The Mad King's crime spree continues

 

By Legal Editor Saori Shiroseki with Meta-Content Generator A.J. Liebling

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Great Purge of 2026 continued, with the Supreme Leader pushing discredited stock-market tout Pam Bondi into the gravel pit of infamy, where she joins Kristi Noem.  Rumors are that the now former Legal Commissar will not be the last to be purged, as the Mad King's paranoia and fear spiral while his regime collapses around him as a result of his own insane diktats.

Pam Bondi, in happier times

Comrade Bondi, although a loyal bootlicker and apparatchik, apparently failed the Mad King by not indicting and sending to the gulag a sufficient number of the Mad King's political rivals and enemies.  Thus far, she has failed to bring to show trial any of the Mad King's targets, including dangerous deviationists like James Comey, Letitia James, Jerome Powell, or Adam Schiff, who all walk the streets as free citizens, an intolerable situation to the all powerful Leader whose whim is Law.

Unlike Comrade Noem, who was fobbed off with a sinecure appointment as Coordinator of the Five Year Plan for the Donroe International, Bondi was unceremoniously dispatched to the uninhabitable swamps of her native Florida.

While everyone enjoyed the spectacle of a cruel nasty incompetent toady getting her just rewards, the outrageousness not only of her conduct but of the reason the Mad King fed her to the alligators got in our view less attention than it deserved.

Since being re-elected, the Mad King, with hte passive or active support of every f****in' Republican, has engaged in a tyrannical attack on the Rule of Law on many fronts, including the perversion of justice involved in using the Department of Justice (among others) to investigate and mount frivolous criminal prosecutions of anyone who dared to oppose him.

His direction to the Department of Justice prosecutors to torment his enemies is both a crime (for which his Republican allies on the bent Supreme Court wrote him a full pre-emptive pardon) and an impeachable offense.

We know this because the late lamented Robert Mueller told us so, with respect to the Mad King's first term efforts, paltry by comparison, to pervert justice into a tool to persecute his enemies and reward his friends.

As a statutory matter, the President’s counsel has argued that a core obstruction-of-justice statute, 18 U.S.C. § 1512(c)(2), does not cover the President’s actions. As a constitutional matter, the President’s counsel argued that the President cannot obstruct justice by exercising his constitutional authority to close Department of Justice investigations or terminate the FBI Director [and] has made a categorical argument that “the President’s exercise of his constitutional authority here to terminate an FBI Director and to close investigations cannot constitutionally constitute obstruction of justice.”

In analyzing counsel’s statutory arguments, we concluded that the President’s proposed interpretation of Section 1512(c)(2) is contrary to the litigating position of the Department of Justice and is not supported by principles of statutory construction.  

2 Mueller Report at 159.

As a matter of statutory interpretation, the Mueller Report concluded “Several textual features of Section 1512(c)(2) support the conclusion that the provision broadly prohibits corrupt means of obstructing justice,” and that applying a broad reading of that statute to Presidential obstructions of justice was constitutional.

Having established the legal framwork, Mueller spent hundreds of pages outlining each potential obstruction committed by the Mad King and exonerated him on none of them. 

In other words, Mueller and his staff were persuaded that the President's efforts to direct and nobble the investigation into Russian election interference and his later interference in the investigation of that nobbling constituted criminal obstruction of justice. 

We also know this because the other insanely corrupt Republican President of recent times, Tricky Dick Nixon, was impeached in 1974 on this charge, inter alia:

He got away with obstruction of justice, too

He misused the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Secret Service, and other executive personnel, in violation or disregard of the constitutional rights of citizens, by directing or authorizing such agencies or personnel to conduct or continue electronic surveillance or other investigations for purposes unrelated to national security, the enforcement of laws, or any other lawful function of his office; he did direct, authorize, or permit the use of information obtained thereby for purposes unrelated to national security, the enforcement of laws, or any other lawful function of his office; and he did direct the concealment of certain records made by the Federal Bureau of Investigation of electronic surveillance. 

Art. II(2).

When Republicans told him that he would be convicted of such charges, Dick fled for the territories. 

So there should have been no doubt that the true reason the Mad King fired Pam Bondi was because she did not effectively carry out the Mad King's repeated obstructions of justice.

An objective lead for a story about her firing would therefore run something like this:

Frustrated by Attorney General Pam Bondi's inability to carry out his orders to obstruct justice by prosecuting his perceived enemies, President Trump today fired her, in a sign that he is likely to intensify his criminal assault on the rule of law.

Is there anything in there that isn't based on facts?  

Here's how the Paper of Record reported these momentous events:  

President Trump fired Attorney General Pam Bondi on Thursday, removing the nation’s top law enforcement officer after privately venting his frustrations for months over her handling of the Epstein files and her failed efforts to prosecute his political enemies. 

