Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Hot flashes on the campaign trail in N.H.

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

HANOVER, N.H. – Perpetual Green Party Presidential nominee Dr. Jill Stein hit the campaign hustings in New Hampshire looking for a repeat of the 2000 miracle that delivered the Presidency to George W. Bush.
Green Party Presidential nominee Jill Stein banged her
tambourine in New Hampshire this week

The elderly physician and Harvard grad spoke today before an excited throng numbering in the ones outside of the Birkenstock store in this bucolic New England college town.  She said that her years of experience as a Town Meeting Member in Lexington, Mass. gave her a unique perspective into the challenges facing stressed American workers [None whatsoever? – Ed.]

“I believe that American workers are ready for an Administration that stresses the importance of green things and greenitude generally,” said the magna cum laude graduate of Harvard College.  She attacked the Democratic nominee in waiting, Hillary Clinton, as being nothing more than a “tool of big business, big banks, big oil, and all other forms of bigosity.”

She received a warm reception from the crowd made up of what appeared to be her silver-haired contemporaries.  Moonflower Epstein said she drove all the way from her home in Northampton, Mass. in her '67 VW bus to hear what Dr. Stein had to say.  “Jill Stein is really getting me excited.  Is it hot out here or what?  I'm schvitzing my ass off!” she said as she peeled off her caftan.  Behind her the Valley National Bank sign advertised the temperature as 58º.

Buddha Ginsburg, a local carpenter and bong carver who said he was taking a 32-year break between semesters at Hampshire College, also said he was a strong Stein supporter.  “She's the only candidate who is willing to oppose the construction of power lines to bring hydro power from Quebec to New England.”

Asked what was un-green about hydro power from Canada, Ginsburg scowled and replied, “Power lines.  They bring bad vibes.”

Long-lost Stein supporters greeted their candidate and each other
Should her campaign catch on with enough like-minded voters, Dr. Stein could be in a position to replicate the feat of Ralph Nader in 2000, when his campaign pulled 22,000 votes away from Gore, who lost New Hampshire by 7,700.  Nader also won almost 100,000 votes in Florida, a state that Bush “won” by 537, in each case costing Gore the election.

Dr. Stein denied that she could serve as a spoiler in 2016, arguing that no one she knew was even considering voting for Donald Trump.  “And anyway, if Hillary Clinton is so smart, how come she went to Wellesley?  Am I right, people?” she asked.

Based on the results of her campaigning in Hanover, though, it appears that she has her work cut out for her as she seeks support from voters who don't remember Laugh-In.  One Dartmouth student carrying a 30-pack of Bud Lights back to his frat looked at the candidate and asked “Is that Ethan Kaplan's mom?  She was supposed to go home yesterday.  He'll be drinking early today,” the student said, shaking his man-bun and patting his beers.

No comments:

Post a Comment