Every year, the Spy, out of the goodness of its heart, generously donates its pixels to schnor from its readers for a cause that would melt a heart of stone: the Hot Air Fund.
Again this summer, exhausted columnists are depending on you to finance the summer vacation of their dreams, filled with private beaches, cocktail parties on the deck admiring the sunset over the Sound, and flattering the rich and powerful.
Did you know that 8 out of 10 hack columnists do not have a lavish summer home of their own to escape to in the summer heat of New York and Washington? It's true. For every Tommy F. and Pamela P. (summer cottage shown above), scores more have to content themselves with two weeks in July at someplace déclassé like Ocean City, Maryland or even New Hampshire. I know, right?
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| David needs your help! |
After ten months of partying with and sucking up to their rich friends, these middle-class columnists are forced through no fault of their own to unfashionable summer resorts, hoping against hope that they can score at least a long weekend in Chilmark! That's no way for these hacks to live! Don't they deserve a summer mingling with the same rich shits they spent all winter putzing around with?
For over 234 years, the Spy's Hot Air Fund has been transporting needy columnists to the wonderful world of elite summer vacations, empowering them to spend the following year writing columns pleasing to their patrons [Surely, empowering them to create new worlds of their own? – Ed.]
Let's meet a few of these neediest cases. If their tales of woe don't cause you to whip out your Platinum Card, we don't know what can, except for the redecoration of your guest bathroom in Easthampton!
David
David is an elderly man who lives with his millennial second wife Stacee in modest comfort in Bethesda, Maryland. He scratches out a living making fun of those like him who have been expensively educated but for some reason aren't filthy rich. He enjoys a variety of indoor activities, including re-reading his own columns, reading books by experts in lobster behavior, and sampling Italian deli meats.
Your generous contribution will allow David and Stacee to spend the summer in the hills of Tuscany exploring their shared love of cold cuts. Imagine how happy and proud David will be when he returns to Bethesda this fall, able to explain to the great unwashed (like you!) the differences between sopprassata and mortadella!
Now that's something we can all sink our teeth into!
Maureen
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| Maureen can't get away in August without you! |
Maureen is an elderly spinster who lives alone in Georgetown, writing fan fiction and subsisting on the caviar and crab cakes passed at the cocktail parties that lobbyists sometimes invite her to out of the goodness of their hearts.
Occasionally she is invited for weekends on the Vineyard or Malibu, but the rest of the time she sits alone at her N Street window, hoping against hope that a celebrity will walk by.
Your generous contribution will allow Maureen to rent her own home on the Delaware shore for the month of August. Imagine how happy she will be to gambol in the surf with her beloved brother Kevin. In the evenings, they'll sit around a cozy fire telling each other all those jokes they loved growing up in an all-white Virginia suburb and regale each other with new ones like whether Michelle Obama is really a man!
Ross
Unless you help, Ross and his fifteen children will be trapped all summer in the fetid wasteland of New Haven, Conn. Trust us, that's no way to live! His only relief is loading up the family and driving for occasional day trips to places like Hammonassett Beach. Do you know what it's like for someone like Ross to have to mingle with beachgoers at a place like that? Let's just say it doesn't remind Ross, or anyone else, of Leverett House.
Yet with your help Ross will be able to take his whole posse to Idaho for the summer. Imagine how much fun they will have riding, fishing, mountaineering, and faith healing while Ross stays home polishing his rocket [Surely, his arguments proving that he should have the power to stick his chubby fist inside the cervices of American women and instruct them what they can and can't do with their lady parts? – Ed.]
Should Ross decide to leave the house, he'll be able to enjoy the bracing mountain air of Idaho and stimulating conversations with Constitutional sheriffs, Christian dominationists, and other rugged average Americans who think just like him! As long as he stays in Idaho, he'll never be lonely!
Arthur
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| To be truly happy, Arthur needs more |
Unlike these other great public intellectuals, Arthur did manage to parlay a lifetime of shilling on behalf of the rich and powerful at a Washington “think tank” into an adequate four-bedroom in Rehoboth Beach. But his current summer place is across the highway from the beach and Arthur's not as spry as he used to be when he used to walk all the way from K Street to The Palm for lunch.
With your contributions, Arthur will be able to trade it the old shack for a better located summer place right on the beach. Without endangering life and limb, he'll be able to open his back door, stroll across the dunes, and plant himself on the sunny sands to polish his latest advice about how true happiness doesn't depend on money. And then he'll be able to laugh his f***in' ass off!
Just think how happy you will be knowing you made it all possible, except for the part paid for by dark money Republicans and lobbyists for giant corporations, all of whom look forward to more of Arthur's sage advice on the secret of true happiness!
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There are so many more deserving young and not so young columnists like Nick, George, Kathleen, Gail, and Bret waiting for you to make their summers just a little brighter! The smile on their faces when they sit down on Georgica Beach is thanks enough, but if you give generously, you'll enjoy a whole year of their brilliant insights, Every morning, when you log on, you'll be able to remind yourself that you helped them get the inspiration to write that column about how Biden is too old!
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