See the difference?

In the Times account, it sounds like the firing was either based on insubordination or incompetence, with no mention of the enormity of a President directing his Attorney General to commit crimes by indicting the Mad King's political enemies out of pure spite.  Nowhere in the piece does the Times tell the reader that the Mad King's orders for the political prosecution of his opponents is a crime.

The Mad King may be immune from prosecution for such a crime, thanks to six bent Republicans on the Supreme Court, but the newly-unemployed Bondi sure isn't.

The accompanying tick-tock of her defenestration was full of juicy details about who hated whom, but likewise contained no mention of the underlying crimes. 

Two takeaways:

1. It is shocking that an obliviously demented President would order his Attorney General to commit crimes, and then fire her because she did a bad job of it.

2. It is even more shocking that 11 years into the Mad King's assault on America, our most respected media have gotten either bored with or inured to his crimes, thus normalizing them.

When a population forgets what the norms of justice and law are, the path is clear for tyranny to flourish.  We asked our old friend Lavrenti Beria if he agreed, but he was unavailable. 

The Mad King regime loves the smell of death and destruction in the morning

Dispatches from the War Fronts

 

This...is Tehran

By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur at the Pentagon with Meta-Content Generator A.J. Liebling

After four weeks, the Mad King's decision to distract us from the evidence of his child rapes by launching a pointless war against Iran is going great.

Don't just take our word for it – ask well-lubricated regime shills like “Secretary of War” Pete Hegseth:

Brash and bellicose, he sounded more like a cartoon bully than a sombre statesman. “Death and destruction from the sky all day long,” Pete Hegseth, wearing a red, white and and blue tie and pocket square, bragged to reporters at the Pentagon near Washington. “This was never meant to be a fair fight, and it is not a fair fight. We are punching them while they’re down, which is exactly how it should be.” 

His delight in death and injury was on display on other occasions, too:

We're hunting and striking death and destruction from above. Iran's air defenses, flattened. Iran's defense industrial base, the factories, the production lines that feed their missile and drone programs, being overwhelmingly destroyed. 

He really seems to like that death and destruction bit. 

Just one more Jaeger Bomb:

But we are hunting them down methodically, ruthlessly and overwhelmingly, like no other military in the world can do, and the results speak for themselves.

To date, we've struck over 7,000 targets across Iran and its military infrastructure. That is not incremental, that is overwhelming force applied with precision.

By the way, who's them?

Speaking of precision, ol' Death and Destruction didn't have much to say about his Tomahawk missiles that killed over 165 innocent Iranian schoolgirls other than to announce an investigation that will report its findings sometime after the Rapture. 

Even the normally staid New York Times noticed something about the regime's framing of its war as an orgy of destruction:

Mr. Trump’s and Mr. Hegseth’s views are reflected in the name they have given to the Iran mission. In the past, the Pentagon has chosen names that sought to send a message to the American people and the world that the military was fighting for some higher ideal, such as “Operation Enduring Freedom” in Afghanistan or “Operation Unified Protector” in Libya.

For the Iran mission, Mr. Hegseth signed off on “Epic Fury,” a name that connotes retribution and rage. 

Death and destruction from above, 1940

It's no surprise that the Mad King himself boasted that he chose the name himself. His entire life has been devoted to cruelty and sadism, from raping E. Jean Carroll in a department store to watching only the most violent portions of movies with his weirdo son Barron to boasting about beating protesters and anyone who dares to stand in his way.

But Hegseth's ranting revelry about pain and death struck a familiar note to us.  Where had we heard this before?

We asked our old friend and CBS News legend William L. Shirer.  He remembered in his Berlin Diary watching a German newsreel about the Wehrmacht's invasion of France, generally regarded as a success (unlike Pete's war):

The German commentator's enthusiasm for the destruction seemed to grow....He had a cruel, rasping voice and by the end seemed to be talking in a whirl of sadism. 'Look at the destruction,' he cried. 'This is what happens to those who oppose Germany's might!'

And is Europe soon to be ruled and dominated by such a people – by such sadism? 

W. Shirer, Berlin Diary at 384. 

Shirer, one of the creators of CBS Radio News (we'll get to that in a moment), noted that Fascism delights in inflicting cruelty against whatever they perceive to be its enemies.  Shirer associated this sadism and lack of empathy with a defect in the German character.  We know now that he was wrong about that.

Based on what we have learned since 1940, it seems that it's a defect inherent in much of humanity to be exploited by Fascist tyrants, like our Mad King, to satiate the lust of his angry followers for cruelty while distracting them from noticing that he's f****g them over and robbing them blind.

But how can you say we are living in a Fascist dictatorship when we still have a free press?

