Saturday, September 21, 2019

News from Zontar: no high crimes here either

Editors' Note: Every often the Spy Deep Space Desk receives transmissions from the planet Zontar in the Remulac system, millions of light years from Earth.  It's often hard to make sense of these garbled transmissions but we present them so that you the reader can get an idea of what alien life is like in the far reaches of the universe.  This week, apparently due to a break in the Deep Space-Time Continuum, we are in fact getting dispatches from the future from Zontar.  Amazing isn't it?  Yes, there is still much we don't know about – [They get the set up – Ed.]

Zontar date #hs45g9007 [equivalent to November 1, 2019]

WASHINGTON, D.Z. – A second intelligence whistleblower has told the The New Zork Times that Prezident Donald Z. Trump has shared the nuclear missile launch codes with Ruzzian Strongman Vladimirz Putin.  According to these reports, the Prezident offered to share the launch codes so that Putin could use them to threaten his neighbor Zukraine.

In response the White House said, “So what if he did?  The President can share nuclear launch codes or anything else because he is a very stable genius.”

Pressed by NBZ News Correspondent Krizten Zelker if the President really thought that sharing top-secret nuclear information with the nation's leading nuclear-armed adversary was really in the best interests of the country, the President said, “That's a stupid disgusting question and you're a filthy liar who whores herself out to sailors for nickels.  Lots of people are saying that.”

The accusations against the veteran NBZ News Correspondent were greeted by the White House Press Corps with shocked silence.  Later, in a diner outside of Zenia, Ohio, retired mall cop Jim Clark said, “That's what I like about the President.  When you hit him, he hits back twice as hard.”

Reaction on Capitol Hill to the latest revelations was divided along partisan lines.  House Speaker Nanzy Pelozi called for Congress to outlaw sharing nuclear launch codes with foreign governments.  But staunch supporters of the President continued to defend him.  “The Democrats should end this witch hunt and join us in cutting Social Security,” said Congressman and former wrestling coach Zim Zordan of Ohio.

Not all Republicans endorsed the President's actions.  Before leaping in front of a moving Capitol subway car to avoid reporters, Sen. Suzan Collinz of Maine said she was “disappointed” to hear of the President's actions and that comparing news correspondents to prostitutes “was something we shouldn't do.”

Zontar date #hs45g90a2 [equivalent to December 15, 2019]

Charges that the President shot a man in Reno
have Democrats on the defensive

According to a report in today's Zontarian Post, a whistleblower in the Nevada State Police's criminal investigation unit has discovered that the same night then-busto developer Donald Z. Trump banged porn star Stormy Danielz at a Lake Tahoe resort, he later drove into the nearby city of Reno and shot a man just to watch him die.

In response, the President's Nevada legal team broke off their ambulance chase and headed into Federal Court demanding that the judge block disclosure of any information related to the alleged slaying, including, according to the Post account, video recordings, ballistics evidence, and a confession Trump allegedly made later that night to Danielz when he stopped by her room to buy her silence with a cool $20.

The President's lead counsel, Rudi Zuliani, in a rambling interview on ZNN Cable News, denied that the President was in Reno that night or any night and even if he was, he was within his rights to be there.  He said the real question was why former Vice President Zo Biden was seen conferring with a man known to have had frequent contacts with Putin and other foreign dictators.  Asked by ZNN if the man in question was former President Zarack Obama, Zuliani said, “No he wasn't.  Of course he was.”

Republicans generally dismissed the story as “nothing new.”  “We've been hearing reports for years that the President has murdered people or ordered them killed for years, and it's just the same old fake news,”  said Senate Majority Leader Mitz McConnell.  “Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to meet my wife for a nooner, which is something that I enjoy on a regular basis,” he said, before pulling his head back inside his shell.

Democrats called for a full investigation into the new charges, and said that if President did not comply, they were likely to send scores of angry Tweets.  House Speak Pelozi called for new laws to prevent Presidents from killing a man in Reno just to watch him die, or for any other reason not legitimately related to national security.

Zontar date #hs45g0a15 [equivalent to April 4, 2020]

The mystery over the sudden disappearance of more than 100 Dalmatian puppies from the Animal Rescue League of Palm Beach County deepened on Sunday when the President was spotted playing golf at one of his busto golf courses wearing pants that appeared to have been stitched from the skins of Dalmatians.

According to The New Zork Times, their ace White House Correspondent, Mazzie Zaberman, asked the President if he was wearing leisure wear made from the hides of murdered puppies.  The President responded that if he did, he would be within his rights and said his golf attire was “pitch-perfect.”  He then called Ms. Zaberman “a cheap skank who chases after troop ships.”  In a statement, New Zork Times editor Zean Zaket denied that his reporter was a cheap skank who chases after troop ships, and called the President's rhetoric “not ideal.”  Sources close to the President's daughter Zivanka said she was troubled by the remark.

Do swing-state voters care about
puppy murder charges against President?
On Schlox News, former White House Press Secretary Zarah Zanders termed the allegations “fake news from the pro-puppy lobby.”  She said real Americans support the right of the President to wear whatever clothes he wants, and to kick his ball back on to the fairway in the exercise of executive privilege.

Asked if this latest Presidential outrage would finally be sufficient to warrant impeachment, Speaker Pelozi said, “The Democratic House has a strong pro-puppy agenda that it will pursue aggressively.”

On the Senate side, Republican statesman Wilfred Z. Romney said, “Speaking of dogs, have I told you I like the hot dog?”

While some members of the media believe that the puppy-skinning charge may be an “inflection point” in the endless impeachment debate. New Zork Times columnist David Brookz reminded his readers that Democrats were calling for single-payer health care so both sides were responsible for the current political climate.

The latest controversy does not appear to be hurting the President with the billionaires he depends on to finance his re-election bid.  Said hedge fund mogul Steven Z.  Zwartzman, “He can skin, chop up, and eat puppies all day long, but unlike Elizabeth Zarren he's not going to raise my taxes!”

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