Monday, February 22, 2016

Jeb Bush, happy at last

By Magnolia Tangere
Senior Rich and Famous Correspondent

CORAL GABLES, Fla. – Looking out over his staff of ill-paid undocumented aliens clipping his hedges in the Florida sun, former Presidential candidate Jeb “Jeb” Bush sips his Tropicana 50 and exclaims, “It's really just as good as regular orange juice and only half the calories.”

Bush's life, once an endless sprint through greasy New Hampshire diners and forlorn Iowa grange halls, has resumed its leisurely stroll amidst the gardens of pelf that are the Bush birthright.

“I've never seen Jeb seem so content.  He really wasn't at home glad-handing on the campaign trail,” said one close friend who has known the stoop-shouldered aristocrat since their days at Andover, the exclusive Massachusetts prep school.

“Now he can resume the life he always wanted: trading on his family name and connections to earn easy money,” his friend said.

Jeb Bush, happy at home
Indeed, Bush's new life seems to suit him.  He calls out gaily to one of his gardeners, “Hey, Manuel, I don't call that raking up the clippings, do you?”  After receiving a response in Spanish, which Bush is fluent in, the ex-candidate responds, “Oh, sorry, Juan!”

As Bush once noted after one particularly grisly campaign debacle, there are plenty of things he could be doing other than lowering himself by asking unwashed Republicans for the votes he rightly deserved.  Each day, Bush receives a string of hedge fund finaglers, real estate developers, third-rate investment bankers, and busto energy speculators, all hoping to trade on the Bush name to add respectability to their tottering enterprises.

He has already accepted a lucrative managing directorship in Pave the Everglades, a project, co-sponsored by the Koch Brothers and Shelton Adelson, to turn thousands of acres of useless unspoiled swamp into a combination natural gas field and gambling complex.  The only thing standing in the away of this project, according to Jeb, is the current usurper in the White House.

“We have to get over this ridiculous fixation with Washington overregulation that is strangling our economic growth,” Bush said, noting that the project would provide thousands with minimum-wage jobs as blackjack dealers and well drillers.  He said he would be off to Washington the following week to put together what he called a “bipartisan legislative solution” to the roadblock posed by the National Park Act.

As the sprinklers click on, Bush checks his watch and says with a twinkle, “Well, your 15 minutes are up.”

Just then, Jeb's lovely wife Columba strolls out into the garden.  Asked what her reaction was to her husband's new life, she replies charmingly, “I don't have to talk to you people no more.”

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