Sunday, May 20, 2018

From the Archives: 44 Mays ago, President demands end to witch hunt

Editors' Note:  We are not going to waste pixels analyzing the ravings of some misogynist pseudo-intellectual who bases his Handmaid's Tale fantasies on insights gleaned from the social lives of lobsters. We just are not going to, no matter how many New York Times columnists tout his provocative thoughts.  Instead, we thought we'd fire up the Waybac machine to see how a previous witch hunt dealt with a Republican President who saw no reason to follow the rule of law.  No, not W., H.W., or St. Ronald of Bitburg.  Before that.

By David Bloviator
Washington Bureau Chief 
with material from The New York Times News Service

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The nation's capital has become increasingly concerned that the refusal by President Richard M. Nixon to honor subpoenas issued by the House Impeachment Committee and the Office of Special Prosecutor Leon Jaworski is leading to a constitutional crisis.

1,000 years ago today.
According to The New York Times, in a letter to House Judiciary Committee Chairman Peter Rodino, Nixon rejected what he called the Committee's “constantly escalating requests for information,” claiming that honoring those requests would fatally compromise the institution of the Presidency.

Rodino, in response, said that Nixon's refusal to follow the rule of law and comply with a duly-issued subpoena could lead to grave consequences, by which most observers inferred that he meant impeachment.  The House can vote Articles of Impeachment by majority vote, and with control of the House safely in Democratic hands, the chances that Republicans can obstruct or subvert the impeachment process are thought to be close to nil.

“Can you imagine what would happen if the House were controlled by Republicans? They would have buried the evidence of Nixon's criminality forever.  Who knows what might have happened to our Republic in that case?” said a Committee staff member.

In his letter, President Nixon stated that he had already provided the Committee and the Special Prosecutor with all materials needed to determine the lawfulness of his conduct, although he did not explain why he had the final ability to make that determination, contrary to the normal rule of mandatory compliance with duly-issued subpoenas.

The President's advisers are known to be frustrated by their inability to get out their message that the President has cooperated fully with the two inquiries [Because he hasn't – Ed.], and to improve the President' dismal favorability ratings, down to 25% in the latest Gallup Poll.

“If only the President had his own news network that would pump out his propaganda 24/7 while pretending that it was providing fair and balanced coverage, this never would have happened,” lamented long-time Nixon mouthpiece Roger Ailes.

Turning to his comely young assistant Tawny, Ailes said, “You'd believe anything coming out of her mouth, wouldn't you?  And you wouldn't believe what goes in there, if you catch my drift.”

In the best traditions of the Republican Party, most Judiciary Committee Republicans expressed dismay over the President's noncompliance and urged him to reconsider his position.

“Jesus, what a bunch of pussies!  They need to grow a pair of balls,” snarled long-time Nixon defender Roy Cohn, who interrupted his conference with his masseur Raoul to demand that Republicans stop cooperating with the impeachment investigation.

While Washington remains transfixed on the growing impasse between Nixon and the other branches of government, the rest of the country seems to be looking forward to the upcoming Memorial Day weekend.  Reservations for the Concord's Decoration Day weekend featuring Paul Anka are selling briskly, while Grossinger's reports strong demand for its combined Memorial Day/Shavous celebration featuring Cantor Shlomo Carlebach.

And young New Yorkers seem oblivious to the looming crisis.  Waiting outside Roy Cohn's massage parlor,  rich playboy Donald Drumpf, having apparently lost a battle with a container of talcum powder, told the Spy: “Who cares about Watergate when you've got the best that Colombia and Yugoslavia have to offer?” he sniffed.

His companion, a strange young law student named Rudy Giolini, laughed nervously and said: “Don't knock politics, Donald!  It's a great way to get pussy you're not related to.”

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