Journalism for beginners, Middle East crisis edition

By A.J. Liebling
Meta-Content Generator

It's Memorial Day weekend and any real pundit has scored a weekend in the Hamptons or the Eastern Shore, leaving behind the young tyros to generate enough conventional wisdom to tide us over until the next international disgrace created by President U Bum.  And the results aren't too good.  Poor Margaret Brennan on Face the Nation had to grapple with the Iran disinformation being peddled by those seasoned liars and warmongers, John “Bomb Iran” Bolton and Mike Pompeo.

As you might have expected, Iran disinformation won.  Her nominal task was to interview Beto O'Rourke.  To her credit she began not with horse race crap about why he hasn't “broken through” only what 14 months before the Democratic nominee is chosen.  Instead, she smoothly channeled U Bum Administration talking points about the imminent threat posed by Iran.  She asked Beto how the US should respond to the “Iran threat.”

What Iran threat?  When did Iran become a threat to the United States?  Do you believe that Iran is a threat to the United States?  Why?  Has Iran sent an aircraft carrier task force to patrol 15 miles off Long Island within sight of your cocktail party?  Of course Beto said, as any sentient being would, that he didn't believe that Iran did pose a threat to the US.

But Ms. Brennan, stuck in sweltering Washington D.C., persisted.   She referred to scary “US intelligence” suggesting that Iran was a threat to US forces in Iraq.  By the way, wtf are US forces doing in Iraq?  Can anybody tell us?

Margaret Brennan smoothly channeled U Bum talking
points about the Iran crisis. [Photo interns, does this
look right? – Ed.]

Are they in danger?  You bet your brand new beach Tevas they are.  Iraq is in fact a dangerous stew of Shi'ite militias and disgruntled Sunnis who continue to struggle against Shi'ite oppression, as indeed has been the case since the US created this toxic mess in 2003.  Are some of these militias ready, willing, or able to take shots at US forces to advance their own narrow agendas?  Uh, yes.  Are some of these militias influenced by one or more factions based in Iran?  Again, given the close ties between the two Shi'ite regimes, yes again.

Is this news?  No it isn't.  But you don't have take our word for it.  Just ask this well-known terrorist sympathizer and sad, weak, pathetic Nancy Pelosi stooge: 

Earlier Tuesday, British Maj. Gen. Chris Ghika, a senior commander of allied troops in Iraq, told reporters there has been no increased threat from Iranian-backed forces in Iraq and Syria.

You mean you'd believe a dispassionate observer with access to relevant intelligence over U Bum kissers and long-time prevaricators Bolton and Pompeo?   Well, lady, you can kiss that anchor slot at Face the Nation good bye!

At any rate, we took pity on Margaret Brennan and her fellow hacks toiling away in lonely newsrooms whilst their bosses were limbering up on the tennis courts of Martha's Vineyard.  To make their job even easier, the Spy created an all-purpose Iran threat story that you can make for yourself from things you have lying around the house, like the same f***ing story from the lead up to the Iraq War in 2002.   Just choose the words that work best for you.  You'll have your piece filed before you can say Judith Miller!

US RESPONDS TO INCREASING THREATS IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Washington, D.C. – Administration officials vowed to respond forcefully to increasing threats posed by [Iraq/Iran/Nancy Pelosi].  Appearing on the Sunday talk shows [State Department official/National Security Adviser/pathological liar] John Bolton said that reliable intelligence proved that [Iran was putting rockets on boats/Iraq was building mobile biological warfare vans/Pete Buttigieg was a deserter].

Bolton promised that the United States response would be strong and warlike.  He said the President had authorized sending [B-52 bombers to the Persian Gulf/an additional 20,000 troops to Kuwait/boatloads of bone saws to Saudi Arabia].

Speaking on conditions of anonymity, senior US officials [accompanying the National Security Adviser/living inside John Bolton's suit/living inside John Bolton's head] said that unless [Iraq/Iran/Jerry Nadler] changed its aggressive stance, war was inevitable.

Republicans on Capitol Hill echoed the Administration's concerns.  Sen. Lindsey Graham said that the United States faced no greater threat than [Saddam Hussein/the Iranian mullahs/videotapes of him advocating impeaching President Clinton].  

But it appears that the Administration may not be able to count on support of its European allies in any use of force in the Persian Gulf.  Reaction in European capitals was skeptical with foreign government sources telling [your current employer] [What is this shit?/Was ist dieses Scheiss?/Quelle merde].

However, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu expressed firm support for the Administration's position saying, “We have always been at war with [Iraq/Iran/the Criminal Code of Israel].”

Pentagon sources have cautioned that military action may be long and protracted.  Sources close to the Joint Chiefs of Staff have said privately that Bolton doesn't have a grip on what it would mean to send US forces into harm's way in the Persian Gulf.  As one highly-placed senior officer said, “[Sure, we can get to Baghdad, but then what?/Look at f**in' Iran on a map and tell me how this would work/Take the guns, drop the war].”

But Bolton and Pompeo maintain that war in the Persian Gulf would be brief and decisive.  Said Bolton: “[Iraq wars are good and easy to win/All we need to do is bomb 83 million Iranians to death/Once the guns go off, it's not my problem anymore].”

As most of Washington enjoys the summer weather, one thing is clear: [The drums of war are beating ever louder/These schmucks don't have any idea of what they're doing/I told my agent if I don't get the Evening News I'm outta here.]