Op-ed from Zontar: Why won't the President focus on real Americans like me?

Editors' Note:  From time to time the Spy receives dispatches at its Deep Space Desk from the alien planet of Zontar, located in the Remulac galaxy millions of light-years away.  While these strange creatures live in a world totally unlike our own (except for the 29-minute hyperloop commutes), sometimes the dispatches we receive from their bizarre world bear an eerie resemblance to events happening – [They get the drift – Ed.]

By Maureen Zowd
Op-Ed Columnist
The New Zork Times

Devoted readers of my column, who number in the millions I am sure, will recall that I sometimes turn it over to my immensely clever and authentic working-class brother, Kevin, a turd welder who still lives in Zannandale, Virginia – quelle horreur!

Last fall, after the election of President Drumpf, he expressed the view that those effete liberals got what they deserved because they were more interested in letting trans people use whatever bathroom fit their sexual identity than alleviating the plight of oppressed white men.  As I'm off to the Vineyard for a few weeks, I'm letting Kevin take over.  Let it rip!  Also where is my beach umbrella?

My brother Kevin still isn't happy

What the f*** does President Donald Z. Drumpf think he's doing?  Enough with the flirty interviews with my sister.  This guy has turned out to be an even worse elitist than those Chablis-chugging liberals who sold us down the river in favor of the great-great-grandchildren of the slaves that the good Jesuits of Georgetown sold down the river 150 years earlier.

This guy said that he was going to protect the American worker from imported goods from China and imported assassins from Mexico.  Instead of helping hard-working turd welders he's spending his time on crap like trying to kick trans troops out of the military.  What good is that going to do for us struggling white men fighting to save Western Civilization?  I mean, who gives a f*** about the sexual identity of troops?  As long as they can launch missiles at ragheads for the next twenty years to give me a thrill, that's all anyone should care about.

And this Russia thing?  If you ask me, and you should because as a white man I'm the authentic voice of America, we're spending a lot of time on Vladimir Putin and not enough on competition from cheap imported welded turds from Slobbovia.  How am I supposed to pay child support if I don't have a job?  Of course, I'm not paying that bitch a f***in' dime anyway, but you catch my drift.

Drumpf has got every single white man fighting with every other white man in Washington.  We didn't elect him to do that.  We elected him to take health care away from Negroes as long as my mother can stay in her Medicaid nursing home bed.  And he can't even get that much done.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Drumpf could f*** up a one-care funeral.  You go to the Boy Scout Jamboree and you tell them about some orgy you went to on some rich guy's yacht?  That's just great. Meanwhile, do you know how much it costs to insure my Harley just because of a few random DUI's?  I was just a little buzzed for f***'s sake.  And the cop seemed kinda dyke-y to me too.  OK, maybe I shouldn't have told her that, but still!

And remember how much fun it was to rag on Obama for going golfing every weekend instead of creating more demand for welded turds?  So now we have Drumpf spending millions flying each weekend to his own golf courses doing the exact same thing he was criticizing Obama for.  I'm beginning to think maybe something isn't on the level with this guy.

Instead of apologizing for America, like Obama and that crooked bitch Hillary always did, now we have a President that the rest of us have to apologize for.  Even a dumb putz like me can tell we have become the laughingstock of the world for letting this guy loose, not to mention turning over the United States Government to his mouth-breathing children and in-laws.  And speaking of loose, will someone add some Metamucil to his fried chicken so he won't spend an hour every morning Tweeting from the throne?  I hate to sound like Michelle Obama, but would it kill this guy to have a salad?

It's enough to drive a man to fentanyl.  Speaking of which, I gotta see a guy about a thing.  Will this do, Maureen?

[Sure.  Louise, please send to desk and get me a reservation at State Road Cafe for 8.  Thx. – M.Z.]