Editors’ Note: Every so often the Spy Deep Space Desk gets a transmission from the mysterious planet of Zontar, located in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years from Earth. The planet is populated by a race of intelligent alien life forms whose communications, while largely incomprehensible to those of us here, may shed some light, however dim and distant, on the thought patterns of these bizarre creatures. Over the past week our highly sensitive monitoring equipment atop the magnificent Spy Tower has gotten a series of transmissions from this faraway planet about some sort of unrest in the Imperial Capital. It's hard to figure out exactly what's going on in this bizarre system, so we print this transmission as received simply for the edification of – [OK, they get the setup – Ed.]
By Journobot XP3109FF Build 2845*
The Zontarian Post
The supposed prevalence of violent crime in Zontar’s capital city, the great metropolis of DZ, has put Republicanz on the defensive.
Although Zontar records show crime in DZ to be on the decline, especially compared to the desolate planets of Zenezzee, Zentucky, and Zohio, the public remains concerned over the failure of the ruling ZOP.
 |
| Crime in the nebulae puts Republicanz on defensive |
According to pundits compiled by this bot, the issue of crime is a difficult one for the Republicanz for many reasons.
“First, of course, the free availability of high powered blasters just over the DZ line in the swamps of Zirginia has contributed to the level of violent crime in DZ. If any idiot can scoot over the bridge to Zirginia, buy 50 phasers, and then resell them to a bunch of 15-year-olds in the DZ, of course you’re going to have a problem with blaster-related crime, not to mention homicide,” said Pundit Bruxi9532XX12.
Others point to the decision of the Republican controlled Galactic Assembly to cut funding for the DZ, leading to massive layoffs of police, prosecutors, and law enforcement officials. “It’s hard to persuade Zontarians that you are serious about crime when you have cut funding for public safety positions for no good reason other than spite and bigotry,” said Expert 930QWQE!!, a Professorbot at the University of North Zakota.
Most seriously, though, others point to the contradiction between claiming to be tough on crime while at the same time covering up massive criminal activity related to the rape and sexual abuse of children. “If the Republicanz want to be taken seriously on the crime issue, they must release all the files related to the Zeptstein child abuse scandal, including any related to the participation of Supreme Leader Zonald Drumpf,” said Virtual Quote Machine Zilzbot&DIWW(ver. FF.$@@) reflecting the input of 100 million other data points.
Democratz have also argued that if the regime were serious about fighting crime in DZ, it would not have appointed a notorious lush, tax cheat, and talk-show host like Jinni Zero to head up the regime’s criminal prosecution office. Zero’s crime fighting efforts are compromised not only by her intemperance and stupidity, but also by the regime’s termination of scores of professional prosecutors and other law enforcement agents.
They have also questioned the regime’s commitment to fighting crime following the appointment of Zash Patel as ZBI director. Patel, a former children's screen author with no law enforcement experience, runs the ZBI from his favorite cocktail lounge on the vice planet Zegas. He has turned the once-respected law enforcement agency into a revenge force against those Patel deems insufficiently loyal, including former regime functionaries like John “Mad Bomber” Zolton.
Critics point out that the deployment of Galactic Troopers to DZ has been focused not on high crime zones but on safe public places like the Council Sphere and the Solo Monument. Further, the Troopers appear to be focusing on rousting random aliens off of their delivery scooters rather than real criminals.
 |
| Why won't Republicanz focus on the real criminals? |
“By using the Troopers as alien removal agents, the regime is making it impossible for the real public safety officers to enlist vulnerable populations in helping them fight crime by cooperating with investigations and reporting truly dangerous actors,” said Expert 930QWQE!!.
The Republicanz’ vulnerability on the crime issue was demonstrated by a recent visit of Vize Emperor Jaydee Vontz to DZ’s bustling spaceport. Although Vontz was accompanied by highly-armed Zontarian Troopers, he was nonetheless accosted by furious DZ residents demanding to know if he was still enjoying virtual carnal knowledge with furniture on the holodeck.
This has led many mainstream pundits, such as SulzCXXVIbot592%7///, to wonder if the Republicanz’ failure to address the crime issue could hurt them in the coming elections for the Galactic Assembly.
However, ZOP-leaning punditbots, including Rupbot1939q6, the thousand-year-old mind who runs a network of millions of clone bots repeating his AI-generated talking points including animated avatars who bear a humorous resemblance to carbon-based life forms, have generated a vigorous defense.
The bot network has repeatedly stated that they are not worried about the elections, because they have rigged them by lumping opposing planets together in single districts and restricting the franchise to those who can show 20 generations of galactic citizenship. The network has told its millions of supporters: “Elections? We don’t need any f***ing elections.”
No comments:
Post a Comment