Editors' Note: With the Russian invasion of Ukraine now in its second month and no end in sight, every media outlet is trotting out their own doddering white man and former general to pontificate on the military situation and offer their analysis on what each side should be doing. As usual, the Spy outdoes them all with its distinguished military expert. Please stand up and salute Spy expert commentator and former General-in-Chief of the United States Army at its most desperate hour, Gen. George McClellan, who was interviewed in his modest 22-room home in bucolic West Orange, New Jersey by our intern Louise.
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| The military genius |
TMS: Gen. McClellan, it's a pleasure and an honor to drink in your military genius.
GM: Yes, it is. Speaking of drinking in, George, please fetch me a double Chivas rocks and a root beer for this young girl.
TMS: Thank you, General. Actually I am of legal drinking age. But let's get right to it. Based on your strategic genius and legendary command experience, how do you assess the military situation in Ukraine now?
GM: From a strategic perspective, the battle space can only be described as fluid. Or confused. Or in flux.
TMS: But surely the war has not gone as the Russians have predicted. What happened?
GM: The Russians made the classic mistake of underestimating their adversary. As I often told that meddling amateur Abe Lincoln, one must have at least a 10:1 advantage before invading enemy territory. Anything less is inviting disaster.
TMS: What about the Ukrainian Army?
GM: It is highly motivated and fast-moving, with a decentralized command-and-control structure that allows it to respond to the ever-changing demands of war.
TMS: How important is motivation?
GM: It is impossible to overestimate the importance of a cause. Men will fight tenaciously when they believe in their cause, whether it be defense of their homeland or the right to enslave other people with a different skin color.
TMS: You mention men, but many Ukrainian troops are women. Surely they too will fight fiercely for their nation?
GM: Women are too emotional to serve in war. That's why I wouldn't let so-called women nurses accompany the troops. When that bastard Lincoln overruled me, I sulked in my tent for weeks. That showed him.
TMS: Let's talk about weapons. Has the Ukrainian Army used its U.S. supplied weapons well?
GM: Nothing is more important than equipping your Army, even if it takes two years before the army is ready to fight.
TMS: Of course the Ukrainian Army didn't have that luxury. They had to fight off the invaders.
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| The Army is no place for a lady, says our expert |
GM: Who's the military genius here, young lady?
TMS: You are, Rock of Antietam.
GM: And don't you forget it. Now where were we? Ah yes, George, another Chivas rocks.
TMS: Your butler introduced himself to me as Reginald.
GM: Details. But back to the weapons. The Ukrainian Army has taken full advantage of U.S. supplied weapons through hit and run tactics and ambushes, just like that damned Bobby Lee.
TMS: Do you think the U.S. should supply fighter jets?
GM: Absolutely. You cannot tie the hands of your troops by denying them the weapons they need to win. Fighter jets would permit the Ukrainian Air Force to devastate Russian armor and play havoc with their supply lines.
TMS: What about the argument that supplying fighters would lead to a wider war?
GM: You make a good point. There is a fine line between courage and rashness.
TMS: And one you never crossed, Gen'l McClellan.
GM: Damned right, if you'll forgive the oath.
TMS: Let's turn to the Russian Army. What went wrong?
GM: They lacked strategic cohesion and decentralized command-and-control.
TMS: Aren't those things contradictory? How can you be cohesive if each commander can do what they want?
GM: That's just what I told that ignorant buffoon Abe Lincoln. How could I march to Richmond unless the Army of the Ohio cleared the enemy out of east Tennessee?
TMS: What do you make of Russian tactics?
GM: They have used a blunderbuss when a stiletto would have been more effective. At the same time they have failed to concentrate their forces at the decisive point.
TMS: And what is the decisive point?
GM: Why clearly the Ukrainian capital. Also the Eastern regions. And the Black Sea coast. That is where the decisive battle must be fought.
TMS: Isn't that pretty much the whole country?
GM: A wise commander overlooks nothing, child.
TMS: What is your assessment of Russian troops?
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| Our expert warns: this is what happens when you cross the Potomac [Surely, Dneiper? – Ed.] too soon |
GM: They are ill-equipped, ill-led, and ill-informed. You can't win a war with a rabble like that. You need well-drilled, well-equipped, highly-motivated divisions. I would have been ready to win the war in '64, had I not been stabbed in the back by Stanton, Seward, and Lincoln.
TMS: Yes, well, let's go back to the Ukrainian War. How do you see the war going forward?
GM: The dynamics of a kinetic battlefield are difficult to predict. The Russian Army has the advantage of numbers and equipment. They may redeploy to the east or to the south or on the other hand they may rest and refit and once again try to take Kyiv. Only time will tell.
TMS: Do you think their onslaught on civilian targets like Mariupol will lead the Russians to victory?
GM: The massive Russian attacks on civilian targets are taking their toll. But what civilians like you fail to recognize is wars are decided on the battlefield, so these decisions must be left to military commanders.
TMS: Do you think Putin is interfering with his commanders?
GM: What else could explain the disastrous performance of the Russian Army? If I had commanded that army, I would have been in Richmond by summer.
TMS: You mean Kyiv?
GM: No, I mean Richmond. Stay focused, little girl.
TMS: Thank you, General McClellan.
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