Saturday, September 22, 2018

SPONSORED CONTENT - The October issue of The NY Review of Brutes, on newsstands now!

Also in the issue: stirring indictments of injustice in Myanmar, Puerto Rico, South Sudan, and the Uighur region of China.

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Sunday, September 16, 2018

Local News: 20-term incumbent state rep replaced by some girl

Editors' Note: As long-time Spy readers know, the Spy prides itself not only on its comprehensive national and international news coverage.  It's also the paper of record for Old Sludgebury, Mass. and the Sludge River Valley, a typical New England mill town still recovering from the closure of its asbestos mills in 1957.  Topping today's local headlines: a shocking upset in the recent primaries.

Local News:


By Hacky Carp
Local Politics Editor

The career of 20-term incumbent state Representative Whiff “the Stiff” O'Bribe came to a shocking and unexpected end Primary Night, when he lost his re-election bid in a landslide primary loss to some girl no one ever heard of, Ania Mossadegh, M.D., Ph.D.

Rep. O'Bribe had expected to coast to victory and in fact had not bothered to leave his yacht, anchored off Hyannis, to so much as set foot in his district, which he had represented since 1978.  In a brief speech at his Election Night party at Burke's Pub, owned by his brother-in-law and longtime Old Sludgebury mayor James X. Burke, O'Bribe sounded bitter.
The long-serving rep was stunned by his upset loss
to what his supporters referred to as “some brown girl”

“I've worked my ass off for the people of Old Sludgebury, whether they were cops, firemen, parishioners at St. Pederast's, or just regular guys and this is the thanks I get?”

Sources close to Rep. O'Bribe say that he never took the primary challenge from political newcomer Mossadegh seriously, even though the the percentage of voters who identified themselves as Irish alcoholics had declined from 80% in 1980 to 14% today.

At a raucous victory rally held at her family's popular Middle Eastern restaurant on Asbestos Avenue, Dr. Mossadegh attributed her victory to hard work and perseverance.  “Where else but in America could a young Iranian girl come to America with her parents, study hard, go to college, and become a doctor and now your nominee for state representative?” Dr. Mossadegh said, flanked by her husband, her beaming parents, and her three small children.

Dr. Mossadegh, Chief of Pediatrics at Mass. General – Sludge Valley Medical Center, had apparently become well-known in the community due to her work at local health clinics and for persuading Mass. General to take over the failing local hospital and turn it into an outpost of the most admired hospital in America.

She had campaigned on local issues such as the need to repair the bridges over the Sludge River, which in a recent engineering study had been ranked “You Are Going to Die.”  She also called for investments in public schools and job training in an effort to jump-start the local economy and attract new business to the long-shuttered asbestos factories.

“I will fight for economic development for this region on Beacon Hill, and I won't be satisfied with a few no-show jobs for my relatives, ” Dr. Mossadegh had promised.

Local pundits now wonder if O'Bribe's scorched-earth campaign tactics, suggested by his campaign manager Roger Stone, may have backfired.  O'Bribe repeatedly chastised his opponent as an “alien threat to our way of life in Old Sludgebury and probably a Lesbian to boot.”

The turning point in the campaign, observers speculate, occurred during their only debate, when O'Bribe accused Dr. Mossadegh of being “just another foreign terrorist like her fellow countryman Saddam Hussein.”

Dr. Mossedegh responded that Saddam Hussein had been Iraqi, while she was of Iranian descent.

O'Bribe's response – “I don't give a f*** what kind of raghead you are.  Now get me another 'Gansett like a good girl” – was widely regarded as a tactical mistake that alienated many women voters.

The insurgent campaigned on the need to repair local infrastructure
On a deeper level, the defeat of Rep. O'Bribe represents the passing of an older style politics.  O'Bribe had emphasized constituent service, always offering to pick up a voter's dry cleaning in Boston and bring it back to town with him.  He also boasted that he had arranged over 1,600 disability pensions for his constituents over the last 40 years of the local “sore back” epidemic.

Rep. O'Bribe blamed his defeat on “a bunch of welfare-chiseling illegal immigrants who don't know the meaning of hard work.”  By contrast, O'Bribe said he had risen the old-fashioned American way: by inheriting his seat from his father, Whiff O'Bribe Sr., after the elder O'Bribe had decided to take a seven- to ten-year vacation in Allenwood, Penn.

The defeated legislator said that he intended to retire from public service on a state pension.  Taking into the consideration the extra $35,000 he earned every year as Chairman of the House Committee on Bills the Speaker Wants to Bury Forever, he expects to pocket a cool $115,000 a year for the rest of his life.  Ever gracious in defeat, O'Bribe said, “I hope the savages choke on it.”

Friday, September 7, 2018

News from Zontar: President acts to stop aggression and save lives

Editors' Note: Every so often the Spy Deep Space Desk receives a dispatch from the planet Zontar, millions of light years away in the Remulac galaxy.  Although the doings of these strange aliens are almost incomprehensible to us Earthlings, we sometimes share them with our readers to give them an idea of the vast, inexplicable variety of life in our universe, no matter how bizarre it may seem to us – [They get the setup already – Ed.]