Speaking of which, pudgy Fascist fellow-traveler and billionaire fluffer Bari Weiss, installed as CBS News supremo despite the lack of any experience in journalism by the failson of a plutocratic billionaire (this is known to Republicans as “meritocracy”), announced Friday that after 100 years she was pulling the plug on CBS Radio News.

Bari doesn't need any more of his crap

This is the outfit that Shirer used to work for, alongside colleagues like Edward R. Murrow, reporting from London during the Blitz.  Men (and in those days that's what they were) like Shirer and Murrow brought home to Americans the horror of Nazism and its unrelenting wars of aggression, helping counteract Schickelgruber's propaganda and his mouthpieces like Charles Lindbergh.

But according to Bari and her paymasters, we don't need journalism like that anymore, because, um, she says so.

After all, who listens to radio except millions of people driving every day and millions more attached to their phones?

To be fair, we had already lost CBS News, along with The Washington Post.  And if Bari's mouth-breathing nepo baby boss succeeds in taking over CNN, they'll be gone too.

But don't worry – we'll be able to get our news direct from the Secretary of Peace, uh, War.  Hope you enjoy tales of death and destruction, because you'll be paying the bills for it for generations.

And that's the way it is.

The Mad King and his war against the Jews

 

By Hebraic Affairs Editor A. Cahan with Spy Detroit Bureau Chief Betty McGlown in West Bloomfield, Michigan.

It could have been so much worse.  A deranged anti-semite tried to drive a truck full of explosives into Temple Israel, one of the largest synagogues in Detroit or for that matter anywhere.  Thanks to the heroic efforts of well-trained security guards, he was foiled and eventually killed himself.  The hundred plus children on the campus were safe.

There's no doubt that these are very scary times for American Jews.  Attacks on their houses of worship, ever since the Tree of Life attack in Pittsburgh that killed 11 back in 2018, have become a part of American Jewish life.  And it's taking a toll on them, or, to be more candid, us.

According to The New York Times,

Jewish institutions now spend $765 million annually on security, according to an estimate last year by the Jewish Federations of North America. A typical Jewish organization spends 14 percent of its annual budget on security, the organization estimates.

The president and chief executive of the Jewish Federations, Eric Fingerhut, called this a “Jewish tax” in a recent speech calling for increased federal funding for security, among other measures. 

$765,000,000 is a lot of money that could otherwise go for Jewish stuff, like education, religion, or tikkun olam.  But the toll isn't just financial:

“I think the Jewish community had just about had it,” Rabbi Steven Abraham, who leads Beth El Synagogue, a Conservative congregation in Omaha, Neb., said on Thursday afternoon. “There’s a level of PTSD with the heightened awareness.” 

Is there anything that can done to help American Jews feel safer? Don't worry – we'll get to that.

First, we'll sample some of the reaction, other than generalized fear, grief, and anxiety.

The usual neocon suspects aren't wasting any time weaponizing these synagogue attacks against their usual suspects, which includes anyone, including any Jew, who doesn't buy into their neocon Likud fantasies.

David “Axis of Evil” Frum argued in The Atlantic (natch) that the Michigan attack shows that antisemitic violence has now become “mainstream,” whatever that means.  And therefore of course all sentient Jews owe Bibi Netanyahu their blind support, no many how many civilian lives he destroys for no adequate reason.

The idea that American Jews are floating in a leaky lifeboat in a vast and unfathomable sea of antisemitism is central to their fantasy.  Unfortunately for ol' Axis of Evil, it turns out that the terrorist responsible for the Michigan attack was not just another mainstream antisemite.  

Rather he had a very specific grudge.  His brothers and the brother's children had just been killed in a no-doubt very discriminating attack on supposed Hezbollah positions in Southern Lebanon.  The brothers may have in fact been members of Hezbollah.  No word on the sympathies of his kids. 

Now the Israeli bombing doesn't justify antisemitic violence against synagogues.  But the particular grudge this perpetrator had suggests that antisemitism is not some vast ineffable phenomenon.  This terrorist had a very particular motive and grudge.  There's no reasonable basis to connect his deranged reaction to his loss to every or indeed any Muslim or ethnic minority in the United States or to cite it as an example of how antisemitic violence has become the norm.

Unfortunately that doesn't mean that American Jews can ignore the possibility of violent attacks on their houses of worship.

These kind of threats seem like something that the U.S. Department of Homeland Security should be concerned about and willing to assist Jewish organizations in preparing for.

Not in the Mad King's America.

Synagogues seeking grants to protect Jews from antisemitic terror from the DHS have been told that DHS will provide the money only if the synagogue's members betray every Jewish value and embrace the Mad King's bigotry, hatred, and racism:

Beginning in 2025, the Department of Homeland Security attached sweeping ideological conditions to new security grants. Recipients of new awards must cooperate with Immigration and Customs Enforcement operations, and must also agree not to “operate any programs that advance or promote DEI, DEIA, or discriminatory equity ideology.” They additionally must not run any aid program which “benefits illegal immigrants or incentivizes illegal immigration.”

