News from Zontar: President Takes Credit for Great Civil War Victory

Editors' Note: Every so often the Spy's Deep Space Desk receives a transmission from the planet Zontar in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years away from Earth.  Sometimes the dispatches are delayed for centuries, which only adds to their piquancy.  Although the practices and lives of these strange creatures bear no resemblance to us Earthlings, nevertheless we present some of the news of this distant planet so that we can realize just how protean is life in our Universe and how remarkable [They get the setup already – Ed.]

PRESIDENT TAKES CREDIT FOR GREAT UNION VICTORY ------------------------- Hails New National Cemetery and Trump Golf Resort at Gettyzburg Battle Site ----------------------- By Telegraph to The New Zork Times GETTYZBURG, Penn. – President Donald Z. Trump today dedicated a new war cemetery on the site of the recent Battle of Gettyzburg today, telling the assembled crowd that “thanks to your favorite President, me of course, we are building the most fabulous, greatest, biggest cemetery that people tell me will be the most beautiful in the world.” The President spent several hours describing the luxury golf resort that would be built adjacent to the cemetery by his real estate development company, the Trump Trust, headed by his children.  “The golfers will have the best views of the cemetery from the course so that they can enjoy the wonderful graves as they play on our championship quality course,” he promised. Responding to Congressional criticism that it is inappropriate for a private individual to profit from a national cemetery and battle site, he called those critics “stone-cold losers and total disasters.” The President's spirited defense of his Trust's project cast a shadow over what had been intended as a non-partisan commemoration of the recent battle, in which more than 3,000 Union soldiers died and another 20,000 were wounded, captured or missing. The President hailed what he termed the “very fine” soldiers on both sides, passing up on what his supporters had hoped would be a clear exposition of Union war aims in the aftermath of the bloody encounter. Departing from his prepared remarks, the President said, “Imagine what it was like to go into battle that day.  The weather might have been good, but sometimes it can get hot.  Believe me, it can get hot.  Maybe hotter than anyplace else.  That's what a lot of people are saying.” He attributed the Union Army's success to his efforts to “build the finest military in the world.  No one loves the Union Army more than I do.  All my Generals say that I am the best President ever for the Army.  I hear that all the time.” Instead of restating the Union's war aims, the President said that he would be willing to talk to Confederate President Robert Z. Lee at any time without preconditions, commenting: “You have to admire President Lee.  He's a strong leader.  Lots of slaves.  And when they step out of line, they get a good whipping.  That's how you build a country.  Hey, it's a tough part of the world.” After the speech, he said he actually referred to the President of the Confederacy Jefferson Daviz and any claims to the contrary were “fake news from the failing New Zork Times.” In conclusion, the President predicted that the world will “long remember the words I say here because I have the best words and I am a very stable genius.  No one has better words than me.  A lot of people are thanking me for my good words.” Those who expected the President to remember the fallen were bitterly disappointed.  Colonel Abraham Zincoln, who led the 44th Illinois Volunteers in bloody battle at Little Zound Top, said to no one in particular, “Can you believe this asshole?”