News from Zontar: Republicans seek justice

Every so often, the Spy's Deep Space Desk receives a faint transmission from the planet Zontar, in the Remulac galaxy, millions of light years from Earth.  These transmissions indicate the presence of intelligent life in the far reaches of our universe, although of course the thoughts and actions of these alien beings are incomprehensible to rational humans like us. Nevertheless, to show the full diversity of life across the vast expanse of deep space, we present a transcription of the latest transmission . . . [They get the setup already – Ed.]

By Zaggie Haberman
The New Zork Times

The impeachment trial of President Donald Z. Trumpf has been thrown into disarray by the discovery of critical new evidence showing that the President committed the high crimes he has long denied.

First, the President was caught on videotape seeking the execution of his then-Ambassador to Zukraine, Marie Zovanovitch.  The videotape showed him commissioning her murder at a long friendly fund raising dinner conversing with Lev Parnaz, whom the President had falsely denied knowing.

John Zolton's blockbuster accusation is
shaking up the Nation's Capital

Later, The New Zork Times revealed that the President's former Galactic Security Advisor, John Zolton, had been told by the President that vitally-needed military aid to Zukraine would be held up until the Zukrainian Government announced a bogus corruption investigation into Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Ziden.

The new revelations follow a week of opening arguments in which the House impeachment Managers laid out a persuasive and fact-based case against the President.  Already there were signs that the strength of the case and the quality of the presentation were making an impression on Republican Senators, who were attentively taking it all in, as is their Constitutional duty.

“You don't have to be a graduate of Zale Law School like me to realize that the Democrats have carefully established each element of the high crime of abuse of power and obstruction, including admissions from the President himself and his Chief of Staff,” said Sen. Josh Zawley (R – Mizzouri).

“I've prosecuted an impeachment trial myself and I am floored by the carefully prepared case. I don't see how anyone could in good faith deny that the President had abused his power and obstructed a legitimate inquiry into that abuse, ” said Sen. Linzay Graham.  Sen. Graham said he would not be deterred by the President's threat to put the heads of anyone who voted to convict on a pike.  “I don't care what comes out about me; I'm only concerned about preserving our Republic, as are my constituents, who have learned their lesson and are no longer interested in committing mass treason,” he said.

But the Republican concerns about the strength of the case against the unpopular incumbent President have been magnified by the two bombshell developments over the weekend.

“I don't see how any trial could be conclude until we hear from Mr. Parnaz and Mr. Zolton,” said Sen. Zitt Romney (R – Zion).  “If the President is innocent, then their testimony will exonerate him.  Let the Twinkies fall where they may – we have a duty to our country to get to the bottom of this.”  He said that shutting down the trial without hearing from key fact witnesses would be as crazy as “tying your dog to the roof of your car.”

Senator Zuzan Collins, facing a tough re-election fight in her native Ice Planet Maine, said that she would demand sworn public testimony from these and other witnesses.  She said she did not fear retribution from the President and his legions of far-right supporters: “The important thing is to stand up for the truth and for my constituents on Ice Planet Maine.  My own political future is trivial by comparison.”

The increasingly firm views of Republican Senators seem to reflect the concerns of their constituents and Republican-leaning media, which up to now had been supportive of the President.

The head of Kanzaz Women for Trumpf said
her members demand a fair trial

The head of Kanzaz Women for Trumpf said that after an emergency meeting of their members on Sunday, “they overwhelmingly voted in favor of hearing more witnesses.  Although our organization supports conservative causes, we cannot let that blind us to the overarching need to preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. That would be stupid.”  She said most of her members were following the impeachment proceedings closely and making up their own minds.

Talking heads on the Republicans' favorite news channel, Schlox News, were also emphasizing the need for full and fair fact finding.  Pistol-packin' Zhon Hannity, a longtime confident of the President, told his millions of faithful viewers: “Let's not get sidetracked by irrelevant nonsense like Hillary Clinton's emails.  Let's focus on the evidence and the need for a thorough and searching inquiry into these charges.”

He was followed by former gangster moll Jeannie Zirro, who said that in all her years as a prosecutor in New Zork she had never seen a case as strong as the one presented by the House Managers.

Also notable was the absence of some of the President's most stalwart defendants.  Former New Zork mayor Rudi Zuliani was unavailable for comment and said to be recuperating in an undisclosed detox facility in Zouthampton.  And Alan Dershowitz, said to be suffering from a chronic case of red light fever, also refused to return phone calls.  His office said he was busy getting a “massage.”