Dispatches from the war fronts: U.S. forces routed in Syria

By Douglass MacArthur
War Correspondent

SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST (Passed by U.S. Military Censor) – American G.I.'s in Syria today carried out the most humiliating retreat of U.S. forces since the First Battle of Bull Run, having been defeated without even firing a shot.

Our gallant lads and lasses, given up by their Commander-in-Chief at the Battle of the Bone Spurs, had no choice but to flee the battlefield in shame and disgrace, abandoning their long-time Kurdish allies to likely death and destruction at the hands of the bloodthirsty Turk.

Among the indelible images of American impotence and cowardice were the bombing of our own abandoned bases in Syria, reminiscent of the rout of the Battle of Manila in 1942, and the jeering of Kurdish civilians, soon to face overwhelming odds as they try to battle on against the merciless hordes of Turkey and Russia.

This correspondent witnessed the shameful flight of splendidly equipped and trained U.S. forces hightailing out of Syria in their magnificent armored vehicles with their American flags hanging limply with shame in the cool desert air.

Although the exact details of the operation remain subject to strict U.S. military censorship, this correspondent has learned that crack U.S. units were ordered to abandoned their fortified and well-supplied positions with unseemly haste, on the orders of their feckless Commander-in-Chief Tweeted out to U.S. battlefield commands from the Presidential Golf Cart in Sterling, Va.

The hasty collapse of U.S. resistance to Turkish atrocities came about in a ten-minute phone call between “Five Deferments” Don and wily Ottoman strongman Vlad D. Impaler [Louise, please check – Ed.].

With the order to end effective military resistance to Turkish aggression given, U.S. troops had no choice but to hightail it out of Syria, towards an Iraq that already said it did not want them there either.

The humiliation has taken a terrible toll on your sons and daughters not fighting in Syria.  Said Sgt. Alvin York: “We were just watching the football game when the order came down: damn the innocent Kurdish civilians, full speed to the rear.”  He said that the stunned G.I.'s didn't even have the opportunity to take their Cheetos and Gatorade with them, providing a vital source of food to the starving Turkish troops on their heels.

“We had to abandon not only a great set of weightlifting equipment; we couldn't even bring our cross-trainers, ” said Sgt. York. “The exercise bikes never had a chance,” he said bitterly.

U.S. forces in Syria adopted 
French Army tactics from 1940

Senior American officers were thunderstruck when the order to collapse and fall back came in over the Twitter.  “I had never been trained to order an intact, well-armed, well-trained unit to run away from the battlefield with its tail between its legs,” remarked Col. Joshua Chamberlain.  “Fortunately, I was able to download from the Internet the French Army 1940 Surrender Manual.”

However, he hailed the professionalism and dedication of the U.S. military which allowed all U.S. forces to flee the battlefield like frightened rabbits within 72 hours of what the military command called “Surrender the Kurds”  Day or “Su-K Day” for short.  Col. Chamberlain said he doubted that any medals would be awarded for what the Pentagon was calling “Operation Gallipoli.”

As our G.I.'s fled across the desert, their powerful armored vehicles enduring round after round of incoming potatoes and other vegetable shellfire hurled by Kurds who regarded the convoy of shame as essentially their death warrant, word came that their intended safe haven – Iraq – wanted nothing to do with the vanquished Army, leaving Pentagon strategists to figure out where if anywhere the beleaguered forces could find a safe haven.

At a makeshift encampment deep in the Syrian desert, G.I.'s sat around a camp fire fed by top-secret military files taken by troops before they left and thought about home.

“I wonder what the folks back home think of us.  Are they as ashamed and humiliated as we are?” mused Corporal Jimmy Doolittle of Malone, New York.

Others thought about what they hoped their country would be like when their non-war was over.  “I'd love to see a country where kids aren't torn to bits by bullets fired by lunatics,” said PFC Davida Farragut of Saline, Michigan.

But Staff Sgt. Tony McAuliffe of Ottumwa, Iowa seemed to sum up the views of the disheartened troops the best when he said, “Someday I just hope we have a President who isn't a f***kin' corrupt national embarrassment.”

[Ida Tarbell reports from Washington:] On Capitol Hill, responses to the debacle suffered by American forces in Syria split along largely partisan lines.  While Democrats condemned the President's decision to compel U.S. forces to sell out their Kurdish ally for no reason, most Republicans stayed loyal to their party's standard-bearer.

A few, like Senator Wilfred M. “Profiles in Courage” Romney termed the headlong retreat of U.S. forces from Syria “something bad that happened although of course I don't hold anyone in particular responsible.”

However, other Republicans saw a silver lining in the disastrous news coming out of the Middle East.  In a statement, Senate Majority Leader “Moscow” Mitch McConnell said that that the sacrifice of U.S. troops, credibility and honor was made worthwhile because the same forces had brought about tax cuts for the rich and the appointment of a reactionary sex criminal to the Supreme Court. “Rest assured, America's reputation for integrity and honor did not die in vain,” he concluded.