Friday, April 24, 2020

SPONSORED CONTENT - An open letter from Jeff Bezos to his peons

The Massachusetts Spy is made possible by a generous grant from the 
Jeff Bezos Charitable Foundation

An open letter to my peons, from 
your boss and idol, Jeff Bezos

Hello down there!

It is I, Jeff Bezos, taking time from my busy schedule of hobnobbing with French Presidents and wranglin' dogies on my manly West Texas ranch, to reach out to you, my loyal workers (not to mention the many independent contractors who deliver for us without me having to be responsible for their health and welfare in any way, shape, or form)!

By the way, I am sending this important message to you as a blog post so that you can read it on your own time, not mine.  Waiting in line for mandatory security inspections (for which you are not paid) is an excellent time to read of my concern for each and every one of you!

I know that many of you will be relieve to hear that in light of the current crisis I have decided to return to day-to-day management of the company that I control absolutely.  Already the results are gratifying.  Since my return, the value of my controlling position in Amazon has increased by $25,000,000,000.  To which I can only say: thank you.

The reality is that I could not have trousered this truly insane amount of money (tax free, because we do not have a Communistic wealth tax in this great and glorious land of ours) without the help of each and every one of you.

You have made me the insanely rich plutocrat I am today.  You have allowed yourself to be placed at the bottom of a ruthless hierarchy of money and power, free from the protections that previous generations of industrial workers enjoyed, including labor unions and a government that believed it had a duty to protect workers from the rapacity of business owners like yours truly.

Thank God those days are over!  Today, I and my minions can fire any of you at any time for any reason (or for no reason at all) and you have absolutely no say in the matter.  I can drive down your wages and benefits below poverty levels.  I can work you like galley slaves until you drop from injury and exhaustion.  Had you voted for union representation and a Democratic President and Congress none of this would have been possible.  But you didn't and here we are!

And that was before the coronavirus pandemic, which is ravaging our country and my warehouses.  I know many of you are suffering.  I am too, despite the $25 billion I shoved into my manly jeans.  I can't lecture the President of France in person.  I can't eat at Carbone's and other swell restaurants.  I can't even get an interplanetary woodie watching one of my rockets take off in person.

But enough about me. Let's talk about you.  You're working harder than ever in my sweatshops [Surely, warehouses – Adv't Mgr.]  because our business is booming.

And because of all that money I'm making, we can't afford niceties like the social distancing prescribed by public health professionals and practiced by everyone I know personally, even those who are only modestly affluent.

I have personally instructed my executives to rustle up some masks for your churls, as reported in the competition (also known as The New York Times – but click here [Intern – insert link] for a great offer on digital subscriptions to my Washington Post!):

On March 21, Mr. Bezos sent a rare letter to all of Amazon’s employees, which the company immediately posted on its blog. He said the company had ordered millions of face masks for workers, though few of those orders had been filled.

Of course, our failure to provide those masks didn't absolve you of your absolute responsibility to show up for work no matter how unsafe the conditions.

That's why I was so surprised when I toured one of my grocery stores earlier this month and saw that you ignorant wage slaves were not wearing masks.  I ordered you to don them at once!  No need to thank me!

If you simple peasants don't know enough to wear masks, how can you expect me to treat you like sentient human beings?  Instead, I will ruthlessly crush and then smear anyone who dares to question the dangerous working conditions in which they work.  Hint: if the fired employee is described as “not that articulate,” “burly,” and “uppity,” you'll know what I mean!

You can rest assured that aside from requiring you to wear hot, uncomfortable masks as you race around my warehouses fetching crap, I will do nothing further for you.  I will, like my fellow Masters of the Universe, pursue farfetched schemes involving things I know nothing about, like medical research and epidemiology.

Just kidding!  I'm pleased to announce that all Amazon employees from this day forward will be entitled to a 25% discount, plus free shipping, on all body bags intended for personal or family use!  It's the Amazon way of saying Good-Bye!

One box will bury the whole family – Jeff

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