Dispatches from the War Fronts
IT IS WAR!
MAD KING ORDERS BOMBS AWAY!
HUGE SUCCESS: ALL EPSTEIN COVERAGE OBLITERATED!
HUNDREDS OF BAD ECONOMIC AND TARIFF STORIES WIPED OUT!
By War Correspondent Douglas MacArthur with
Florida Correspondent Jenny Herk
PALM BEACH, Florida – From his command post overlooking the omelette bar at Merde-a-Lardo, the Mad King today ordered massive airstrikes on anything he could blow up in Iran, in coordination with his fellow despot, Melech for Life Bibi “I funded Hamas” Netanyahu.
Sources close to the club's top-secret massage rooms told the Spy that the results of the lethal attacks on Iran and its innocent population have already exceeded the Mad King's expectations.
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| Coverage successfully obliterated |
“Through his bold long-fingered leadership, the greatest President in the history of the world has totally wiped out all Epstein coverage from America's media,” said highly reliable and not at all drug-addled Steve Bannon.
“Just yesterday the President was being attacked on all cable networks by unfavorable coverage of his ongoing cover-up of his sex crimes against children. Now, that's been destroyed,” he said.
Other sources note that the Mad King was especially concerned about media attacks focusing on the Department of Justice's attempted cover up of FBI interviews with victims of his grotesque sexual assaults. “We couldn't let this go on,” they told the Spy on condition that we would not reveal the identity of speaker Karoline Levitt.
In addition to the utter obliteration of Epstein coverage, the Mad King's minions noted that the unprovoked attacks on Iran have also wiped out many other media targets, including the murder of a disabled Burmese refugee left to die in the cold in upstate New York, the confusion and inflation caused by the Mad King's illegal tariffs, his continued corruption and bribe-taking, and his increasingly demented utterances.
“Thanks to our magnificent military, all of these media targets have been taken out and no longer threaten the Mad King's Golden Age,” boasted clean and sober War Secretary Pete Hegseth in another highly-secure Signal chat (password: 12345). He ordered a celebratory round of Jaeger Bombs for all involved in the operation.
The mood in Israel was almost as ebullient, at least among the toadies and hatemongers in the court of Melech Bibi Netanyahu, if not among the population cowering in shelters, reports Hebraic Affairs Editor A. Cahan in Tel Aviv.
“Our Air Force has wiped out all media coverage of our brutal and pointless occupation in Gaza, as well as the wave of terrorist violence unleashed by extremist settlers against the rightful inhabitants of the West Bank,” said one member of the War Cabinet.
“And any inquiry into Netanyahu's disastrous policy of financing Hamas prior to the October 7 terror attacks has been blasted into smithereens. Happy Purim!” the source added, swinging his gregor.
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| Coverage of Kristi Noem's party plane wiped out! |
Back in Washington, preliminary battlefield assessments suggested that once again the Mad King had succeeded in emasculating Congress, the only branch of government with the Constitutional power to declare war. At the first sound of falling bombs, faithful Mad King taint polishers like confirmed bachelor Lindsay Graham and adoptive father of the year Mike Johnson surrendered to the Mad King's whims.
While there remained isolated pockets of resistance among a few die-hard Democrats, the Mad King's high command, after extensive analysis of the top-secret intelligence contained in their Twitter feed, remained confident that any opposition will be soon mopped up by calls for bipartisan cooperation and turncoat goons like Sen. Jon Fetterman.
Although Iran retains some ability to retaliate against U.S. military installations in the Middle East, Homeland Security Secretary Kristi the Puppy Killer Noem downplayed the possibility of any Iranian attack on the United States. “One minute after they launch a missile, it'll be over, based on my experience,” she explained before retiring to her flying love shack for an “important briefing” from her personal Staff [Surely, Chief of Staff? – Ed.] Corey Lewandowski.
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