Men, are you having trouble with your love life despite your obvious superiority? Just ask Jeff!

We're hearing a lot these days about the crisis of American men.  Alone, adrift, unsure of how to navigate the complexities of modern life including how to score with their subordinates at work.  As always, the Spy is here to help!  That's why we're inaugurating our new advice column, Ask Jeff.  This column gives confused and lonely guys the chance to pick the brain of one of America's most successful and admired men, Jeffrey Epstein (you didn't really believe he was dead, did you?) 

If you've got a question, just email it to Jeff at funwithJeff@harvard.edu and send along $40 million or a Harvard fleece.  He'll set you straight!

Dear Jeff,

I'm a tall successful Jewish professional with a resumé that guys would kill for.  In addition, I'm ruggedly handsome and my wife doesn't care what I do in my spare time.  But I'm having trouble getting the ball into the hole, if you catch my drift.  I have mentored a number of smoking hot young women but none of them are willing to knock boots with me.  Now my boss has found out and lots of people in the Yard, um, my place of work are really angry with me.  I've tried the usual – empty apology, fake contrition, and lowering my public profile, and everyone is still busting my balls.  What else can you suggest?

–  Larry from Cambridge

Dear Larry,

I feel your pain.  It's getting so a normal guy can't hit on his subordinates even if he's super nice about it and agrees to review her slides first.  What happened?   And you have absolutely done the right thing with a bulls*** apology while holding on to your high paying no heavy lifting faculty appointment.  My advice is that you should get the hell out of Dodge for a while and find someplace warm and sunny out of the way.  Why not swing by the Island for a while and I can fix you up with some very bright young women who will ensure that Demand equals Supply, if you catch my drift, and I know you do.

Dear Jeff,

I am the world's most brilliant lawyer.  If you don't believe me just ask my grateful clients, at least the ones who are still alive.  Although I am brilliant, charming, rich, and convivial, I find that I am no longer invited to the right parties on Martha's Vineyard.  It used to be when I sunbathed in the nude on Lucy Vincent Beach, it would attract a crowd of admirers.  Now no one cares, and I can't even get a pierogi on the Island anymore.  What can I do to make these people feel guilty enough so that they will invite me to their parties again?  What about saying that ignoring me is just another example of rampant anti-Semitism?  Well, isn't it? 

– Alan from Chilmark

Dear Alan,

They're just jealous of your mind as well as your body.  I don't even know why you waste time with these losers (unless they are famous in which case you should introduce me to them).   Why not come on down to my Island?  We've brought in a number of new Burmese masseuses you can call “Olga” if you like.  I am sure that a few sessions with them will make you forget all your aches and pains.  This time, though, as we used to say at Dalton, drop the gattkes!

Dear Jeff,

I am a visionary genius with intelligence and powers far beyond the reach of mere mortals.  For months now, I have been trying to warn the rabble of the arrival of the anti-Christ and his plan to destroy New York City.  Yet, as further proof that the lower orders are incapable of governing themselves, my warnings are being ignored except for a few of my most enlightened followers.  What can I do to make the churls understand?

– St. Peter Afrikaner, Palo Alto

Dear Peter,

First of all, lighten the f up!  No one likes a Debbie Downer!  Second, don't let them know that you're frustrated.  The lower orders love that.  Instead, continue to reach out to your fellow overlords to pass along your message.  Speaking of passing along your message, I hear that CNN is for sale and for only $24 million I am willing to advise you how it could be yours for a relative pittance.  Just imagine – you and you alone will decide what the rabble hears on the Christ News Network!  You won't even have to change the sign!  Hmu!  In the meantime, book yourself on a podcast with a sympathetic host.  I'd go with Ross Douthat.

Dear Jeff,

Where is the life that late I led?  Where is now, totally dead?  Where is the fun I used to find?  Where has it gone?  Gone with the wine!

Get me out of here, Jeff! 

Now my loony brother has stuck me in some dreary hellhole in Scotland.  The only available rogering involves woolly creatures out in the fields.  I'm not there yet, but I can't go on like this much longer!

Worst yet, I don't have a brass farthing to my name.  Can you be a prince of a fellow and lend me a few million quid just so I can get back in the game?

Regally yours,

Andy, Crathie (wherever the f*** that is).

Dear Andy,

No.

Dear Jeff,

I'm a swinging charismatic big-city mayor soon to have a lot of time on my hands.  I was thinking maybe I could come down to your island and chill.  I'm lots of fun and a snappy dresser.  Maybe beginning the second week of January?

– Eric, Jersey City, NJ

Dear Eric,

Sure, as soon as you come across with the $40 million or the Harvard fleece.  Them's the rules.  As they say in Jersey, money talks and bulls*** walks!

Dear Jeff,

You probably don't get a lot of letters from super-hot women like me, but here goes!  I'm a tall blonde gal who likes to have a good time and also likes older men.  A lot (both the liking and the older part). I just wrote a book that everyone is talking about.  But now the mean girls who are jealous of my body and my body count are talking trash about me and how I'm an empty narcissistic gold-digger with nothing to say!  How should I respond?*  By the way, this is me at 16.  

 

That was 16 years ago but I still have it!  You're always giving great advice to guys on how they can improve their public image, so can you help me?  We can discuss on a Zoom call if you like!

- Livvy from Malibu 

Dear Livvy,

I used to teach math at the prestigious Dalton School so I can add 16 +16 and get the result = I'm not interested.