality series about his journey to the network,” complained ruggedly handsome cable reporter Mel Mush.  Mush admitted that the refugee's arc was “pretty compelling.”

Everyone was critical of the federal government's response to the media crisis at the Southern border.  “Where are the federal officials?  Where are the tours of border facilities?” asked Mush. “The federal response has been totally inadequate to handle the number of live shots that should have beeen anticipated.”

Reporters were also critical of the lack of resources on the border. “I need a mani-pedi and the only place in Eagle Pass that can do it is all booked up,” whined Cooke.

She also rubbished the buses provided by the Department of Homeland Security to transport reporters among the widely-scattered crossing points at the Texas border. “They're school buses!  They're diz-gust-ting!”

Miller was even more outraged. “The government has totally failed to provide adequate shelter.  I had to stay at a Motel Six 50 miles away in Salt Flats.  Do you know what the desert air does to my pores?”

Reporters are at their breaking point at the border

In response to the crisis, Biden Administration officials have airlifted 1,500 Army troops to the region, where they will do nothing but provide pleasing fodder for TV B-rolls.   Mush grudgingly admitted that the moderately exciting visuals of fully uniformed troops walking around in the heat and polishing the Humvees was “better than nothing, but still inadequate to our need.”

As a result of the lackluster federal response, state and other officials are rushing to fill the coverage gap.  Racist screaming Border Patrol union hacks have offered their services for local and national TV hits.  Fat white men in cowboy hats supposedly representing Texas have also been willing to spread anti-immigrant bigotry to any reporter that needs a live interview.

With refugees not flooding the border crossings, the crisis is not expected to abate until Ted Cruz puts on his war surplus commando gear and farts around in a raft on the Rio Grande.

As a last resort, journalists may have no choice but to actually tell their viewers that the efforts of desperate refugees to flee violence and oppression and do the work that Trump voters in a million years wouldn't do is not in fact a crisis or disaster and that anyone who claims otherwise is a cynic or a bigot.

When confronted with that prospect, Cooke said, “ I'd sooner appear on camera without my eyelashes than tell people the truth about immigration.”