Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Trump takes on new adversary

By David Bloviator
Political Editor

BOSTON, Mass. – Donald Trump, apparently made giddy by the spectacle of 25 rich white men willing to contribute to his campaign, today left his Teleprompter behind and made a fresh attack on what he called “bad, bad, bad guys” who ship American jobs abroad and then export the products of their foreign factories back to the U.S.A.

The candidate blasted businessmen who rely on cheap
foreign labor

“I guarantee you on day one of the Trump Administration, I will call these guys up and tell them they are going to bring all these jobs home or they'll be sorry, ” he vowed, noting that the Trump White House would be “full of waterboards.”

The motley assemblage of car dealers, hacks, and miscellaneous wingnuts had already been whipped into a frenzy by local insult comic Howie Carr, who got big laughs with his Indian war whoops, Amos 'n Andy impressions, and his classic Guido-and-Paddy-walk-into-a-bar bit.

Trump promised his audience that anyone who attempts to defy him will face a 45% tariff on all goods exported to the U.S.  “And they know I'll do it because I am really rich and also have a very high I.Q. and a hot Slovenian wife.”

Reaction to the speech was swift and furious.  One target of the speech, who manufactures cheap men's suits, ties, and shirts in low-wage countries like China, Bangladesh, and Mexico, reacted with a blistering tweet: Loser Donald Trump, behind in the polls, now attacks top businessmen who made America great.  Sad! Pathetic!   The Tweet came from the account of one Donald Trump, CEO of Trump Garments International.

Businessman Trump called the GOP standard-bearer
a “loser”
Moments later, the alert putative Republican nominee tweeted back:  Crooked tycoon Donald Trump losing $, facing bankruptcy daily.  Who listens to him?

That tweet apparently sent the supposed billionaire into a frenzy.  Ten minutes after its posting, Trump phoned in his response to Schlox News' midday gabfest Schlox Around the Clock.  He said, “Look, we know what's going on here.  The Republican nominee has no money, no organization, and no chance of beating Hillary Clinton.  And I read in the National Enquirer that he went to an ISIS training camp to discuss how best to undermine the war against ISIS.  I'm just saying, who would vote for that guy?  No one!”

In an unusual bit of journalism essayed at the hands of a soon to be terminated Schlox News anchor, he was pressed to respond to accusations that he exploits low-wage workers overseas instead of employing Americans.  The failed casino, steak, water, vodka, and education entrepreneur was indignant: “These kids who sew my shirts in Bangly Dash love the chance to make real money.  These kids are winners and worth every penny of the thirteen cents an hour I pay them.”

Trump claims children enjoy making his ties.
We reached out to the Trump Campaign for their perspective on the latest dust-up between the candidate and Donald Trump.  Penny Loafer, the campaign's strikingly attractive spokesmodel, said, “Thank you so much for calling me.  My daddy says I don't have to talk to you.  Have a super day!”

Possibly in response to our inquiries, Campaign Director Paul Manafort put out a statement by email stating that “The United States has no stronger ally in the War on Terrorism than [insert name of dictator client here], who is beloved by his people except for a few disgruntled terrorists.”

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