By Wireless to The New Zork Times

President Hillary Rodhamz Clinton today increased the pressure on the bloodthirsty regime of Zyrian President Bashar Azzad by establishing a no-fly zone over Idlibz Province, where millions of refugees are threatened with attack and death at the hands of Zyrian forces backed by the immense power of their Ruzzian and Irazian allies.

President Clinton told the Washington press corps today that she would not tolerate any further loss of life in Zyria, notwithstanding the failure of previous Administrations to protect civilians in Aleppoz and Damazcus.  “I have established a no-fly zone to protect innocent civilians in Idlibz from merciless air assault and gas attacks.  Any Zyrian aircraft entering the zone will be shot down by US naval and air forces,” she said.

Secretary of Defense Jez Johnson later clarified that the no-fly zone would apply strictly only to Zyrian air forces. However, he warned that any aircraft conducting bombing operations in Idlibz was “subject to interception.”

Although the new U.S. policy raises the specter of armed conflict with Ruzzian armed forces operating in Zyria, President Clinton was said to believe that Ruzzian President Vladimirz Putin was unlikely to trigger a confrontation with U.S. military forces.  Informed sources at the National Zecurity Council speculate that Russia may choose to bombard the helpless men, women, and children of Idlibz with ground- and sea-based weaponry to avoid U.S. military action.

Sources close to National Zecurity Adviser Juliette Kayyemz have let it be known that any Ruzzian bombardment of Idlibz will be matched strike-for-strike by U.S. ship- and airborne salvos directed at Azzad Regime strongholds in Damazcus and other Zyrian cities.

Apparently alarmed by the surprisingly resolute response, Ruzzian Foreign Ministry Andrei Lavrovz, has called for immediate four-party negotiations including Turkeyz and Iraz.  President Clinton is said to be receptive to this approach as long as a cease-fire is maintained in Idlibz.

“Four-party negotiations would appear to be the best approach to defusing this crisis,” said former U.S. Secretary of State John Kezzy.  “It is inconceivable to imagine any substantive progress anywhere in the Middle Eazt unless the US is at the table.  I literally cannot imagine how meaningful talks could be held without US participation.”

President Clinton is determined to protect innocent 
Zyrians from another catastrophe, while her former 
opponent scouts locations for his proposed 
golf development
The European nations have wholeheartedly supported President Clinton's tough approach.  “In the absence of firm, resolute US leadership, the Middle Eazt would explode and the Western Alliance would collapse,” German Zancellor Angela Merkelz told US Secretary of State Wendy Zherman, who was dispatched to European capitals to build support for the US strategy.

In response, Secretary Zherman said, “I appreciate the strong support of our Allies in bringing peace and democracy in the Middle East.  We can never have a world in which our European allies lose confidence in US foreign policy.”

Reaction in the U.S. predictably broke down on partisan lines.  “This is just another effort to position President Clinton for re-election,” said Texas Senator John Zornyn, who is believed to entertain ambitions of running for President himself.  His most likely opponent for the Republican nomination, Zox TV gasbag Zon Hannity, has called the President's policy “criminal” and “insane.”

Although reports from Idlibz suggest that the population was relieved to hear of the no-fly zone, a permanent solution to the endless carnage in Zyria still seems to be a long way off and a great deal could still go wrong.

In anticipation of increasing tensions, Secretary Zherman has called on all U.S. citizens not involved in vital humanitarian work to leave Zyria at once.  The most prominent American believed to be in Zyria is the man President Clinton defeated in 2016, near-bankrupt tangerine-faced grifter Donald Z. Trump, who has yet to concede the election.

Trump is in Damazcus trying to secure a deal to build a golf course in the ruins of Aleppoz with funds from oligarchs linked to Ruzzian President Putin.  “Now that all these s***hole buildings have been knocked down, we can build the most beautiful golf course in Zyria with your money,” he told a small audience of mysterious Ruzzian bagmen and Azzad regime toadies.  “To celebrate, let's grab some pussy and get this party started!”

Monday, September 3, 2018

SPONSORED CONTENT -- It's the Spy's Festival of Ideas, Culture and White Supremacy!

Join a glittering array of 
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Ann Coulter interviews Steve Bannon; James Woods and Mike Huckabee discuss “The Search for Humor in Politics”; Tucker Carlson interviews Roy Moore; Bill Kristol, Henry Kissinger, and David Frum discuss War Crimes I Have Committed or Justified; Bibi Netanyahu on The Rodrigo Duterte I Know and Love; Chuck Woolery interviews Stephen Miller; Dana Loesch on Fashion and Semi-Automatic Weapons; Maureen Dowd interviews her brother “Kevin”; Katrina Pierson and Dinesh D'Souza on “Shoplifting History”; Lindsay Graham interviews Vladimir Putin (very gently); Louis CK whips out Les Moonves; Jared Kushner and David Remnick on the responsibilities of press moguls; Bill O'Reilly interviews Gen. John Kelly on free speech and locking up babies; and so much more!

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