Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Sports News: New hope for those left out of Patriot Nation

Washington-area streets were not thronged today by millions of ecstatic football fans.

By Shill Shamelessly
Ace Sports Columnist

While joy reigns again in Patriots Nation, and a parched Hub enjoys the gentle rain of another championship ending an almost three-month drought, it has come to the attention of empty suit and owner bootlicker Roger Goodell that not every one is equally happy.

In an announcement delivered to the lowly serfs of the working press from his midtown Manhattan penthouse, NFL Commissioner for Life Goodell, after lighting his Cohiba with another $100 bill, said that he was taking dramatic action to assuage the feelings of those who seem to be having particular difficulty with the spectacle of the 6th Lombardi Trophy being carried down Boylston Street again this year by its rightful owners.

Goodell, having been booed out of Mercedes Benz Stadium by a mere 75,000 Patriots fans who remember all too well his effort to derail the team of destiny on the grounds that Tom Brady wouldn't let him paw through his cell phone, retreated to his Fortress of Obsequy and pondered awhile (at about $12,000 per hour) about the hurt feelings of those dismayed by the triumph of a team that had been written off as too old and too slow to pick up a sixth Super Bowl ring.

Even worse, when he breakfasted with his fellow plutocrats the morning after the Super Bowl, he was told in no uncertain terms that important members of the media were none too happy.

Here's one example, culled from a publication legendary for its incisive sports coverage:

Heartbreaking, isn't it?

Nor was that the end of it. From another sad place west of Pittsfield came this anguished cry from a reporter who ordinarily does great work covering Republican crooks in Congress but couldn't stand the heat generated by Messrs. Brady, Edelman, McCourty, McCourty, Gronkowski, et al.

What could be so upsetting about a thrilling defensive battle that ended as it must with a win for the boys from Foxborough?

After digging the last bits of his egg-white omelet out of his teeth with a crisp rolled up $100 bill, Goodell recognized that he had a problem that he could fix.  According to coat-holders deep within the Commissioner's Office, Goodell has decided to remedy the grief and anger felt by sports fans like Crouch and Kim by going directly to the heart of the matter.

Goodell has told confidantes that in response he will propose to the plutocratic team owners that the NFL expand to the currently unserved markets of New York and Washington.  “Goodell thinks that by giving fans in NY and DC a real NFL franchise to root for, he can address the root of their unhappiness: the absence of professional football from the two top-ten markets,” explained one overpaid young white man whose day job is replenishing the stack of Benjamins at Goodell's right hand.

“New Yorkers haven't seen an NFL game played in their city for 30 years.  No wonder that every Patriots championship sets off years of whining,” the source told ol' Shill.

Now the Shillmeister has been knocking around the gridiron for longer than he likes to remember, but even he has only a dim recollection of a couple of two-bit franchises playing atop Jimmy Hoffa's grave in the swamps of New Jersey.  Goodell has, according to sources, given up all hope that the “Jints” and “Jots” will ever be able to play at the level required to compete in the NFL.  Accordingly, he is looking for rich white suckers to drop  about $1,000,000,000 on an expansion franchise.

He also expects the easily nobbled politicians of New York to cough up another billion of taxpayer money to build a stadium for the exclusive benefits of the white corporate elite who will enjoy it.  Goodell, after blowing his nose in yet another honeybee, was quoting as saying: “If they can grease Steinbrenner with a billion, imagine what they can do for us.”

Goodell has already scouted some prime real estate he'd like to repurpose for a stadium, including an old commuter rail station on East 42d Street and Liberty Island, although he said he'd consider incorporating the statue into a giant IMAX scoreboard.

Goodell sees the situation in Washington as even worse, with the supposed NFL team not just a national joke but, given that its very name is an ethnic slur, a national outrage.  Goodell, eager to put the new Washington team on a sound footing, is planning to move the existing DC franchise to Richmond, Virginia and rename it in honor of the hunters and trappers that once flourished in the Chesapeake lowlands.  According to the Commissioner's Office, the team will be renamed the “Virginia Coonmen.”

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