When asked to clarify what those conditions mean in practice — whether a synagogue that declares itself a sanctuary for refugees would be disqualified, or whether a congregation offering programming for Jews of color or LGBTQ+ Jews would run afoul of the anti-DEI clause — the federal government’s answer has been months of contradictory guidance and confusion. 

As a result synagogues are having to tax their own members so they don't betray fundamental Jewish values:  

 Closer to home:

 

$200,000 is real money, even for a large temple in affluent Newton, Mass.  But if DHS is going to condition protecting Jews from terror on surrendering Jewish values, what choice did it have?

The imposition of this Sophie's Choice on synagogues by the hateful demented Mad King regime and its stooges (who until last week were spending DHS money, not on protecting Jews, but on Mile-High Club membership drives on government jets with private bedrooms) deserves condemnation from everyone.

We'll let you know whether the reactionary gasbags who inveigh against antisemitism as a way to smear anyone who doesn't agree with their Likud values like Frum, Bretbug, or even apostate Jew St. David Brooks, speak out against this evil.

In the meantime, we'll be preparing for Passover when Jews sit around a big table, eat inedible crap like ground up fish in aspic, and read from one of their well-known texts, the Haggadah, CCAR ed. at 56:

When a stranger resides with you in your land,you shall not wrong him....You shall love him as yourself for you were strangers in the Lad of Egypt.

Because American Jews hold fast to these timeless truths, the Mad King's regime is putting them in mortal jeopardy.

If you're looking for examples of antisemitism to condemn, you could start there, Bretbug.

Your Republican government inaction [Surely, in action? - Ed.]

  Dispatches from the War Fronts

 

By State Department Correspondent Varian Fry with Spy Archivist Aula Minerva

WASHINGTON, DC. - Hundreds of thousands of Americans remain trapped in Middle East war zones such as the Gulf States and Israel unable to return home. In response to their plight, the State Department has – warned them to get the hell out of Dodge, but provided no useful assistance to rescue them:

 

 

How did we get here, and those hapless souls get marooned there?

As usual, the answer boils down to one word: Republicans.

To understand why, we have to do what Republicans hate: learn some history.

One might think that we would all agree that the State Department, charged with protecting Americans overseas, would do something to help.

But that kind of thinking is just an example of what Republicans have told us for over 40 years is a fallacy.

St. Ronald of Bitburg was venerated for incessantly proclaiming 

As terrifying as “Good luck, buddy, you're on your own?”

The lie that government can't, won't, and shouldn't help Americans who need such help was regarded by generations of Republicans as a foundational pearl of wisdom.  E.J. Dionne wrote years ago that contempt for government and what it does has animated Republicans ever since.

Then we get to January 20, 2025, when, to the amazement of future generations of historians, if there are any, Americans entrusted their government to a corrupt demented insurrectionist.

In turn, that depraved drug-addled lout turned over management of the government to an equally depraved and crazy drug-addled Nazi-saluting plutocrat.

Remember what happened next?

Ketamine Leon turned loose his untrained unschooled incels across the government, destroying entire agencies, like USAID, in violation of law, and decimating staff in many of them, including – the State Department, which has lost at least 20% of its career staff. 

They were replaced by unqualified, inept, and compromised real-estate finaglers, with predictable results, according to Columbia Professor Elizabeth Saunders: 

The carnage at the State Department, leaving aside USAID and the hundreds of thousands who died due to the illegal cut off of USAID assistance, was terrible.  At least 1,300 civil and foreign service employees were chucked out.  Another 1,700 experienced professionals, seeing Ketamine Leon's fork coming for their jugular veins, took the DOGE buyout offer.

The layoffs included 100 employees in Consular Affairs, the office charged with serving Americans overseas, 84 in Administration, and 89 in the staff Secretariat, which mobilizes, staffs, and manages crisis response. 

So when the Mad King let loose the dogs of war, trapping at least 500,000 Americans in the sights of Iranian missiles and drones, the consequences, according to Popular Information, were as expected:  

Due to the intensity of combat in the Middle East, other countries not directly involved in the conflict quickly began evacuating their citizens from the region. The Italian government has facilitated the evacuation of 2,500 Italians on commercial flights. The Czech Republic sent multiple flights to evacuate people stranded in the area. Several other countries, including the United Kingdom, France, and Greece, had organized flights scheduled for Wednesday, Reuters reported.

“It says, ‘You're on your own!’ ”

Americans in the area are in danger of being targeted, but the State Department did not advise citizens to leave the region before the strikes began.

Before the 2003 Iraq War, in contrast, the State Department advised citizens to prepare to evacuate weeks in advance and ordered a final evacuation days before fighting began.

