Dispatches from the War Fronts
V-ICE DAY!
UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!
Mad King's troops withdraw in disgrace!
MINNESOTA CELEBRATES VICTORY; STARTS REBUILDING
By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur with
Minnesota Bureau Chief Murray Slaughter
MINNEAPOLIS – Mad King Occupation Army Commander-in-Chief Tom Homan unconditionally surrendered to Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz Thursday at 12 midnight, Minnesota War Time.
 |
| The Mad King's rabble surrendered in droves |
Gov. Walz announced that he had accepted Homan's unconditional surrender and the bag of cash Homan tendered to him. In accordance with the Midwest customs of war, Gov. Walz returned the bag to Homan, who retreated to the Mad King's Mar-a-Lago headquarters in disgrace.
News of the unconditional surrender was greeted with cautious optimism by the long-suffering residents of the Twin Cities. At first, the terrorized populace remained in their homes, still fearing attacks by the undisciplined rabble that constituted the Mad King's Army of Occupation.
As word of the surrender sunk in, the people cautiously emerged, blowing their whistles no longer in warning, but in triumph.
The normally-impassive Minnesotans took the streets proclaiming, “Hey, this is pretty good” and bringing out their victory hot pots brimming with kielbasa and melted Velveeta.
The surrender followed months of violent attacks on the defenseless people of the Twin Cities, including the killings of two innocents whose only crime was to nonviolently express their displeasure with the cruel occupation army.
And hundreds of Minnesotans, including many small children kidnapped on their way home from school, remain trapped in the Mad King's gulags located in the wastelands of faraway Texans.
The sneak attack had come without warning or justification. Later, in a futile effort to manufacture a rationale for their naked aggression, the Mad King's flacks and commanders claimed that the war was made necessary by ongoing fraud investigations, which had been successfully prosecuted for years without war crimes. Some of the Mad King's apparatchiks like Attorney General and Mean Girl Pam Bobndi had even suggested ending the war in exchange for Minnesota surrendering their voting lists.
At first the Mad King's undisciplined heavily armed hordes achieved success with their surprise attacks on Minnesotans taking their kids to school or simply driving around trying to carry with their lives.
Having alienated the population with their policy of relentless cruelty and war crimes, the locals responded with a well-organized guerilla war featuring whistles, video cameras, and law suits.
Military commentators noted that the opposition forces wisely avoided rioting and the use of force, thereby making it impossible for the Mad King to invoked martial law and thereby justify wholesale slaughter of the population.
Others commented that the Mad King's ill-trained ill-led ill-clothed forces never had a chance against the united opposition of millions of people. “What a pitiful effort this was to destroy a great city!” one commented.
Another noted that the Mad King's hope to lure the citizens into joining their violent assaults against immigrants were doomed from the start. “This isn't Texas. You can't expect the residents to join a lynching,” they said on background.
 |
| ICE was no match for General Winter |
Many commentators observed that perhaps the strongest ally the people had was “General Winter.” “These untrained clowns didn't have proper winter equipment or training. That's why they were always falling on their asses on the ice and unable to withstand the people opposing them in the freezing streets,” noted one military expert.
But even in victory Minnesotans assessed the damage and the lives that were ruined or lost. Thousands of noncitizens were marched into captivity and their homes destroyed by the Mad King's looters.
“It will take years to recover from this war,” Gov. Walz told his state. “But we will rebuild better than before.”
The brutal war has left Minnesotans with bitter memories of the collaborators in their midst. A number of prominent politicians surprisingly collaborated with the Mad King's occupying forces or at the very least refused to support the brave resistance forces.
These collaborators included many of the state's largest corporations and one of its Senators, Amy “Hot Mess” Klobuchar, who urged Minnesotans to engage in “bipartisan cooperation” with the forces that were killing civilians and kidnapping children on the way home from school.
 |
| Is this Amy Klobuchar's fate? |
Klobuchar, considered a wily politician, is now planning to run for Governor. To do so, she will need to defuse the anger over her lack of support for the resistance in its darkest hours. Historians noted that she is attempting the kind of political reinvention pioneered by French and German collaborators after the Second World War.
The murders and other atrocities committed by the Mad King's forsaken army have led to calls for war crime tribunals. However, most believe that as long as the Mad King rules, there will be no justice for the fallen. “We'll be lucky to get our kidnapped children back,” one resistance leader said.
Some Minnesotans have cautioned that the danger is not over. They note that despite the surrender, the Mad King has thousands of violent stormtroopers at his command, and could always mount a second invasion.
Such a decision would raise further concerns about the Mad King's sanity. But as he sulks in his Mar-a-Lago bunker surrounded by his toadies and fanatics, one thing is clear: as long as the Mad King remains in power, no one in America is safe.
Or for that matter anywhere else.
