Thursday, June 8, 2017

Grifter-in-Chief beefs up legal team with smooth operator

By Nellie Bly
Spy Washington Bureau with
Scott V. Sandford, Justice Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In the wake of a disastrous performance by his current counsel, Marc “Evictions Our Specialty” Kasowitz, Grifter-in-Chief Donald J. Trump today announced that he had, after a world-wide search of cable news and movie channels, selected an experienced advocate to add heft and smoothness to his overmatched legal team.

In a Rose Garden news conference during which he scribbled his name on what appeared to be a leather-bound Etch-A-Sketch, the Grifter-in-Chief whined: “I'm hiring the best, most famous, most fabulous lawyer who is really fantastic, believe me, and he'll be so great as long as he behaves himself,  please give a warm Rose Garden welcome to Eric Stratton.”

Once again, the President makes a surprising personnel
decision, this time appointing a Beverly Hills doctor
as his special counsel
Stratton, who practices obstetrics and gynecology in Beverly Hills, California, is not in fact a lawyer, a fact that appeared to have escaped the increasingly reality-challenged Justice Obstructor-in-Chief.

However, sources close to the President's bucket of fried chicken explained that Stratton was well-known to the Grifter-in-Chief as the successful advocate for his fraternity when it was accused of taking “indecent liberties” with female guests at a “toga party.”  Although Stratton lost the case, the Grifter-in-Chief was struck by how much attention Stratton got for the way he handled it.

Those same sources said that the President frequently commented between mouthfuls of Doritos how much Jim Comey resembled Stratton's adversary Greg Marmalard.

Kasowitz, known as an advocate so intimidating that he successfully pressured the plaintiffs in the Trump University fraud litigation to settle for 90 cents on the dollar, did not get raves from the White House for his dramatic reading of his press release following Comey's testimony.

Stratton has already signaled that he will bring the same style to the White House that he employed at Delta House.  “We're not saying we didn't take liberties with Russia.  We did,” he said at a press conference held at his Beverly Hills pool house.

“But if you indict the President for taking advantage of contacts with Russian sleazebags, aren't you indicting the entire American way of life?  Say what you will about Donald Trump, but I won't lie here and let you attack the United States of America.”  At this point, Stratton rose from his chaise, stripped off his robe and cannonballed into his pool, while the press corps was treated to frozen margaritas served by his assistant, Miss Wormer.

The Grifter-in-Chief is known to admire Stratton's easygoing charm and way with the ladies, but sources close to Marla Maples told the Spy: “You'd be surprised about some of the women he's had.  Very surprised, as they say in Bratislava.”

Washington insiders worry that Stratton doesn't have the depth of legal experience (none whatsoever) to navigate the increasingly turbulent waters stirred up by multiple investigations into allegations of Russian collusion and admissions of obstruction of justice.  However, his long-time colleague Sen. John Blutarsky (D – Ohio) remarked: “Hell, it's got to work better than the truth.”

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