This year, Americans in 14 countries were not advised to evacuate until three days after the Trump administration began major combat operations in Iran. By that time, much of the region’s airspace and most airports had closed.

According to the BBC, between “500,000 and one million US nationals are estimated to be living in the Middle East.”

The State Department told Americans to use “available commercial transportation“ to evacuate. On Tuesday, when Americans called a phone number publicized by the State Department, they received an automated message: “Please do not rely on the U.S. government for assisted departure or evacuation. At this time, there are currently no United States evacuation points.”...

An American businessman who has been stranded in the UAE told NOTUS that when he reached a live operator, he was told to sign up online for State Department security alerts but was not offered any other help. Several news outlets spoke to stranded Americans who described feeling “trapped” and “helpless.”...

Meanwhile, U.S. embassies throughout the Middle East announced that they were shutting down or unable to help stranded Americans. On Tuesday, the U.S. embassy in Jerusalem posted on X that it was not able “at this time to evacuate or directly assist Americans in departing Israel.” The embassy noted that Americans in Israel may be able to take ground transportation to Egypt and depart from Cairo’s airport, where flights have not been interrupted. However, the embassy’s post said that “the U.S. government cannot guarantee your safety” if Americans took this option.

Similarly, the U.S. embassy in Qatar told Americans they “should not rely on the US government for assisted departure or evacuation” and should “take advantage of commercial transportation options.” Other U.S. embassies, including those in Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and Lebanon, told Americans they could not offer assistance. Some also closed and cancelled appointments....

When asked on Tuesday why there was no evacuation plan for Americans in the area, President Trump argued that it was “because it happened all very quickly,” adding, “I thought we were going to have a situation where we were gonna be attacked.”

....Senator Chris Coons (D-DE) called on Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and Secretary of State Marco Rubio to “promptly appear before Congress and explain to the American people how they so poorly planned for the protection and evacuation of Americans.” When asked by Roll Call about the lack of Marines trained in evacuations in the armada around Iran, Republican Senator Roger Wicker (R-MS) said, “We may be asking about that soon.”  

Take your time, Roger.  No rush.

State Department Ops Center, post-DOGE

Of course the Mad King's mouthpieces denied that the insane DOGE-inspired cuts crippled the rescue effort, claiming that no overseas positions have been cut.  But the organization of a mass evacuation happens in the Operations Center in Main State, where teams of experienced professionals, who've been through the drill before, coordinate across the government the procurement, dispatch, and protection of evacuation flights, as well as sending individual implementation plans to each post.  

That didn't happen, in part because those people are gone and in part because the Mad King's insane decision-making process, which basically involves him watching Fox News and then deciding it's time to stage a spectacle of cruelty and destruction, short-circuits the former institutions like the National Security Council, who are there to make sure that obvious sequelae of war, like taking care of half a million Americans in harm's way, are considered and addressed. 

By gutting the NSC and putting the same thirsty coat-holder who serves as Secretary of State in charge of it, the Mad King has ensured that effective planning and governance cannot occur.

St. Ronald of Bitburg, who reveled in his destruction of America's air traffic control system on his watch, would have been so proud now that Republicans have instituted a government whose functionaries can proudly state, “I'm from the government and I'm here to shag my staff on taxpayer-funded airplanes.”

Victory in Iran War: Epstein News Obliterated

 Dispatches from the War Fronts

IT IS WAR!

MAD KING ORDERS BOMBS AWAY! 

HUGE SUCCESS: ALL EPSTEIN COVERAGE OBLITERATED!

HUNDREDS OF BAD ECONOMIC AND TARIFF STORIES WIPED OUT! 

By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur with
Florida Correspondent Jenny Herk

PALM BEACH, Florida – From his command post overlooking the omelette bar at Merde-a-Lardo, the Mad King today ordered massive airstrikes on anything he could blow up in Iran, in coordination with his fellow despot, Melech for Life Bibi “I funded Hamas” Netanyahu.

Sources close to the club's top-secret massage rooms told the Spy that the results of the lethal attacks on Iran and its innocent population have already exceeded the Mad King's expectations.

Coverage successfully obliterated

“Through his bold long-fingered leadership, the greatest President in the history of the world has totally wiped out all Epstein coverage from America's media,” said highly reliable and not at all drug-addled Steve Bannon.

“Just yesterday the President was being attacked on all cable networks by unfavorable coverage of his ongoing cover-up of his sex crimes against children.  Now, that's been destroyed,” he said.

Other sources note that the Mad King was especially concerned about media attacks focusing on the Department of Justice's attempted cover up of FBI interviews with victims of his grotesque sexual assaults.  “We couldn't let this go on,” they told the Spy on condition that we would not reveal the identity of speaker Karoline Levitt. 

