Cabinet nominees ease Senate concerns by vowing to ignore their boss

By Isaiah Thomas
Washington Bureau Chief

WASHINGTON, D.C. – With the specter of the United States falling into the hands of the Tangerine-Faced Grifter-Elect and his BFF V. Putin less than a week away, an anxious Senate wanted reassurance from Cabinet nominees that they do not intend to comply with anything their ignorant reality-show President could tell them.

In response to questions from the Senate Armed Services Committee, Retired General James Mattis assured the Senators that he didn't agree with any of the Grifter-Elect's idiotic and dangerous ideas.  “Of course, Putin's Russia is a dangerous adversary and we have to support and strengthen NATO and our own defenses in response,” he said.

“If you don't know how to keep idiot
Presidents out of your hair, you shouldn't be
Secretary of Defense,” Mattis said.

He further reassured the Senators that he had no intention of abrogating the Iran nuclear deal, thereby sparing the world from arming the extremist backers of wars in at least four countries with nuclear bombs.  Notwithstanding the bloviation of the blackmailed choice of at least 25% of the U.S. voting public, he also told the Senators that he respected the intelligence community and would place great weight on their carefully analyzed products.

Asked how he would deal with the Grifter-Elect's choice for national security adviser, the batsh*t-crazy Gen. Jack D. Ripper, Mattis replied, “In the words of Monica Crowley, he's not in my chain of command.”

While Gen. Mattis's rational adult answers, based as they were on real information and hard-won experience, reassured the Senators, they nonetheless wanted to know how he would keep his boss from doing something stupid, like blowing up the world.

“Anytime he calls, I'll set up a rally for him on some base or aircraft carrier.  Don't worry; he'll fall for that crap every time,” he said.  He went on to tell the Committee that he had a closet full of gimme ball caps with different insignias on them and he'd bring one to every Oval Office meeting.  “They could say No. #1 Power Ranger on them and he won't know the difference,” Mattis promised.

Homeland Security nominee Gen. John Kelly made similar statements at his confirmation hearing.  Asked if he agreed with the Grifter-Elect's oft-repeated campaign pledge to build a $25 billion wall on the U.S.-Mexico border, Gen. Kelly said, “That's the stupidest idea I ever heard of.  It's not worth a brass farthing in terms of U.S. security.”

Gen. Kelly said he would keep the Tangerine-Faced Grifter
happy by bringing Steve King's model border wall to
White House meetings, together with Border Patrol action
figures

In response to the question of how he would spend an additional $25,000,000,000 in Homeland Security funding instead of building a wall, Gen. Kelly said “Anything would be better than a wall.  I could flush $25 billion down the toilet and it would have a similar effect on homeland security.  I could sure use more money for cybersecurity and intelligence, though.”

As to other “hot-button” issues pimped by the Tangerine-Faced Grifter, Gen. Kelly said banning Muslim immigrants or registering Muslim U.S. residents would be “nothing more than painting a recruiting poster for ISIS.”

He also said that anyone who thinks that torture is a valuable method of protecting the United States “has been getting their information from crappy Fox TV series.”

Given the divergence of his views from those held or at least professed by the Grifter-Elect, Senators asked Gen. Kelly how he could keep his boss in line.  “I'll just bring Steve King's model wall to the Oval Office and let the President play with it.  Worst-case scenario, I'll call Michaela – I mean, Ivanka.”

For more on how the Grifter-Elect's cabinet nominees plan to ignore the idiot they'll nominally be working for, check this out.