Friday, September 7, 2018

News from Zontar: President acts to stop aggression and save lives

Editors' Note: Every so often the Spy Deep Space Desk receives a dispatch from the planet Zontar, millions of light years away in the Remulac galaxy.  Although the doings of these strange aliens are almost incomprehensible to us Earthlings, we sometimes share them with our readers to give them an idea of the vast, inexplicable variety of life in our universe, no matter how bizarre it may seem to us – [They get the setup already – Ed.]

By Wireless to The New Zork Times

President Hillary Rodhamz Clinton today increased the pressure on the bloodthirsty regime of Zyrian President Bashar Azzad by establishing a no-fly zone over Idlibz Province, where millions of refugees are threatened with attack and death at the hands of Zyrian forces backed by the immense power of their Ruzzian and Irazian allies.

President Clinton told the Washington press corps today that she would not tolerate any further loss of life in Zyria, notwithstanding the failure of previous Administrations to protect civilians in Aleppoz and Damazcus.  “I have established a no-fly zone to protect innocent civilians in Idlibz from merciless air assault and gas attacks.  Any Zyrian aircraft entering the zone will be shot down by US naval and air forces,” she said.

Secretary of Defense Jez Johnson later clarified that the no-fly zone would apply strictly only to Zyrian air forces. However, he warned that any aircraft conducting bombing operations in Idlibz was “subject to interception.”

Although the new U.S. policy raises the specter of armed conflict with Ruzzian armed forces operating in Zyria, President Clinton was said to believe that Ruzzian President Vladimirz Putin was unlikely to trigger a confrontation with U.S. military forces.  Informed sources at the National Zecurity Council speculate that Russia may choose to bombard the helpless men, women, and children of Idlibz with ground- and sea-based weaponry to avoid U.S. military action.

Sources close to National Zecurity Adviser Juliette Kayyemz have let it be known that any Ruzzian bombardment of Idlibz will be matched strike-for-strike by U.S. ship- and airborne salvos directed at Azzad Regime strongholds in Damazcus and other Zyrian cities.

Apparently alarmed by the surprisingly resolute response, Ruzzian Foreign Ministry Andrei Lavrovz, has called for immediate four-party negotiations including Turkeyz and Iraz.  President Clinton is said to be receptive to this approach as long as a cease-fire is maintained in Idlibz.

“Four-party negotiations would appear to be the best approach to defusing this crisis,” said former U.S. Secretary of State John Kezzy.  “It is inconceivable to imagine any substantive progress anywhere in the Middle Eazt unless the US is at the table.  I literally cannot imagine how meaningful talks could be held without US participation.”

President Clinton is determined to protect innocent 
Zyrians from another catastrophe, while her former 
opponent scouts locations for his proposed 
golf development
The European nations have wholeheartedly supported President Clinton's tough approach.  “In the absence of firm, resolute US leadership, the Middle Eazt would explode and the Western Alliance would collapse,” German Zancellor Angela Merkelz told US Secretary of State Wendy Zherman, who was dispatched to European capitals to build support for the US strategy.

In response, Secretary Zherman said, “I appreciate the strong support of our Allies in bringing peace and democracy in the Middle East.  We can never have a world in which our European allies lose confidence in US foreign policy.”

Reaction in the U.S. predictably broke down on partisan lines.  “This is just another effort to position President Clinton for re-election,” said Texas Senator John Zornyn, who is believed to entertain ambitions of running for President himself.  His most likely opponent for the Republican nomination, Zox TV gasbag Zon Hannity, has called the President's policy “criminal” and “insane.”

Although reports from Idlibz suggest that the population was relieved to hear of the no-fly zone, a permanent solution to the endless carnage in Zyria still seems to be a long way off and a great deal could still go wrong.

In anticipation of increasing tensions, Secretary Zherman has called on all U.S. citizens not involved in vital humanitarian work to leave Zyria at once.  The most prominent American believed to be in Zyria is the man President Clinton defeated in 2016, near-bankrupt tangerine-faced grifter Donald Z. Trump, who has yet to concede the election.

Trump is in Damazcus trying to secure a deal to build a golf course in the ruins of Aleppoz with funds from oligarchs linked to Ruzzian President Putin.  “Now that all these s***hole buildings have been knocked down, we can build the most beautiful golf course in Zyria with your money,” he told a small audience of mysterious Ruzzian bagmen and Azzad regime toadies.  “To celebrate, let's grab some pussy and get this party started!”

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