Lawrence: City of Death

By Jack Kerouac
Merrimack Valley Correspondent

LAWRENCE, Massachusetts – Thanks to the courage of the plucky Governor of New Hampshire, Chris “Thanks Dad” Sununu (R – Inheritance), the lid has finally been prized off one of the most shocking crime stories in New England history: the kidnapping and forced drug addiction of tens of thousands of upstanding Granite Staters at the hands of the arch criminals rampaging through the streets of this weary Merrimack Valley mill town.

According to Thanks Dad, innocent New Hampshire men and women are lured from the trailer parks by the siren salsa of Lawrence drug dealers.  Once across the state line, these lambs are kidnapped, injected with heroin and fentanyl, and then doomed to addiction and death, thanks entirely to these Massachusetts-based fiends and not at all to New Hampshire's chintzy failure to fund an adequate public health and drug treatment program.

Sununu made his sensational charge in an address to the New Hampshire Association of Mouth Breathers at their annual convention at the Dunkin' Donuts in Manchester.  He alleged that New Hampshire's crushing opioid epidemic was “85%” the fault of these Lawrence malefactors, rather than bored and stoned Granite Staters looking for a buzz.

It may look innocent, but Gov. Sununu has a warning for all
Granite Staters: be very afraid

A spot survey of the streets of Manchester appeared to bear out Sununu's claim: everyone we saw looked like they were blasted out of their brains on narcotics.  The few that had yet to fall into Lawrence's spider web of sin were quick to place the blame where it belonged.

“I know that at least half of my fellow Londonderry Mensa members have been lured into Lawrence and forced to consume huge amounts of narcotics,” said Mary T. Burke, who gave her address as Trailer #317, Londonderry.

Speaking outside of the New Hampshire High School, graduating senior Jimmy Burke said that most of the kids in his class decided they might as well get wasted in Lawrence after learning that all AP classes had been cancelled due to the decision of Governor Sununu and his cracker legislature to cut state funding to local schools to zip-oh.

“My friends were super jacked to be able to take calculus but then the school announced that we would instead be sent home and told to study Wikipedia because the teachers had all been fired,” he said.  “So we decided we might as well drive to Lawrence and there these scary brown people made us eat this really spicy food and shoot up after.”

Governor Sununu, having leveled his bombshell accusation, then emulated his political and ethical ego ideal by ignoring the subject all week and going into hiding at a Koch-fund retreat in nearby Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

However, he emerged on Friday to open the new New Hampshire State Liquor Store located feet from the Massachusetts state line on Interstate 93.  He hailed the state-of-the-art packy, noting with pride the freshly paved express off- and on-ramps that allow motorists headed to Massachusetts to tank up on cheap hootch without even leaving their cars.

“Proving once again that New Hampshire leads the nation in liquor sales innovation, I am so proud of our new drive-in frozen margarita bars, which allow motorists to grab foot tall tequila-laden slushies without leaving their cars.  Another first for the Granite State,” he exulted.

The rookie Governor went on to excoriate those who would seek to make a profit by peddling dangerous addictive drugs to innocent passers-by, calling them “the lowest form of hypocrites.”

Standing in front of the gleaming new outpost of the state's liquor sales monopoly, Governor Sununu told New Hampshiremen that he would never tire of fighting what he called “creeping socialism” and reminded Bay Staters of the New Hampshire Liquor Authority's convenient “no carding” policy.