In addition to the utter obliteration of Epstein coverage, the Mad King's minions noted that the unprovoked attacks on Iran have also wiped out many other media targets, including the murder of a disabled Burmese refugee left to die in the cold in upstate New York, the confusion and inflation caused by the Mad King's illegal tariffs, his continued corruption and bribe-taking, and his increasingly demented utterances.

“Thanks to our magnificent military, all of these media targets have been taken out and no longer threaten the Mad King's Golden Age,” boasted clean and sober War Secretary Pete Hegseth in another highly-secure Signal chat (password: 12345).  He ordered a celebratory round of Jaeger Bombs for all involved in the operation.

The mood in Israel was almost as ebullient, at least among the toadies and hatemongers in the court of Melech Bibi Netanyahu, if not among the population cowering in shelters, reports Hebraic Affairs Editor A. Cahan in Tel Aviv.

“Our Air Force has wiped out all media coverage of our brutal and pointless occupation in Gaza, as well as the wave of terrorist violence unleashed by extremist settlers against the rightful inhabitants of the West Bank,” said one member of the War Cabinet.

“And any inquiry into Netanyahu's disastrous policy of financing Hamas prior to the October 7 terror attacks has been blasted into smithereens.  Happy Purim!” the source added, swinging his gregor.  

Coverage of Kristi Noem's party plane wiped out!

Back in Washington, preliminary battlefield assessments suggested that once again the Mad King had succeeded in emasculating Congress, the only branch of government with the Constitutional power to declare war.  At the first sound of falling bombs, faithful Mad King taint polishers like confirmed bachelor Lindsay Graham and adoptive father of the year Mike Johnson surrendered to the Mad King's whims.

While there remained isolated pockets of resistance among a few die-hard Democrats, the Mad King's high command, after extensive analysis of the top-secret intelligence contained in their Twitter feed, remained confident that any opposition will be soon mopped up by calls for bipartisan cooperation and turncoat goons like Sen. Jon Fetterman.

Although Iran retains some ability to retaliate against U.S. military installations in the Middle East, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi the Puppy Killer Noem downplayed the possibility of any Iranian attack on the United States.  “One minute after they launch a missile, it'll be over, based on my experience,” she explained before retiring to her flying love shack for an “important briefing” from her personal Staff [Surely, Chief of Staff? – Ed.] Corey Lewandowski.

Western Civilization and the Discontented Pundit

By Meta-Content Generator A.J. Liebling with Yard Correspondent Larry Lowell in Cambridge and Alison Porchnik on Morningside Heights

If you think that the real crisis in America was that democracy was under attack, that must be because you’re not reading the pearls of wisdom nested inside the hard shells of deep thinkers like New York Times columnist Bret “Bretbug” Stephens and former Times columnist David “My Dinner With Jeffy” Brooks.

According to these savants, all of our problems can be traced back to a single cause: the supposed assault on Western Civilization by a non-Western elite which has supposedly banned the teaching of great chestnuts of that civilization in elite universities.

Bretbug: Why aren't they reading Plato?

Here’s Brooks, taking a break from whining about the high price of Scotch at Newark Airport:

Many educators decided that because Western powers spawned colonialism — and they did — students in the West should learn nothing about the lineage of their civilization and should thereby be rendered cultural orphans

Name three educators who decided that. Three is a good number because it equaled the number of drinks Jeffrey Epstein’s boon dinner companion sucked down before decrying the death of the liberal social order at the Newark Airport Food Court.

Not to be outdone, here’s Likud spokesman Bretbug beating the same drum (probably a timpani to avoid any pollution by bongos or African percussion instruments):

What, exactly, is Western civilization? Americans younger than 50 might be excused for hardly knowing. A 2011 report from the National Association of Scholars found that not one of America’s top colleges and universities had a required survey course in Western civ and only 32 percent even offered it as an elective. In 1964, 80 percent of these institutions had some form of introduction to Western civ. What many universities do offer...is what amounts to an education in anti-Western civ: the examination of all the ways in which Western civilization is, purportedly, an extended act of imperialism and colonialism, human exploitation and environmental despoliation, misogyny and white supremacy and phobias of every kind.

As for his smears about “Anti-Western civ,” Bretbug, like his illustrious ignorant reactionary forebear Col. Robert McCormick, “cited no authority, being it.” 

If only she had been taught Aquinas, mourns Brooks

At the risk of polluting this elevated debate with dreary facts, let’s take a look at what actual universities are actually offering their students. (We’ll let you decide for yourself whether historical facts justify a critique of Western countries due to tiny flaws like slavery, genocide, mass warfare, oppression of women and minorities, environmental catastrophe, and giving reactionary gasbags like Bretbug a no-heavy-lifting sinecure as a New York Times columnist). 

