Tuesday, May 16, 2017

News from Zontar: US President starts nuclear war, GOP Senators concerned

Editors' Note:  Every so often the Spy's Deep Space Desk gets a transmission from the distant planet Zontar in the Remulac system many, many light years away.  The reports provide a window into the aliens who inhabit this strange world and their inexplicable behavior, which is of course absolutely incomprehensible to those of us here on Planet Earth.  Nonetheless we bring you these bizarre dispatches so that you can best appreciate the incredible diversity of life in our Universe and the sanity and comforts we take for granted here – [They get the setup – Ed.]




By Douglass MacArthur
War Editor

WASHINGTON, D.Z. – The shattering news that nuclear weapons have been used for the first time since Nagasaki continues to reverberate around the world, which continues to absorb the full extent of the nuclear holocaust.

As casualty figures mount into the millions and makeshift rescue crews begin to reach the devastated metropolises of Seoul and Pyongyang, the decision by U.S. President Donald J. Drumpf to launch the nuclear first strike against North Korea has come in for criticism from all corners of the world.  Although the details of the Presidential decision are not completely known, sources at the White House point to the decision by North Korean President Kim Dum-Un to flip Drumpf the bird while the U.S. President was addressing world leaders during a special session of the UN General Assembly held at Drumpf's combination golf club and slot parlor Zar-a-Bingo.

Drumpf, storming out of the conference was heard to mutter to Secretary of State Omirosa Manigault: “He made me look ridiculous and a man in my position cannot afford to look ridiculous.”

That night, Drumpf pressed the two red buttons on his desk, summoning his personal assistant Miss Epstein with a frosty Zoca-Cola and the national nuclear command structure.  He gave the orders to launch a nuclear attack on North Korean cities and military targets.  Sources close to Defense Secretary Santino Drumpf said that he had tried to argue with his father, but was overruled.  The sources said: “The President reminded him who gets two scoops of ice cream for dessert and who doesn't.”

President Drumpf ordered at least 20 atomic weapons
detonated over N. Korea
When the order reached the Chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Army General Gary Busey, General Busey, sources said, tried to talk the President out of the decision, predicting correctly that North Korea would be able to retaliate with a devastating nuclear attack on South Korea.  However the General realized that under the U.S. constitutional tradition of military deference to civilian leadership, he had no choice but to order the attack.

Following the U.S. strike and North Korean counter-strike, experts estimate that at least 3,000,000 Koreans have been killed and millions more gravely injured.  The downtown areas of Pyongyang and Seoul were reduced to dust and ashes.  North Korean President Kim was reported safe in his bunker and has already invited Chinese troops into his devastated land to preserve his rule.

At least 30,000 American troops along the DMZ and in bases in and around the former South Korean capital are believed to have perished in the catastrophe.

The reaction to President Drumpf's decision to use nuclear weapons has not been popular in the United States.  Even the staid New Zork Times termed the atomic apocalypse “apocalyptic.” [We stole that one – Ed.] 

While some Democrats on Capitol Hill are talking about impeaching the President for unleashing the nuclear genie, others believe the best course of action is to lie low and emphasize domestic issues in the forthcoming mid-term elections.

The Republicans, who have been a bastion of support for the beleaguered President, privately expressed concern over the loss of American lives, but publicly are still backing their man.  “I am concerned about the President's starting a nuclear war, but I want to wait until all the facts are in,” said Sen. Bob Zorker, Republican of Zennessee.

US satellite reconnaissance shows that
the destruction of Seoul was total
Sen. Rob Zortman of Ohioz struck a similar note: “While we are all troubled over the terrible loss of life in Korea, I condemn any Democrat who uses this regrettable incident for partisan political gain.” 

House Speaker Paul Ryanz said he preferred not to comment on matters that he was powerless to affect and instead would focus on Republican legislative priorities, including tax cuts for the rich and letting the poor sicken and die.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnellz cautioned Democrats not to use the nuclear war as an excuse to block Senate business.  McConnellz said that the Senate would vote to confirm President Drumpf's choice for FBI director, Fredo Drumpf, by week's end.  Asked if he would support a bipartisan inquiry into the causes of the Korean nuclear war and its effect on U.S. foreign policy, the Majority Leader simply said, “No.”

Sources close to the hunky Senator speculated that his taciturnity was a response to the absence of his wife, Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chaoz, who was conducting an auction of the Interstate Highway System in Chicago.  “When he doesn't get his good lovin', he's not himself,” one staffer explained. 

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