Wednesday, October 12, 2016

The songs of Donald

How did King David get girls
without a combover?
So what if a major party's Presidential nominee is caught on camera boasting that he sexually assaults women with impunity?  It's not like he erased his private e-mails or anything.  And it's no big deal anyway, according to noted Trump shill and Biblical scholar Sean Hannity, who pointed out that even King David kept 500 concubines.

Until then, we had never thought to compare the tangerine-faced groper to one of the heroes of the Tanakh, but by amazing coincidence today in our inbox we got a envelope postmarked “Trump Tower” and containing what the anonymous correspondent said were “the most unbelievable, fabulous psalms ever written.”  According to the letter, they were composed by none other than the man with lots of the best words, Donald J. Trump.

We chose a few to print and we're sure you'll agree that they live up to at least one of those adjectives.

Psalm 1040

I am my shepherd
I want for nothing because I have had tremendous success, believe me
I can lie down with whomever I want on green fairways 
I know where all the best waters are
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of bankruptcy
I fear no harm, for my accountants and lawyers are with me
My net operating loss carryforwards comfort me
I spread out my words in front of my enemies
I cover my head with lustrous orange hair-like material
My mouth runneth over
Only money and fame shall pursue me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell at Mar-a-Lago, the most fabulous golf club in the world, believe me, 
all my days

Psalm 10,000,000,000

I am king
Let the earth exult, let Putin rejoice!
Fiery insults are my vanguard
Burning my foes on every side
My words light up the world;
the earth in convulsed at the sight;
casinos in Atlantic City melt like wax at my presence
The rallies proclaim my righteousness
and all peoples except for fat slobs and sluts like 
Rosie O'Donnell see my glory.
All who worship Crooked Hillary are dismayed
All customs agents and cops bow down to me.
Rudy Giuliani, hearing it, rejoices
The towns of Alabama and West Virginia exult
because they know I have the best judgments, really terrific judgments, believe me
I am supreme over all the earth;
I am exalted over all other Republican beings including 
fat Chris Christie
O you who love me hate the Clintons!
I guard my tax returns, saving them from the hand of the 
wicked media who tell nothing but lies
Light is sown for Sean Hannity
radiance for those wearing T-shirts emblazoned “Trump that Bitch”
O you white people, I love them, I really do, rejoice in 
me and acclaim my name, my hotels, my golf courses, 
my steaks, my university, my ties, my suits, and 
my trophy wife, who is really hot, am I right?

Psalm 36C

Delightful country has fallen to my lot through great deals, tremendous deals;
lovely indeed is my real estate.
I bless my Russian lenders whom I have conned;
my conscience keeps its mouth shut.
I am ever mindful of the presence of other people's money; 
It is in my right hand and it will never be shaken out of it; 
It is mine
All mine
So my heart rejoices,
my whole being exults, 
and my incredible body rests secure and not at all obese
For my creditors shall never abandon me 
Or let me see foreclosure
In my presence I feel perfect joy;
the delights of hot women, the best, are ever in my right hand, because I can grab all the pussy I want
That's how it is when you're a star

[That's enough psalms – Ed.]

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