Dispatches from the War Fronts
Editors' Note: For many years one of the Spy's most well-loved or at least tolerated features was its war correspondence. For most of this century, America has been either engaged in or preparing for pointless bloody war. Sometimes both. And the Spy was there:
Unfortunately, that wet blanket Joe Biden ended all the fun by getting out of Afghanistan and failing to replace it with something equally otiose like attacking Iran.
But thanks to the wisdom of 49.87% of the voting American electorate, we're back in business. This time, the warmongers are pointing us away from distant desert sands and much closer to home. Today, we'll look at one of the fronts of our next glorious defense of freedom!
By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur with Canadian Correspondent
Ramona Flowers reporting from Canada's capitol, Toronto. [That's not Canada's capitol, you nitwit – Ed.]
Never one to let legal niceties like not being in office yet to hold him back, President to be for Life Donald J. Trump has already moved boldly to make America great again by realizing its long-held dream of conquering, wait for it, Canada:
This thrilling image of our 47th and last President standing at the Canada-Switzerland border looking out at the Matterhorn has naturally led to speculation that, ever laser-focused on average working class Americans, Trump wants to give them plenty of lebensraum, albeit on the cold side.
The speculation was also fueled by reporting of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau's groveling journey to America's capitol, Mar-a-Lago, to beseech the Orange Rapist for relief from Trump's threatened 25% tariffs on all Canadian exports to the US, including oil and lumber.
Was Trudeau really worried about tariffs or was he just seizing on any excuse to escape the bitter December in Canada's capitol, Canada City? [That's not Canada's capitol, either – R.F.]
We may never know. What we do know is that, in response to all this begging, various media sources reported:
Donald Trump reportedly suggested to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau that if he didn’t like the tariff the president-elect threatened to impose, perhaps Canada could become the 51st state and Trudeau could serve as its governor. Trudeau laughed nervously at the apparent joke....
Has Donald Trump ever elocuted a joke in his life? Of course not. He makes threats, he dishes out insults, he boasts, he lies, and he leers. But a joke? Not so, Pete Hegseth breath.
We think he means it.
The question is why. I mean, as countries go it's perfectly nice.
It's right there. It has oil and white people, two things the Tangerine-Faced Racist likes. And as every high school senior in Boston knows, the drinking age is 18. Road trip!
And on the dollar-store Mercator map the TFR stares it at Mar-a-Lago, it looks huuuuuge! He may also be able to discern that Canada has a long coastline. Lots of them. He probably thinks that there will be plenty of prime oceanfront property on which he can build one of his crapcan golf course resorts with Saudi money.
Imagine the size of the resort he could build on say Baffin Island. He may not be aware that a lot of that coastline has a few disadvantages that limit its value as a resort venue:
That's not ideal golf weather. When it's that cold, the ball sticks to the tundra, making it impossible for him to cheat by kicking it back to the green.
He also might want to think what would happen to his narrow House and Senate majorities even if Canada joins as a single state (it's about as populous as California). Those two Senate and 50 House seats aren't likely to go Republican.
The Tangerine-Faced Fascist may think he can bring Canada to its snowshoes merely by strangling its economy. He better hope he's right because an invasion might not turn out exactly as he hoped.
Fun fact: we've tried conquering Canada by force of arms. It didn't go great. Fortunately, thanks to our extensive archives we can bring you our reporting from November 1813:
AMERICAN FORCES STOPPED SHORT OF MONTREAL
🦅 🦅 🦅 🦅 🦅 🦅 🦅 🦅 🦅 🦅
Courage of Troops Not Matched by Quality of Generalship
By Our Special Correspondent
Via Post Express from Ft. Ticonderoga
Although the situation remains sadly clouded by uncertainty, reports reaching Ft. Ticonderoga suggest that the American forces failed to break through the Canadian defenders at Châteauguay, southwest of Montreal and short of the goal of the St. Lawrence River.
The American forces, under the command of a Southerner named Wade Hampton, whose family we can safely predict is destined for no great place in our nation's military history, attempted to ford the Châteauguay River on 26th Oct. last.
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| Gen'l Hampton squandered his splendid troops |
The river crossing was made without serious opposition. But the wily Canadians retreated into their forests and took advantage of such terrain to inflict serious injuries on the American columns. Further, certain French-speaking forces taunted our soldiery with crude insults, followed by volleys of cows and other forms of livestock.
A portion of the Canadian forces remained on the southern bank of the river, thereby harassing the American flank. Although the great mass of American troops and their brave Mohawk allies remained intact, the irresolute Gen. Hampton unaccountably lost his nerve and withdrew to the south, thereby abandoning the planned conquest of the great city of Lower Canada, Montreal.
The debacle was especially bitter because it followed hard on the heels of the smashing success of our forces in York, the largest city in Upper Canada, which had led the American forces to hope that the demise of British authority in Canada was at hand.
It is the view of this correspondent that with improved generalship, the American Army can return to the Canadian Front with the wholesome and entirely achievable goal of ridding the Great White North of the British enemy and embracing that land as part of our rightful inheritance, even if it takes another 200 years.
Of course, next time under the command of Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and his liberal administration of liquid courage, the results will undoubtedly be different.
