Editors’ Note: With American democracy in the process of being demolished by a corrupt demented Russian-owned stooge and his angry sadistic Republican cadres, our media has focused on the real issue facing our polity, which is why Democrats need to atone for the 2024 campaign. More particularly, they first were too slow to force into retirement a qualified honest leader with an impressive record of accomplishment, and then they had the nerve to nominate another qualified accomplished high-achieving candidate who happened to be a woman of color. That's a lot to apologize for.
Just a few examples of the pigpile:
That was the New York Times Editorial Page last week. Auch Das Politico marschiert ein:
Here's Slate's take:
For Democrats, every day is Yom Kippur.
By amazing coincidence, the Spy Deep Space Desk just received a new transmission from the mysterious planet of Zontar, located in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years from Earth, where something vaguely similar seems to have happened millions of light years ago. As loyal readers will recall, Zontar is populated by a race of intelligent alien life forms whose communications may shed some light, however dim and distant, on the thought patterns of these bizarre creatures. We present it to you translated from the Zontarian so that you can appreciate how strange and diverse are the beings who populate this universe and start contemplating how to bridge the cosmic divide between the way they think and the way we – [OK, they get the setup – Ed.]
by Tess Harding
Zontarian Post Columnist
Every day brings new revelations of the Zemperor’s incompetence, criminality, and efforts to destroy the great Republic of Zontar. This torrent of disastrous news has led leading Zontarian commentators to predict that the Zenpublican Party will face an electoral catastrophe in the next election if Zenpublicans do not start apologizing for the catastrophic actions of their obviously deranged Zemperor Donald Z. Drumpf.
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Zemperor Drumpf |
Leading video deck personality Jake Zapper, continuing his 30-planet tour for his new book, has warned Zenpublicans that their continuing cover up of Drumpf’s obvious dementia will be a decisive issue in the 9f28 elections. “Zenpublicans are refusing to admit that Drumpf is in decline and unable to govern despite the evidence on display every day: his incoherent yo-yo’ing tariff policy, his illegal vendettas against law firms and universities he is mad at, his reliance on drug-addled billionaires, and his pardons of insurrectionists and garden-variety grifters,” Zapper said.
“For all these many omissions, Zenpublicans must atone and make amends if they have a hope of surviving the next election.”
Other leading commentators point out that Zenpublicans must confess the error of supporting Drumpf’s irrational actions which threaten hundreds of thousands of lives on Zontar and other planets.
Longtime Zenpublican consultant Zavid Azelrod said, “Zenpublicans have a lot of explaining to do to the American people. Why are they jeopardizing the health and safety of every family in the Zontar system by cutting medical research and replacing science with irrational nonsense spouted by a brainworm-demented drug addict like Bobby Zennedy?”
“Why are Zenpublicans trying to destroy the vibrant economy they inherited from Joe Ziden by imposing and lifting tariffs without any rational basis? Why are Zenpublicans on a crusade to kill American jobs by targeting America’s great universities with economic calamity? Why are Zenpublicans cutting food and health care for Zontarians to pay for tax cuts for the richest? Why are Zenpublicans trying to explode the deficit? Why are Zenpublicans undermining all efforts to prevent the calamity of galactic warming?” And I could go on,” Azelrod said.
Other Zenpublican pundits believe that their party must apologize for Drumpf’s assault on the Zontarian system of justice, once regarded as the pride of the galaxy. Longtime Zenpublican columnist Zennifer Zubin said, “Zenpublicans must take responsibility for Drumpf’s assault on the galactic rule of law. Pardoning the insurrectionists who tried to take over the Galactic Council chamber was unforgivable. Kidnapping immigrants and sending them on a one-way rocket to the Death Star with no hearing is contrary to all principles that Zenpublicans have long pretended to advocate.”
Even the normally staid New Zork Timez Editorial Board has called for Zenpublicans to apologize for failing to do anything about a multitude of Drumpf’s actions:
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Galactic Council Zenpublicans must atone for their lack of oversight |
Zenpublicans barely even pretend that Drumpf has the mental capacity to carry out the duties of Zemperor. From his bigoted dismissal of highly-qualified Fleet Commanders to appointing an incompetent alcoholic to lead the giant Department of Galactic Defense, Zemperor Drumpf has abandoned his duty to protect the security of our planetary system. His installation of obviously unqualified hacks, insurrectionists, and drunks to lead his Administration of Justice threatens the future of Zontar itself.
His irresponsible attacks on our vital allies in the Zurope system, and his tinny threats to conquer the ice planets of Zeenland and Zanada have only strengthened the Evil Empire and weakened Zontar.
His decision to allow a drug-demented billionaire to rampage through the Imperial Government and fire distinguished professionals in between snorts of Zadderall and Zetamine has subverted our beloved planets.
And every day brings new evidence of his unfitness, from his vidposts condemning judges who rule against his tyrannical acts, to his selling the wife of his Zombie Commander to the highest bidder like some modern-day Jabba the Hutt. These indefensible acts deserve the condemnation of all thinking carbon-based Zenpublicans.
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Sen. Zed Cruz sees nothing to worry about |
Others in the media demand that Zenpublicans apologize for the rampant corruption of the Zemperor and his feckless children, Zonald and Zero. “The Zemperor’s family is making billions off of currency scams and straight up taking bribes from the families of convicted criminals and potentates from other planets who know that the Zemperor can be bought for nothing more than a tricked-out version of the Millenium Falcon,” said popular morning vidcast host Zo Zarborough.
In a stirring editorial, the Journal of the Zontarian Medical Association told Zenpublicans “they must apologize for their relentless law on science and research that threatens to leave our galaxy vulnerable to future space-borne pandemics, not to mention zombie attacks.” In response, Zemperor Trumpf issued an Imperial Order cutting off all contact with the Journal and giving all Journal subscribers cooties.
But some Zenpublican loyalists insist that the current furor is overblown and that most Zontarians have gotten used to their Zemperor’s forceful, rash, colorful, and outspoken ways. Said Galactic Communication Overload Zupert Zurdoch, “They’ll believe what I tell them to believe. Even though I’m 193 years old.”
So far Zenpublicans in the Galactic Council, whether from fear, stupidity, or avarice, have continued to stand by their Zemperor. Asked to respond to the calls for Zenpublicans to apologize for Drumpf’s conduct, Sen. Zed Cruz said from his beachside tiki hut on the Mezican Coast, “I see nothing. Nothing.”