Editors’ Note: Every so often the Spy Deep Space Desk gets a transmission from the mysterious planet of Zontar, located in the Remulac galaxy millions of light years from Earth. The planet is populated by a race of intelligent alien life forms whose communications, while largely incomprehensible to those of us here, may shed some light, however dim and distant, on the thought patterns of these bizarre creatures. Over the past week we have gotten a series of transmissions from this faraway planet about an election on Zontar and its aftermath. After our crack team figured out the bizarre Zontarian calendar (which appears to be based upon an advanced version of the Tesla self-driving algorithm), we were able to put the transmissions into some sort of order, but given that the election actually took place 634,000,000 years ago, what difference does it make if we got the order wrong? [OK, they get the setup – Ed.]
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᔲᔳᔴᔵᕘᕙᕤᕥ
After several suspenseful days, it appears that Deputy Supremo Zamala Harris has managed to eke out a narrow victory over her challenger, former Supremo Donald R. Drumpf. Although she won the soul-counted voted by several billion, her margins in the Zontarian College were much narrower. She won the key landforms of Zennsylvania, Wizzconzin, and Arithona by fewer than 20,000 votes. Drumpf, as predicted, has refused to concede and has called his motley crew to prepare for battle at his luxurious death star, Zaralago.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᔲᔳᔴᔵᕘᕙᐐᑄ
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| Zormy Daniels brought down former Supremo Drumpf |
Former Supremo Drumpf has unleashed his followers on an all-out attack on the Zontarian Capitol in an effect to stop Supremo Elect Zamala Harris from taking office. Although he himself was unable to lead his forces into battle due to a chronic hair condition, his hordes tried to invade the Capitol, where they were stopped by crack forces of the Zontarian Guard. The routed Drumpf invaders were forced to retreat to a Zooters located in the distant swamps of the Zorida Wastelands.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᐖᑲᔲᔳᔴᔵᕘᕙ
Under heavy Zontarian Guard, President Zamala Harris is inaugurated in the Zontarian Capitol Dome. Although several former Supremos attended the gala event (as well as luminaries such as Zeyonce, Zoprah, and Zendaya), the peaceful transfer of power was marred by Drumpf's sullen refusal to attend.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᐔᔲᔳᔴᔵᕘᕙ
Former Supremo Donald Drumpf is sentenced to 32 years in jail for his fraud conviction related to payments to former intergalactic porn star Zormy Daniels.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᔵᕘᑏᑮᑥᔳᔴᔵ
Supremo Harris signs legislation giving ordinary Zontarians 25,000 Zontarian zitcoins to purchase starter asteroids. She also announces that she will continue to send arms, including starfighters, to Zontar's Zukrainian allies, locked in a bitter war against their Ruzzian invaders.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᐫᑨᑮᑥ
Former Supremo Drumpf goes on trial at the Zontarian Capitol Dome on charges arising out of his effort to overthrow the Government of Zontar. After four days of trial, he is convicted on all counts and sentenced to 20 years on the desolate rat-infested penal colony of Kweenz.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᐫᑨᑥᔳᔵᕘ
Supremo Harris announces that after intensive mediation, she has brokered a deal to end the bloody conflict in Azag, ensuring the release of all Zisraeli hostages and protection for the lives of the indigenous Azagan population.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᐫᑨᑥᔳᔵ
In a sudden and dramatic turn of events, former Supremo Drumpf was rushed to the hospital having suffered a massive stroke caused by over-consumption of fried foods. Drumpf's lawyers tell all courts in which charges are pending against him that he is much too sick to proceed any further with his trials.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᐕᐧᑥ
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| Drumpf's former lawyer Zudi Zooliani was found dead in this dumpster |
Even more bad news for allies of the former Supremo when it was revealed that his former lawyer, Zudi Zooliani was found dead on Zatin Island, having suffocated in a dumpster in which he had dived, apparently looking for food.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔵᑴᔳᔵᕘ
A Zorzia judge orders former Supremo Drumpf to be examined by independent physicians, having rejected as inadequate a two-sentence evaluation signed by Dr. Fil.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᐫᑨᑥᔳᔵᕘ
Supremo Harris signs into law legislation protecting the rights of all Zontarian women to decide for themselves what to do with respect to their own reproductive systems.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᕘᑨᐫᑄᑄ
The physicians appointed by the Zorzia Court report that Drumpf, while showing signs of what they called moderate to severe dementia, is nonetheless able to stand trial.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᐫᑨ
The jury in the Zorzia case finds Drumpf guilty on all counts relating to his efforts to overturn the Zorzia election, and the judge sentences him to an additional 20 years, the time to be served in a notoriously tough private Zorzia prison known as “Mama's Place.”
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᐫᑨ
Supremo Zamala signs into law a bill that provides free child care, financed by projected revenues from a larger workforce and higher taxes on ultra-rich Zontarians worth more than 100 million zitcoins.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᔳᔵ
Drumpf appears at his trial on charges of fomenting insurrection in a short white bathrobe, in an effort to persuade the judge that he is unfit to stand trial. He interrupts the proceedings repeatedly, telling the judge that he is the duly elected Supremo of Zontar and sentencing the judge to galactic exile.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᑨᑥᔵᕘ
After long debate, the Zongress sends to Supremo Zamala an appropriations bill that funds most of her key priorities, including expanding health and child care subsidies, and massive new investments in infrastructure such as housing and high-speed rail, financed by a tax on private rocketships, ketamine, and steroids.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᐫᑨ
Former Supreme Donald Drumpf, still wearing his ketchup-stained bathrobe, is convicted on charges of fomenting insurrection against the lawful Government of Zontar. When the jury delivers its verdict, he shouts, “I'm still big; it's the universe that got small.”
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᐬᑫᑫ
The Zontarian Department of Justice buys Drumpf's bankrupt Zaralago death star, intending to turn it into a penal institution for elderly prisoners, which will enable demented convicted criminals like Drumpf to live out their final days in dignity.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᔵᕘᐬ
Following two years of peace and prosperity Supremo Zamala's Zenocratic Party sweeps the midterm elections. As a result, four new members are added to the Zontarian Supreme Court, thereby ending the tyranny of Justice Zalito.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᔳᔵᑥᔳᔵᕘ
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| Z.D. Vontz succeeds Zamala as Supremo |
Saying that the climate on Zontar had become intolerable, Zontar's wealthiest man, Zelon, blasts off into deep space to found a space colony that will recognize his true genius and is never heard from again.
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᔳᔵᑥᔳᔵᕘᑮᑥ
The Zontarian Prison System reported that former Supremo Donald Drumpf died on his golden throne on Zaralago, having choked to death on a piece of Zentucky Fried Chicken. His loving wife Zelania said “What a terrible loss. Chuck him into the canal.”
Zontar Date ᔰᔱᑏᑮᑥᔳᔵᕘᖝᖔ
Former Zontarian Senator Z.D. Vontz is elected Supremo, stating that Zamala and the Zenocrats were out of touch with the concerns of average Zontarians, including concern about recent arrivals from a primitive planet known as “Urth.”
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