Not far from here there’s a well-known university that offers a lot of courses on Western Civilization to their undergraduates, even if most of them involve sitting in the second balcony of Sanders Theater listening to some tenured gasbag bloviate.

Here’s one:

A course called “Justice: Ethical Reasoning in Polarized Times”, featuring readings from “Aristotle, Kant, John Stuart Mill, and John Rawls,” all of whom sound pretty Western to us.

Or how about:

The Ancient Greek Hero, based on translated versions of ancient Greek classics. That’s as Western as Gunsmoke.

And if you really want to learn how we got so wrapped up in the distinction between Western Civilization and other stuff, try

The Crusades and the Making of East and West.

We’ll recommend that one to Bretbug specifically.

And these are plucked just from Harvard’s General Education offerings (the survey courses that Bretbug holds so dear).

The only civilization worth fighting for, says Bretbug

There’s more stuff in the departments for those interested in Western Civilization from Plato to Netanyahu:

The Department of Classics offers a mere 31 courses this spring, although we’ll leave to greater minds like David Brooks whether the study of Hittite counts as Western Civilization.

The Department of Government, home to generations of reactionary white men bemoaning the supposed assault on Western Civilization, offers 57 undergraduate courses this spring, of which 10 are focused on non-Western states, as might be expected given that the Department, even in the halcyon days before wokeness ruled, regarded Comparative Government and International Relations as part of its remit.

Over in the History Department eager young minds can partake in 29 courses on various aspects of Western Civilization, including, for this purpose, the Holocaust,which last we looked did not occur either in Asia or Africa. 

Columbia, now accused of all sorts of dastardly crimes against thought, has in fact pioneered just the kind of mandatory survey course that gets Bretbug hot.  All Columbia undergrads must take a year long course called Contemporary Civilization.  Here's the fall reading list (instructors choose from this list; if you tried to read everything on it in one semester you'd throw yourself in front of the 1 train):

The only highlight of Western Civilization Columbia omitted is the Colonel's 20-piece bucket.

Just for s***s and giggles, let's take a look at what is offered by the alma mater of David “Jeffrey, you're a genius” Brooks, the University of Chicago:

They too have a core curriculum requiring courses in civilization. 

Shockingly however, their offerings include not only courses on Western Civilization but also the civilizations of cat and dog eaters and even some that dare to examine all civilizations, not just the one that gave us Bretbug and the Likud.  But no one ever accused the University of Chicago of any pretensions to intellectual rigor, so we'll have to cut Dave's school some slack. 

We could go on to obscure rural schools like Dartmouth, but the drift seems pretty clear: there’s plenty of attention paid to courses in Western Civilization in American higher education.  Any claim to the contrary is simply falsified. 

If their argument is just crap, what's the point of harping on it?

Many reasons.

First, it's an effort to shift blame for the corrupt white racist misogynist Mad King regime, which continues to be supported by unanimous Republican support and most powerful plutocrats, from white racists and plutocrats to these pundit's liberal adversaries.  David “ Pass the Lafite, Jeffrey” Brooks actually claims that the Mad King's reign can be explained by the false narrative that Western Civilization is no longer being taught to  eager young minds prepping for Rush Week at 'Bama.

Related to that argument is their prescription: not curbing the power of plutocracy and fostering a climate of tolerance and inclusion, but sending us back to church and Western Civ classes until in some distant era these problems magically vanish.  It sounds astonishingly vacuous, but this is an accurate summary of Brooks's, um, thought.

You can learn so much from the ancient Greeks!

Note that a key feature of these pundits' lament about the supposed decline of Western Civilization is the mockery of those who point out its modest shortcomings, like slavery, exploitation, genocide, and mass warfare.  Bretbug might regard these defects as trivial compared to the magnificent achievements of Western Civilization including the endless pasta buffet at Olive Garden or cars that autonomously trap and kill their passengers, but the rest of us don't have to.

The Bretbugs of the world are in fact terrified about rigorous inquiry into the, shall we say, imperfections of our current culture because an honest reckoning with them might lead to discussions of appropriate remedies, like the triple horrors of diversity, equality, and inclusion.  You can't understand DEI without knowing what makes it necessary, and the last thing that Bretbug and Brooks wants is for college students, or anyone else, to understand that reality. 

Worst of all, it's the faculty lounge version of white supremacy, which sounds so much better in well-crafted if empty sentences on the Times Op-Ed page than in the mainstream Republican version as articulated by defenders of Western Civilization like Marco Rubio, Nick Fuentes and Rupert Murdoch's parade of racist sock puppets.

Now we have nothing against Western Civilization. We think more students should read Plato. And if they read the Symposium, they’ll learn one vital truth about the founder of Western philosophy that Republican bigots may prefer you didn't know: he was gay af.

Dispatches from the War Fronts: V-ICE Day!

