Wednesday, October 3, 2018

The greatest political pundit ever covers the midterms

Editors' Note:  While the Pride of Yale continues to battle heroically on behalf of all drunken sex offenders everywhere, the most distinguished political pundit still on his feet, the Spy's David Bloviator,  has had his finger on the Scotch bottle [Surely, pulse of the nation? – Ed.] as he covers his 23rd election exclusively for the Spy.

TMS: It's an honor to be with you tonight here in Whitehaven, Mississippi, where you are on the road covering the 2018 midterm elections.

DB:  I can well imagine,  Speaking of honors, would you do them and fetch me another Chivas-rocks like a good lad?  Make it a double.

TMS: Here you are.  Tell us, what was your reaction to the President's rally last night?

DB: It showed me that he retains his base of support in America's great heartland among those who feel unjustly attacked.

TMS: You mean like white rapists?

DB:  The President has a superb feel for the concerns and anxieties of average Americans.

TMS:  What about the concerns and anxieties of women who have suffered or fear sexual assault or abuse and those who care about them?
The great man himself, David Bloviator

DB:  Goddam it, man, you're not listening!  This current fooferraw over the Kavanaugh nomination just shows how tragically tribal our politics has become.

TMS:  It doesn't show a level of concern over the idea of putting a sex offender and perjurer on the Supreme Court?

DB:  That's just what one of the tribes would say.

TMS:  Also the victims and witnesses.

DB:  But, as you can see, away from the coastal elites, the President is rallying the Republicans behind his platform.

TMS:  Which is what exactly?

DB:  It's to make America great again.

TMS:  I understand the slogan, but is America really great when it gives broken-down blackout drunks a position of responsibility?

DB:  Now just wait a dang minute there friend.  One more crack like that and you'll get a faceful of ice.  If you don't want that, you better cover these cubes with another double.

TMS:  I wasn't referring to distinguished commentators like yourself, sir.

DB:  Of course not.  Now where was I?  I seem to have forgotten what I was saying.

TMS:  You were explaining how appointing loutish blackout lushes to the Supreme Court makes America great.

DB:  Indeed I was.

TMS:  Let's try something else.  It appears that the Democrats are benefiting from an outpouring of enthusiasm and financial support from their base.  Is that what you're seeing?

DB:  You do see some pouring out by Democrats in red states like Texas. You could describe their base as energized.

TMS:  How about motivated as never before?

DB:  That is also acceptable.  But the Democrats should not simply become the anti-President party.

TMS:  Why not?  Most voters can't stand him.

DB:  The Democrats must offer a positive alternative.   Otherwise they risk becoming the party of anger.  They must reach out.

TMS:  Reach out to whom?

DB:  Reach out to voters who supported the President.

TMS: How do you propose that Democrats reach out to those who voted for a man who launched his campaign with bigoted slurs against Mexicans and now cheer him on when he mocks a victim of sexual assault?

DB: They must move to the middle.  They should embrace centrist candidates like Michael Bloomberg.  As I said last weekend at a weekend conference paid for by Bloomberg in Palm Beach, we need an open bar.

TMS:  Don't you mean an open nominating process?

DB:  That too.

TMS: Why don't the Republicans have to move to the middle by for example not borrowing from our children to provide tax cuts for the rich or not gutting health insurance?

DB:  Dammit, man, you're missing the point.  Democrats must move to the middle.  Republicans don't have to move an inch.  Don't you know anything about politics?

TMS:  Aren't Democrats succeeding in many areas by embracing a progressive platform?

DB:  That may work in isolated coastal areas like Boston,  New York, or Los Angeles.  But here in Mississippi or in other states like North Dakota or Utah, voters are turned off by loud, shrill women.

TMS:  Have you ever wondered what turns off women, who represent more than half of all voters?

DB:  Why do you ask?

TMS:  Thank you Mr. Bloviator.

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