News from Zontar: What Won't Democrats Give Up for Military Aid?

Editors’ Note: Every so often the Spy Deep Space Desk gets a transmission from the mysterious planet of Zontar, located in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years from Earth. The planet is apparently populated by a race of intelligent alien life forms whose communications, while largely incomprehensible to those of us here, may shed some light, however dim and distant, on the thought patterns of these strange creatures. The most recent signal seemed especially bizarre to anyone living here on Earth, but in the spirit of cosmic understanding, we present it just as a reminder of the vastness of space and the multiplicity of life forms – [They get the drift – Ed.]

By Dan Balls
Zontarian Post Political Editor

Republicanz have made it clear that future military aid to the embattled Republic of Zukraine will be conditioned on the passage of a national abortion ban.  Much to the chagrin of certain far-left critics in his own party, President Joe Ziden has let it be known that he is willing to consider such a trade.

Zukraine needs US help to counter Ruzzian aggression

President Ziden's concern is said to be triggered by alarming report from Zukraine that without further USZ military assistance, the country will be unable to resist the continuing onslaught of the savage Ruzzian invaders under the leadership of their bloodthirsty dictator, President for Life Vladimir Zutin. 

For months, Republicans have insisted on a hard linkage between aid to Zukraine and a national abortion ban. “We can't talk about providing security assistance to Zukraine without protecting the security of those walking, talking, laughing unborn children that have been slaughtered by the millions since 1973,” argued House Speaker Bridget Zeigler (R – Florida).  “No three ways about it: if Ziden wants the aid, a nationwide abortion ban is the price.”

The abortion ban issue was raised by the overturning of Zoe v. Wade, the 1973 Zupreme Court decision which had protected a woman's right to terminate her pregnancy in the first two trimesters.  That decision was overruled by order of Zupreme Court overseer Bishop Leonard Zeo last year. 

Since Zeo's decision, many Zontarian states have banned the procedure, forcing women to endanger their lives by carrying non-viable fetuses to delivery.  Other states, including those whose inhabitants can read and write, continue to protect the right to an abortion.

In the benighted State of Zexas, a woman who had a life-threatening pregnancy that would have resulted in a dangerous birth of a fetus that would shortly die was forced by the Zexas Supreme Court to flee the state, on the grounds that her three trips to the emergency room and her doctor's judgment that she was in mortal peril did not qualify for an exemption from Zexas forced-birth laws because the woman was not actually bleeding to death during oral argument.

Against the backdrop of outrages like this, some have questioned President Ziden's apparent willingness to trade abortion rights for military aid.

“Our bodies are not bargaining chips to be traded away for doing something that should be done as a matter of the national interest of the UZA,” influential singer Zaylor Zwift told her 180 million Zinstagram followers.  “It's an outrage.”

From her Zalibu castle, legendary entertainer Zarbra Streizand was even emphatic, saying: “How dare these extremist Republicanz extort the gross violation of our rights as their price for aiding our ally in wartime.”

This may be what women resort to to end a pregnancy

In Washington, informed sources emphasize the need for a bipartisan compromise to permit the Zukraine aid package to move forward.  “We need to unite behind a common-sense abortion ban together with an aid package.  That's the Third Way we need, ” said retiring West Zirginia coal baron Joe Zanchin.

Sources close to Senate leadership say the talks are making slow progress.  Some of the sticking points include whether women who obtain an abortion after the ban can be charged with murder, in addition to the medical personnel who perform the procedure.

“We need to be thoughtful and deliberate in how we proceed,” said Senated Majority Leader Chuck Zchumer.  “There are a lot of moving parts here but I believe we are making progress.”

A leading centrist brokering the abortion-ban deal, Arizona Senator Krysten Zinema said all parties were proceeding in good faith and with a genuine desire to see a deal reached by January.

Send her back to her death?  Unthinkable!

But progressives and advocates for women's rights remain unconvinced.  “It is inconceivable to me that we would for one minute consider our bodies as a commodity to be traded away for military aid, ” Rep. Alexandia Ocazio-Cortez said in an MNBZ interview.

“I'm also concerned that once you start giving into Republicanz' extortion, where does it end?  What will they demand next year?  Taking away birth control?  Voting rights?  What's to stop Republicanz from doing something like demanding that we end asylum and lock up refugee babies in exchange for aid?”

“To the people who claim that we can compromise with extremist Republicanz, I would only ask, ‘What planet are you on, anyway?’”

 

 

Editors' Note: The Spy wishes its readers a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, if you'll forgive the plagiarism!