  Dispatches from the War Fronts

V-ICE DAY!

UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER! 

Mad King's troops withdraw in disgrace!

MINNESOTA CELEBRATES VICTORY; STARTS REBUILDING  

By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur with
Minnesota Bureau Chief Murray Slaughter 

MINNEAPOLIS – Mad King Occupation Army Commander-in-Chief Tom Homan unconditionally surrendered to Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz Thursday at 12 midnight, Minnesota War Time.

The Mad King's rabble surrendered in droves

Gov. Walz announced that he had accepted Homan's unconditional surrender and the bag of cash Homan tendered to him.  In accordance with the Midwest customs of war, Gov. Walz returned the bag to Homan, who retreated to the Mad King's Mar-a-Lago headquarters in disgrace.

News of the unconditional surrender was greeted with cautious optimism by the long-suffering residents of the Twin Cities.  At first, the terrorized populace remained in their homes, still fearing attacks by the undisciplined rabble that constituted the Mad King's Army of Occupation.  

As word of the surrender sunk in, the people cautiously emerged, blowing their whistles no longer in warning, but in triumph.

The normally-impassive Minnesotans took the streets proclaiming, “Hey, this is pretty good” and bringing out their victory hot pots brimming with kielbasa and melted Velveeta.

The surrender followed months of violent attacks on the defenseless people of the Twin Cities, including the killings of two innocents whose only crime was to nonviolently express their displeasure with the cruel occupation army.

And hundreds of Minnesotans, including many small children kidnapped on their way home from school, remain trapped in the Mad King's gulags located in the wastelands of faraway Texans.

The sneak attack had come without warning or justification.  Later, in a futile effort to manufacture a rationale for their naked aggression, the Mad King's flacks and commanders claimed that the war was made necessary by ongoing fraud investigations, which had been successfully prosecuted for years without war crimes.  Some of the Mad King's apparatchiks like Attorney General and Mean Girl Pam Bobndi had even suggested ending the war in exchange for Minnesota surrendering their voting lists.

At first the Mad King's undisciplined heavily armed hordes achieved success with their surprise attacks on Minnesotans taking their kids to school or simply driving around trying to carry with their lives.

Having alienated the population with their policy of relentless cruelty and war crimes, the locals responded with a well-organized guerilla war featuring whistles, video cameras, and law suits.

Military commentators noted that the opposition forces wisely avoided rioting and the use of force, thereby making it impossible for the Mad King to invoked martial law and thereby justify wholesale slaughter of the population.

Others commented that the Mad King's ill-trained ill-led ill-clothed forces never had a chance against the united opposition of millions of people.  “What a pitiful effort this was to destroy a great city!” one commented.

Another noted that the Mad King's hope to lure the citizens into joining their violent assaults against immigrants were doomed from the start.  “This isn't Texas.  You can't expect the residents to join a lynching,” they said on background.

ICE was no match for General Winter

Many commentators observed that perhaps the strongest ally the people had was “General Winter.”  “These untrained clowns didn't have proper winter equipment or training.  That's why they were always falling on their asses on the ice and unable to withstand the people opposing them in the freezing streets,” noted one military expert.

But even in victory Minnesotans assessed the damage and the lives that were ruined or lost.  Thousands of noncitizens were marched into captivity and their homes destroyed by the Mad King's looters.

“It will take years to recover from this war,” Gov. Walz told his state.  “But we will rebuild better than before.”

The brutal war has left Minnesotans with bitter memories of the collaborators in their midst.  A number of prominent politicians surprisingly collaborated with the Mad King's occupying forces or at the very least refused to support the brave resistance forces.

These collaborators included many of the state's largest corporations and one of its Senators, Amy “Hot Mess” Klobuchar, who urged Minnesotans to engage in “bipartisan cooperation” with the forces that were killing civilians and kidnapping children on the way home from school.

Is this Amy Klobuchar's fate?

Klobuchar, considered a wily politician, is now planning to run for Governor.  To do so, she will need to defuse the anger over her lack of support for the resistance in its darkest hours.  Historians noted that she is attempting the kind of political reinvention pioneered by French and German collaborators after the Second World War.

The murders and other atrocities committed by the Mad King's forsaken army have led to calls for war crime tribunals.  However, most believe that as long as the Mad King rules, there will be no justice for the fallen.  “We'll be lucky to get our kidnapped children back,” one resistance leader said.

Some Minnesotans have cautioned that the danger is not over.  They note that despite the surrender, the Mad King has thousands of violent stormtroopers at his command, and could always mount a second invasion.

Such a decision would raise further concerns about the Mad King's sanity.  But as he sulks in his Mar-a-Lago bunker surrounded by his toadies and fanatics, one thing is clear: as long as the Mad King remains in power, no one in America is safe.

Or for that matter anywhere else.