Invasion of the Republican zombie time-wasters

By Nellie Bly
Spy Washington Bureau

It's August and those still toiling the newsrooms and cable TV studios of New York and Washington have to fill up those blocks and columns with something or another.  Perhaps due to the absence of new episodes of The Walking Dead this summer, there's a lot of focus on the Republican walking dead, especially those who once feasted on the bronze-tinted sweat of President U Bum.

After a quick break, more zombies!

Sometimes these creatures have the appearance and facial complexion of actual zombies, like crazed unemployed white supremacist alkie Steve Bannon.  Other times they cover their zombiehood in concealer and face powder.  No matter what though, as soon as they move their lips their inner zombie springs out.

Now Steve Bannon has had no job and no influence for maybe two years now, but that doesn't stop a gaggle of pundits with nothing better to do from quoting this whack job as if he were some sort of political savant, rather than a flesh-eating meth-snorting lunatic with a degree from Harvard Business School.

Here's a recent example from the New York Times in which Steve Bannon along with a couple of zombie neocons (more on them later) is now advocating, in addition to fascism and white supremacy, war with China:

Mr. Bannon was just off the plane from Rome, with a slight shadow of a mustache and his silver hair brushed back. Clad in a black button-down and long black suit jacket, he thumped the podium as he described China as a rising power and the United States as a declining power that would inevitably clash.
 
“This is the defining event of our time, and 100 years from now, this is what they’re going to remember us for,” he said.

Someone should break it to him that 100 years from now no one will remember wtf Bannon is, unless he is still roaming the hotel function rooms of Washington in search of human flesh or at least a full breakfast buffet. And the wardrobe description is a nice touch, if only because zombies are not generally known as snappy dressers.

What if anything he knows about the economic and other issues relevant to any considered judgment about the complex and fraught U.S. – China relationship could be held in a thimble with plenty of room for two grams of crank, but that didn't stop the Times from quoting him in extenso. Elsewhere zombie Bannon is in demand as a political pundit, notwithstanding the collapse of his electoral strategy in the last election.

Here's he's trying to troll-bait the Democrats with a proposal that Michelle Obama run against U Bum next year:

Why is he spouting this drivel?  You choose: (a)  he's throwing shade on the existing impressive Democratic field, several of whom have already polled well ahead of the Racist-in-Chief, (b) he's stoking the racism of the Trumpublican base, or (c) he managed to wrangle a free lunch at The Palm out of Bloomberg's Jennifer Dlouhy.

(Note to Jennifer: I don't know you but I will say anything you want for a Palm rib-eye and I have a heartbeat.  Maybe the Democrats should draft Beyonce to run?  Can I get the shrimp cocktail too?)

Over at The Washington Post the normally incisive and tough-minded Catherine Rampell takes up the cause of another unemployed zombie former U Bum kisser, Anthony Scaramucci.  You may recall that 8900 lies and 300 scandals ago, this finagler and eager consumer of Bolivian exports was appointed Chief of  Staff to the Grifter-in-Chief but 11 days later given the chop because he was too incompetent to work for President U Bum. Considering the caliber of the nitwits and grifters who populate the current Administration, you have to admit that's no small achievement.

Since his political death, Scaramucci has been running around cable TV offering his opinions to anyone who will offer him a mike or a line.  And why should anyone care what this zombie thinks about the current predicament in which his country finds itself thanks to the efforts of rich putzes like him?

According to Ms. Rampell,  

Unlike some of Trump’s disowned, fiercely loyal attack dogs — his former attorney Cohen, say, or former adviser Stephen K. Bannon — Scaramucci is charming, likeable, a happy warrior. His shtick has been about making the optimistic case for Trump, urging the president to emphasize uplift of the Forgotten Man rather than fear and racism. 

Unless the Forgotten Man is buried in the Bedford Falls Cemetery, we don't think Scaramucci has done much to lift him or any living being up,  Neither of course has the grifting corrupt President, whose entire Administration has been one long thieves' banquet for the rich, seasoned with extra-spicy racism for the base.

The column is actually a cautionary tale about what happens to anyone who get near the Tangerine-Faced Grifter.  Hint: you end up gray, decomposing, hungry for human flesh and at worst reduced to questioning the ethnic background of reporters in the White House driveway.

But the question stands:  why should anyone care what Mooch the Zombie thinks when they could quote Elizabeth Warren?

In any event, we don't have the time or the stomach to cite all the Republican zombies haunting America's airwaves, even if they're as winsome as Bill Weld in his eternal search for Republican voters to eat.  Based on the latest polling, he's not doing that well, although he does appear to be adequately slaking his thirst for amber-color fluids.

And don't get us started on the whole subspecies of zombies who rose out of the graveyard of the George W. Bush administration.  Five years of bloody war and torture for no good purpose have failed to slake their appetite for human flesh, so they're trying to feast on U Bum's saggy bronze ass.  Although Billy and Ricky and Max and Ana and Toronto Dave managed to take a few bites, we still think they and we would be better off were they to return to their crypts and STFU.

Unlike harmless zombies like Scaramucci, they fully expect to once again roam the corridors of power, devouring all who dare to question why we are not engaged in permanent war against opponents as piddling as Iran.

War with Iran or  (Bannon's current meal ticket) China?  Unlike these zombies, that's something that keeps us up at night.

Update 2027 Washington time Aug. 13, 2019:  They just keep on coming!