Republicans in their Happy Place

By Nellie Bly
Spy Washington Bureau

P.G. COUNTY, Md. – For decades now we've heard how the Republicans are the party of new ideas, although when you stop to think about it, “health care for all” is an idea too, but one the Republicans regard as on a par with exterminating the Ukrainian kulaks.

A lot of big, bold Republican ideas were on full display at the ongoing Conservative PAC conference held next to a casino somewhere in wilds of Maryland.  Because my editors refused to authorize the $120 car fare, I've had to rely on the eyewitness reports of other journalists.  Let's just say, based on what they've unearthed, I'm not too upset.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can't fool CPAC
by wearing a disguise

So many big ideas, it's hard to know where to start.  How about we get the card-carrying neo-Nazi “Dr.” Sebastian Gorka out of the way?  You may recall that this mainstream figure was once a national security assistant in the U Bum White House notwithstanding his inability to obtain a security clearance and still appears as an expert on the TV arm of the Republican Party.

Like the Nazis he admires so much, he was haunted by the specter of Socialism, an ideology so evil that it will stop at nothing to swoop down upon patriotic Americans and take away their, wait for it, hamburgers.  This is some sort of reference to the Green New Deal, although not one that has any basis in fact.

Herr Oberstürmbanführer Gorka went on to contrast Socialist burger-thieving Democrats with Republicans who will lead us into the sunlit uplands of a utopia where patriotic Americans will no longer be afflicted by New York intellectuals (because Manhattan will have sunk into the sea following the collapse of the polar ice-caps) and every day will be bright and fair, with summer highs in Washington, D.C. topping out in the 120's.

Then the conference turned to true intellectual heavyweights, like the My Pillow guy.  He's a former crackhead who found Jesus who in His divine wisdom according to Mr. Pillow turned him on to the one true God: Pres U Bum.

Here's how one formerly loyal Republican now trying to rejoin the human race summarized the views on display at CPAC:

To summarize:
Folks who defend White nationalists.. check
Grifters .. check#
Vdare contributors....check
Folks who endorsed Paul Nehlen.. check
Folks who backed Roy Moore... check
Seb Gorka... check
Pro choice tweeter.. OMG YOUHAVE BETRAYED CONSERVATIVISM

— Charlie Sykes (@SykesCharlie) March 2, 2019

Now some might contend that a conference and a political party devoted to venerating the man who smeared real President Obama as born in Kenya, Rep. Maxine Waters as having a low IQ, and Mexicans as rapists and assassins might be suffused with racism.

Fortunately, the CPAC organizers had a bold new idea: bring on a couple of thirsty rando women of color to sing De Camptown Races [Surely, repeat standard Republican talking points about how Democratic Socialism is as bad as slavery? – Ed.].  That should certainly conclusively and forever refute any possible argument that the party that opposes extension of the Voting Rights Act is motivated by racism, regardless of whether 95% of black people know in their bones the contrary.

Speaking of choice, let's turn to the nuanced debate at CPAC regarding a woman's right to choose to terminate her pregnancy:

CPAC represented a doubling down on this point, in an apparent bid to motivate anti-abortion activists before next year’s elections. Former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, for example, said that Democratic laws would be the same as taking babies home from the hospital and aborted thereafter.

CPAC speakers wowed the crowd with
scary stories, like infanticide

The abortion-is-the-same-as-baby-murder trope isn't some wacky far-right bit of invective – it's the heart and soul of the Republican Party and indeed the only thing besides bigotry keeping white reactionary “Christians” on the side of the guy who banged a porn star while his wife was home with his baby and then illegally paid her to keep quiet about it.  [Failure of antecedent.  How many payoffs are we talking about here? – Ed.]

And then let's recall that we are after all (all being a term of art that encompasses the genocide of Native Americans) a nation of immigrants.  Here's C-level wingnut celebrity Michelle Malkin doing her bit to further a constructive debate on immigration reform:

Malkin focused much of her speech on slamming undocumented immigrants and politicians who defend their right to stay in the U.S.
“Both parties are to blame,” Malkin said of undocumented immigrants. “Yes, I’m looking at you, retired Paul Ryan and yes, I’m looking at you, Mitch McConnell, and yes, I’m looking at you, Bush family.
“I’m looking at you, the ghost of John McCain,” she added — to a thunderous applause from the audience, who shot up out of their seats after the dig at the deceased Arizona senator.

All agreed at CPAC that tomorrow belonged to Republicans

Because there's no idea more powerful or novel than dancing on the grave of a Senator who isn't around to defend himself.

By the way, what kind of a name is Malkin anyway?  Why do I think she is descended from immigrants?  Of course, she could be a full-blooded Cherokee married to someone whose head won't be flying off come the Rapture so who knows?

We could go on but by now those with sensitive guts may have heard enough.

It would be easy to make fun of the cloddish, wacky things spewed out at CPAC except for one thing: they represent the mainstream thinking of the Republican Party.  And the main stream of that Party is a foaming torrent of hate, bigotry, and greed.  That's why Republicans continue to flack for and prop up a depraved corrupt bigoted incompetent grifter as he takes a bone saw to every fiber and sinew of our polity.  It's frightening, but you have to admit that this knowing embrace of subversion is –  a new idea.