Tuesday, September 13, 2016

News from Zontar: Candidate's health disclosure raises issues, optics, reporters' pulses

Editor's Note: After working too hard and too long, a 68-year-old woman feels ill.  Not only that, she decided she didn't want to anyone to use this uninteresting information against her.  If only she had told us immediately she was feeling poorly, that would have been much better.  By amazing coincidence, we received a dispatch from the distant planet Zontar, in the Remulac system, where someone in a somewhat similar position decided to make such a disclosure and it worked out great!


By Amy Chachem V. Bubos and Patrick Holy
The New Zontar Times

In an effort to dispel nagging questions about her health, Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton today said that her recent coughing attacks were caused by what her campaign termed “walking pneumonia.”

But influential Republican and Democratic political insiders said that the disclosure raised as many questions as it answered.  “Why weren't we told about this earlier?” asked Trump campaign scarecrow [Surely spokeswoman? – Ed.] KellyAnne Conmedia.

Questions like these are casting a cloud over the Clinton campaign and raise anew longstanding questions about Ms. Clinton’s health, candor, and ability to chug a six of Natty Light during halftime.
“How can the American people trust a sickly old lady who may well have Parkinson's, Korsakoff’s dementia, leprosy and hammer toes?” asked Trump campaign shoplifter Kristin Pispore on Schlox News.

The candidate's apparent ill health is bad for optics,
according to her political enemies
Her interviewer Sean Minime echoed her concern: “When we have credible reports that Hillary Clinton is a weak, decrepit, broken-down old hag, we have to ask: what else is she hiding?  Make it more than health.  Roger.  Don't read this part on air you idiot.”

Democratic operatives are privately filling their pants over the prospect that their nominee could be portrayed as not up for the job as President in contrast to a fat old man with a comb-over and slathered in bronzer.

One Democratic campaign veteran, who asked to remain anonymous so that he could piss on Hillary without fear of retribution, said: “It fits into a narrative that she is too sick and untrustworthy for the Presidency, which narrative your article will advance.”

To show how balanced and professional we are, we contacted the Clinton campaign for comment.  “I can’t believe you are putting on your front page a story about Clinton’s supposed health and credibility problems while ignoring the facts that her crooked, lying opponent has not released his taxes or any non-forged health information, and has based his entire campaign on bigotry and bribing state officials with other people’s money,” said spokeswoman Cassandra Muggins.

However, since one anonymous source is always good enough for us, expect further questions about the candidate’s health and candor to continue for as long as she refuses to take Maureen Dowd’s advice and divorce her no-good cheatin’ husband.

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