News from Zontar: Key midterm races

Editors’ Note: Every so often the Spy Deep Space Desk gets a transmission from the mysterious planet of Zontar, located in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years from Earth. The planet is apparently populated by a race of intelligent alien life forms whose communications, while largely incomprehensible to those of us here, may shed some light, however dim and distant, on the thought patterns of these bizarre creatures. In the spirit of cosmic understanding, we present a recent signal received from – [They get the drift – Ed.]

By Dan Balls
Zontarian Post Political Editor

With the midterm elections in the United States of Zontar only four weeks away, it now appears that the result will turn on closely contested elections in key states. 

Our Zontarian Post Political Team has had its ear to the breakfast specials in key diners across the USZ and reports on these critical races, all of which could go either way.

Georzhia: In this key state, the Democratic incumbent, Albert Schweitzer, is a Nobel Prize winning physician and priest who has spent his life providing health care to the poor and underprivileged in his state.

The Republican candidate is not an astronaut

His opponent is former Georzhia football star Herzhel Raver, who has caused concerns among Republican pros due to his sometimes bizarre antics on the campaign trail.

In his only debate with Schweitzer, Raver claimed that he had been a policeman, an astronaut, and a movie star, and to buttress his claims, donned sunglasses, a space helmet, and a tin star.  Raver's campaign has also been dogged by allegations that he has neglected and abandoned his 87 illegitimate children and paid for multiple abortions for women he had impregnated, although he has frequently claimed that abortion is murder.

His defenders cite his exuberant personality: “He's just bubbling over with life and he wants to share it with everyone,” said his campaign manager Shaw Vellingit.  “In any event, if you want to stop the radical Socialist Democrats from allowing hordes of aliens from the Tudarc system to destroy the USZ way of life, Raver's the man.”

In rural Georzhia, patrons of local diners are sticking with their bacon-fried sausage and their candidate.  They cite Raver's strong support of Republicanz leader Donald Drumpf.  “He's pro-Drumpf and that's good enough for me,” said average Republican mom Phylliz Zhlafley.

Arizona: Unlike Georzhia, there is a real astronaut on the ballot in Arizona: incumbent Senator Zach Boom, perhaps best known for a daring rescue of a sick astronaut from the International Space Station in the midst of a Borg attack.

Threeway, at left, has been dogged by her past.

Boom is opposed by well-known TV personality Tessa Threeway, who has announced the winning lotto numbers in Arizona for years.  She has launched fiery attacks on Boom, whom she calls “an enemy of Christian civilization and a pedophile,” without providing any evidence to support such accusations.

She also has attached herself to former President Drumpf and urged him to retake the White House, by force if necessary.

Although she styles herself a guardian of family values and opposes abortion, birth control, gay rights, and any sex education in the schools other than her trademarked slogan “Hit It With A Shoe,” her campaign hit a bump when it was revealed that in addition to her lotto career, she has spent many years as a porn star, including her long-running video series “Tessa Tongues Tuscon.”

While Boom has been careful not to directly attack Threeway, some moderate suburban women have been turned off by the idea of being represented in the Senate by an adult film star.  On the other hand, the disclosures may have helped widen her lead with Arizona men who say that they appreciate a candidate “who has nothing to hide.”

Zoo Hampshire.  Thousands of parsecs away on the ice planet Zoo Hampshire, there's another close race between incumbent Senator Thereza Mutter, the Democrat, and her challenger, former Space Patrol Admiral Bat Guano.

Is Gen. Guano too extreme for Zoo Hampshire?

Mutter, who had formerly served on the USZ Zupreme Court after a distinguished career as a professor of Constitutional Law, has had to confront Republicanz charges that she is “pro-murder” because she once defended someone accused of a crime.

However, Guano has faced criticism for being “too extreme” for ZH voters due to his propose to execute women who have abortions and to drown undocumented aliens from other systems in the deep waters of Lake Rufkinkiddinme.

Further footage of Guano having a private dinner with the USZ's chief alien enemy, the twelve-tentacled supremo of the Sybaron system, Zadomir Putin, may have damaged his campaign.  The video shows Guano handing over a large envelope and in return getting a bar of Sybaronite Gold from an obviously pleased Putin.  

Guano's defenders have called the meeting “purely a social dinner,” and said that any true USZ patriot would bow down to Putin in exchange for galactic peace.

However, Guano is helped by the rising price of energy crystals in ZH, which are needed over the winter when temperatures fall to within a degree of absolute zero.   Some pundits believe that pocketbook issues like these will be more important to shivering ZH voters than a distant meeting involving people of whom they know nothing.

Pennzylvania:  This race looked to be among the best Democratic pickup opportunities until Republicanz managed to recruit the superstar of magnetic healing, Dr. Drownit DeVil.  Dr. DeVil, known for his ubiquitous appearances hawking his curative magnets, stumbled out of the gate when it became known that he had never set foot in Pennzylvania until he announced his candidacy.

The Republican candidate killed these puppies

He is opposed by long-time Pennzylvania Gov. Whit Provalone, who first gained fame by leading the hapless Ziladelphia Igglez to their first Galaxy Bowl championship.  Later Gov. Provalone led the fight to provide free health care and cheese steaks to all Pennzylvanians, ensuring his popularity.

In recent weeks, the campaign has been jolted by revelations that Dr. DeVil had killed and tortured hundreds of adorable  puppies in testing his magnetic healing devices.  Gruesome footage showing the agonized yowls of the animals has been prominently displayed in Democratic TV ads airing across the state.

In response, the Republicanz have launched their own ad blitz blaming Gov. Provalone for each and every felony committed in the state over the past eight years.  The ads, featuring tag line “Protect people, not puppies” are thought to have resonated with swing voters in key suburbs and smaller cities.

Where the Republican candidate killed a man

Zevada: The final key race is in this desert planet, known for its wide-open acceptance of pretty much any vice known to the galaxy.  The Republican candidate, Zhonny Cazh, has a carefully-cultivated image as a hard-drinkin' hard-fightin' country boy, which has played well with independent-minded Zevada voters. 

However, Cazh's campaign was stunned by accusations that during his years as a cocaine addict, which ended three months ago, he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.  The Democrats have made the case that this should disqualify him from serving in the USZ Senate, but Republicanz have rallied around the tousled candidate.

“He has sought forgiveness and embraced Jesus Christ, and that's the important thing. Also he was suffering from a concussion at the time.  We need to focus on the real issue in this election, which is the menace of radical Socialism, and not on trivia like how many murders Cazh may or may not have committed,” said Republicanz operative Charles Manson.