The songs of Donald

How did King David get girls
without a combover?

So what if a major party's Presidential nominee is caught on camera boasting that he sexually assaults women with impunity?  It's not like he erased his private e-mails or anything.  And it's no big deal anyway, according to noted Trump shill and Biblical scholar Sean Hannity, who pointed out that even King David kept 500 concubines.

Until then, we had never thought to compare the tangerine-faced groper to one of the heroes of the Tanakh, but by amazing coincidence today in our inbox we got a envelope postmarked “Trump Tower” and containing what the anonymous correspondent said were “the most unbelievable, fabulous psalms ever written.”  According to the letter, they were composed by none other than the man with lots of the best words, Donald J. Trump.

We chose a few to print and we're sure you'll agree that they live up to at least one of those adjectives.

Psalm 1040 I am my shepherd I want for nothing because I have had tremendous success, believe me I can lie down with whomever I want on green fairways  I know where all the best waters are Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of bankruptcy I fear no harm, for my accountants and lawyers are with me My net operating loss carryforwards comfort me I spread out my words in front of my enemies I cover my head with lustrous orange hair-like material My mouth runneth over Only money and fame shall pursue me all the days of my life And I shall dwell at Mar-a-Lago, the most fabulous golf club in the world, believe me,  all my days Psalm 10,000,000,000 I am king Let the earth exult, let Putin rejoice! Fiery insults are my vanguard Burning my foes on every side My words light up the world; the earth in convulsed at the sight; casinos in Atlantic City melt like wax at my presence The rallies proclaim my righteousness and all peoples except for fat slobs and sluts like  Rosie O'Donnell see my glory. All who worship Crooked Hillary are dismayed All customs agents and cops bow down to me. Rudy Giuliani, hearing it, rejoices The towns of Alabama and West Virginia exult because they know I have the best judgments, really terrific judgments, believe me I am supreme over all the earth; I am exalted over all other Republican beings including  fat Chris Christie O you who love me hate the Clintons! I guard my tax returns, saving them from the hand of the  wicked media who tell nothing but lies Light is sown for Sean Hannity radiance for those wearing T-shirts emblazoned “Trump that Bitch” O you white people, I love them, I really do, rejoice in  me and acclaim my name, my hotels, my golf courses,  my steaks, my university, my ties, my suits, and  my trophy wife, who is really hot, am I right? Psalm 36C Delightful country has fallen to my lot through great deals, tremendous deals; lovely indeed is my real estate. I bless my Russian lenders whom I have conned; my conscience keeps its mouth shut. I am ever mindful of the presence of other people's money;  It is in my right hand and it will never be shaken out of it;  It is mine All mine So my heart rejoices, my whole being exults,  and my incredible body rests secure and not at all obese For my creditors shall never abandon me  Or let me see foreclosure In my presence I feel perfect joy; the delights of hot women, the best, are ever in my right hand, because I can grab all the pussy I want That's how it is when you're a star

[That's enough psalms – Ed.]