Our first thought was: sure they would. Our second was: didn't we just do this bit? [Actually, it was 11 years ago – Louise Mensch, Intern]. Nonetheless, The College needs our help again and we have no choice but to oblige. We propose the following outstanding nominees. The extremely careful reader may notice a common thread connecting these fine individuals from which said reader may infer our categorical preference for the next President.
Barack or Michelle Obama
- It's Barack/Michelle Obama!
- Each has a Harvard degree, and at least plausible Ivy League B.A.'s.
- Brilliant, devoted to education and inclusiveness
- It's Barack/Michelle Obama!
- With Michelle in charge of Harvard Dining Services, undergrads likely to starve
- Probably not going to be putty in the hands of the Faculty and the Corporation
- Would need to commute until Sasha graduates
- Malia can probably kiss that fireplace single in Adams House good-bye
David Ortiz
Pros:
- Proven record of success in turning around underperforming Boston-area institutions
- Inspiring
- Team player
- No one is going to f*** with his University
- No Harvard degree
- Probably not going to have much luck raising big bucks in Area Code 212. Or 718.
- May not be happy to learn that at Harvard, President bats eighth.
- Harvard will eventually have to rename a dorm “Big Papi House” [Why isn't this a pro? – Ed.]
Dr. Ben Carson
Pros:
- Old joke from 1971: We don't want to stick Harvard with this guy but imagine how much better off the nation would be.
- Has advanced degrees from fancy institutions
- Likes rich people
- Not likely to interrupt faculty meetings, or as he calls them, nap time
Cons:
- Running a great university ain't brain surgery, which means this guy will f*** it up
- If I were a Harvard dean, I'd wear a big belt buckle.
- Don't think Harvard will cotton to idea that lack of money is a state of mind.
- Even fewer social skills than Derek Bok
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